From Hot To Not: The Fat Girl Diaries

Eating my Feelings, Ex Drama and Crushes

2011-07-26T23:02:00.002-04:00

Hello friends,

Well I think my title says it all lol but I will explain! So let's just say the 17 Day Diet was a fail. I just can't stick to something like that, I cannot give up carbs completely, not that I eat them a lot anyways I think I eat bread like once a month now (other than pizza which I eat like once a week, need to stop that for sure). Anyways, I think I just need to commit to losing weight and then just eat better and go to the gym. I mean I do not need to drastically change things it is just that I have a few very bad habits, and also I am the worst emotional eater EVER. I have to stop eating and snacking at night, especially since my snacks are always Fritos or chips. I also need to stop ordering pizza and chicken wings for dinner whenever my parents go out to dinner (I like to secretly eat, so I take advantage when they aren't home). I also get the worst cravings EVER it's a little voice in my head that does not quit and just tortures me until I get in my car and drive to the corner store for those chips, it is bad my friends. The summer just has not been the best for me, I have not done anything fun at all. I have been working like every day (which is good because I need to save money to move out by December 1st) but I have NO social life. I am the only single girl out of all my friends, so they are always with their boyfriends, and I would like a boy to hang out with, alas there isn't one and probably won't be one for awhile. ugh.

My ex drama is definitely annoying. It used to be that he was harassing me constantly about how awful a person I was for breaking up with him and how he will never be over me, he will never move on, he will never find anyone else, I would be an awful person if I dated anyone this summer because it would show that I never really loved him, blah blah blah. Well guess what??? I saw him with a girl!!! He met some girl online, went out with her once and is now in a Facebook official relationship with her. W..T...F?! It just really pisses me off that he has moved on SO fast. I know it has been 3 months but still, he was going on and on about how I would be the awful one if I dated anyone this summer and now he does it??? He has moved on already after going on and on about how he will never move on? UGH. Now I feel like he didn't really care about me as much as he says. And it just hurts that he has moved on and is in a relationship and then here I am all alone, no prospects at all and feeling like I will never have another boyfriend. UGH UGH UGH. He now keeps asking me if we can be friends, but I don't think we can. Why do I always fail at relationships??? I have had so many boyfriends and they obviously never work out I just can't handle it anymore I feel like I will never have that happy relationship that I want... Sad.

Now on to my next thing to be sad about, a crush. Yes people I have a crush on an old friend who I have recently started hanging out with and talking to again. He is everything I would want in a boyfriend. However he is very anti relationship right now and is playing the field this summer, hanging out with girls, hooking up with girls and just having fun. All girls love him so I do not stand a chance. I thought maybe when he is ready for a relationship he would choose me, but I am pretty sure I am giving up. He won't like me back the way I like him. So I will just have to get over it...

After Almost a Year I am BACK and I Need Your Help!

2011-07-13T19:25:00.002-04:00

Hello blogging world,

It has been SO long since I wrote my last entry, I hope you are all still out there and willing to read my blog and be my blogging friends again lol. I have missed reading your blogs and commenting and I really want to stick to it this time again like I used to. So many things have changed in the past 9 months. I finished teachers college and am now a certified teacher qualified to teach Kindergarten to grade 10 (I was originally qualified just K-6 but just finished an online course which qualifies me to teach 7-10 with a specialization in Family Studies). There are no permanent teaching jobs around here but I got hired by the school board so I am hoping to be supply teaching in the Fall. I love teaching and am so glad I decided to take the risk and go get my Education degree. I was skeptical before I left and was not sure teaching was for me or if I would be good at it. But I absolutely loved it and cannot wait to make it my full time career.

Kevin and I also broke up as soon as I got back at the end of April. Things really weren't working for a long time and while I was at school he was not supportive and really ruined a lot of my time there. I realized I did not want that type of partner for the rest of my life, and when I got home I broke up with him. It was hard but it needed to be done. I was surprised at myself that I actually did it, since I am always the one who gets broken up with. And considering how self conscious I am and nervous that I will never find anyone else, I realized that I truly would rather be alone than marry someone who I am not happy with who does not possess the traits that I need in a partner. He got really awful after our break up as well and threatened to have one of our cats put to sleep. It was truly awful. He text me on a Thursday and told me that our cat would be dead if I did not go get her and all of my stuff from the apartment by Saturday. So in a huge hurry I had to find a place for my cats to go since I could not bring them to my parents which is where I am staying and also had to see if my dad would help me move my bed and all other things from the apartment. Luckily my sister took Frank my boy cat and a friend of a friend took Estelle my girl cat. I miss them. But my goal is to move out of my parents house by December 1 because that is when my cat sitting will expire. Kevin was going on and on for these past 2 months about how if I started dating someone else this summer I would be an awful person and how he will never be over me and how he is so depressed and how he will never ever move on, so I felt bad. And even though I am not dating anyone I even told myself that if someone came along I would not date them out of respect for him. Then I find out he has been going on dates and meeting girls online. like WTF!?!?! I have been taking his abuse for so long and being called every name and told how awful I am and then he does this? UGH.

So this summer I have just been working full time at a Duty Free at the Niagara Falls border which is alright, the people there are cool and the jobs is relatively easy. I am just sick of working retail, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I applied to teach at the University I did my undergrad at, and I am praying I get it. It would be an amazing job and I really really really want it. I haven't heard anything yet but please cross your fingers for me!!! I have also started playing baseball again which has been really fun. Our team has not lost a game yet, we have tied a few but haven't lost which has been fun!

Now weight loss. Well...this is where I need all your help. I was having an awful time while at school and fell into a pretty bad eating disorder. Now that I am home I am still having a rough time, a lot of secret eating, and hiding chip bags in drawers in my room and being ashamed. I also had my first anxiety attack today. My mom asked me to take her to the mall so we went and this is where the attack took place. It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced. Because I am SO uncomfortable with how I look that being in a mall surrounded by people it was like my world was closing in
everyone was in summer clothes and I wasn't, and they all looked great in my eyes and I felt like I looked awful and I couldn't try things on because they wouldn't look good and people were in fashion and I wasn't and it was just bad.
I just felt SOOOOOOOOOOO awful!! Everyone was wearing shorts, which I will not wear even though it is over 90 degrees here because I hate my body so much. I am so uncomfortable. I couldn't breathe. I felt so fat, so ugly, so out of place. I used to love shopping now I couldn't get out of there fast enough. This isn't even about weight loss anymore but my mental health and emotional well being. I don't like leaving my house I feel so uncomfortable. I want to date and I want a relationship but I feel like no man will want me or try to date me because of how I look and I have no confidence to attract anyone. I feel like I will be alone forever. I feel like I will be fat forever. I need to make a change now. But I have said this so many times that I feel like who will even take me seriously???

I am stating something called the 17 day diet, on Saturday because I do not get groceries until Friday and it is a specific eating plan. But I can't stick to anything... I always fail. Can I do this? Will it really happen? I don't know. I look up to other bloggers SO much. Especially Mama Laughlin and Slimming Down for the Gown. They are amazing. I want their successes. But I feel like I can't. Any words of advice or wisdom or motivation would be greatly appreciated. My email is laurenwilson1985@gmail.com if you do not want to put it as a comment. Thanks for reading everyone. I really appreciate it...

I am Finally Back, and with a Serious Problem

2010-10-16T13:16:00.002-04:00

Hello blog friends (if I still have any)
I have been the worst blogger ever, and I am sorry for that! But I have decided to start blogging again since I miss all of you and I am also having quite a problem and always felt that I could safely tell my problems on this blog and know that no one would judge me. But first, where have I been you ask? Well I have been back at school!

Towards the end of the summer I stopped blogging because I was just so nervous and pre occupied with going away to school. I am now 5 hours away from my boyfriend, my cats, my family and my friends. It is hard since K and I have been living together for a year and a half so it was hard to come here and I miss him a lot. I also miss my family tons, and going home for Thanksgiving for only 2 days was not enough at all, needless to say I cannot wait until Christmas. I have made some amazing friends here though, and I can definitely say I will be friends with 3 of them after this for the rest of my life! Especially one friend Nick, he and I became instead best friends I have never had that happen to me, to meet someone and become instantly close but with him it was super easy, and it is nice to have a great guy friend again as a lot of mine from high school have really changed a lot in a negative way. I am living in residence again which is extremely hard since I have not lived in residence in 7 years. I have my own room which is nice (even though it is the smallest room I have ever seen lol) but the thing I hate is sharing a bathroom with 11 other people guys and girls and a kitchen which people keep disgusting so I never ever cook in there. It also sucks because at this teachers college every other month you are teaching in a school, and you could choose your home city to teach in (but mine was not an option) so I am stuck here with 3 other people on my floor who I am not close with and all the people I am close with left to go home for this month. So I am the outcast on this floor which does not help since I just stay in my room all the time. They are drinkers and party-ers and I am not, so it is hard but I just keep to myself and stay in my room. But it is hard to hear them laughing and having fun and I miss the people who I laugh with.

Teaching has been going well, a definite struggle but well! Normally a classroom will have between 0 and 2 kids with a learning or behavioural disability in it, my class has 10! So that has been a definite struggle. Also a couple of my kids who are in grade 5/6 split class are at a Kindergarten to grade 2 level so it is sad, as many of them come from horrible backgrounds and have experienced things I would wish upon no one, especially not a 9 or 10 year old. But I am loving them and I love my mentor teacher as well, she is great!

I am sure there is a lot more to catch you all up on, but the problem I have been having has been taking over and is all that is on my mind. I have developed an eating disorder. I cannot believe I just told you all that, but I have to for my own sanity. I used to think that eating disorders were only anorexia or bulimia but I have grown to find out that is not the case. There are many different types. And I can confidently say that I have a problem with food. I am obsessed, and it is a voice in my head that isn't even me, it does not sound like me, in my opinion it is evil. I wake up thinking about it, go to bed thinking about it, weigh myself constantly, hate what I see in the mirror, go all day without eating and then binge, and I have overwhelming thoughts of purging (throwing up), I have even gone in the bathroom and been so close but did not do it, and the sad thing is the reason I have not done it is not because I know it is wrong, but because I just hate throwing up. I always used to blame my food problems on being depressed or eating because I am bored, but I know that is not the case. Because I am not depressed here, I like school, I like teaching, I have friends here. I now know I have a real problem, and that scares me. I called to make a counselling appointment through my university because it is free. But the first appointment open is November 25th which I almost cried when I found this out, and I know that people know it is free so they go for no good reason. But there are people with real problems out there and we need help. I do not know how I will make it through a month. This problem is overwhelming, it is running my life. I have been looking for other free counselling places but the only place is the sexual assault centre which I am thinking of going to as well because of what happened to me in high school. Could these 2 things be related? I am not sure. But maybe it is time I find out.

Progress This Week

2010-07-25T11:55:00.003-04:00

Hello Friends
So I started my new regime this week! K and I had our first meeting on Thursday and I set my goals, 1 goal for each day and then 4 goals for the week therefore 11 goals for the whole week. I weighed in for the first time and weight in at 193. I am such a little kid that if I complete my goal K gives me a sticker and it gets me all excited!! Because I made a bright pink bristol board with all my goals by the days of the week so if I complete my goal for that day then K puts a sticker on the day, YAY.

So here are my goals for this week:
Thursday the 22: weigh in a set goals for the week COMPLETE
Friday the 23: Drink 3 of my stainless steel bottles of water (30 ounces each) COMPLETE
Saturday the 24: 5 servings of fruit/veggies COMPLETE
Sunday the 25: go for 5K walk COMPLETE
Monday the 26: Drink 4 of my stainless steel bottles of water (30 ounces each)
Tuesday the 27: do a wii workout
Wednesday the 28: try a new workout and eat 5 servings fruit/veggies

WEEKLY GOALS: 3 workouts, no chips (FAIL had them once), weigh between 190-191 on Thursday the 29th), and only have 1 serving of pizza (2 slices)

So I have completed my first 4 days YAY and 3 to go!!
I will definitely update with my weight loss on Thursday (hopefully a loss) and my goals for next week!
I did my 5K today and woo, it was hard for sure since I have no worked out or gone for a walk in forever so that is a long walk for sure. But I did it!!
Good day friends!

Midnight Chips

2010-07-24T00:11:00.002-04:00

Ok well this is something I would love to hide from the world. But tonight at 11:30 I got in my car, drove to the store and bought chips.
I proceeded to eat the chips.
For about a minute I was mad at myself and then I thought. Maybe I needed this... because you know why? They really did not taste all that great. I did not really enjoy them.
Is being overweight worth the taste of these chips?
Maybe a mini bag every once in awhile...
But not how I have been eating them.
One of my goals this week was no chips, so yes I have failed
But I also have 10 other goals for this week
So if I meet 10 and fail 1, should I beat myself up? HELL NO!
Wake up call?
I THINK SO

The Versatile Blogger Award

2010-07-22T14:43:00.003-04:00

Trisha over at http://butterbuttchronicles.blogspot.com/ has nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award. Thanks Trisha! So here are the rules of the award.

1. Thank the person who gave you the award. Thank you Trisha! I appreciate it ::)

2. Share seven things about yourself. 7 things about me. HMM OK I will put them at the end of this blog.

3. Nominate fifteen newly discovered blogs. 15 hmm, well I do not think I have 15 newly discovered but I will also name some of my faves that I wish other people would subscribe to.

4. Let your nominees know about the award. OH BOY thats a challenge in itself.

OK 7 things about myself

1) I was named after Lauren Bacall, shes an actress who my dad absolutely loved. She was married to Humphrey Bogart who was called Bogie. Now when I was 2 I went downstairs in my grandparents basement, walked up to my grandpa and said "you are skeedy and I am bogie". Now at 2 I clearly did not know I was named after Lauren Bacall and that her husbands name was Bogie. Creepy? I think so!

2) I love old people, they are so cute and when I see a really cute one I get a tear in my eye!

3) If I could adopt every cat from every humane society I would!

4) I am a reality TV fanatic, I watch the most horrible reality shows ever and am not ashamed to admit it.

5) I once shaved my head in grade 7. I took a picture of Matt Damon into the hairdresser and said "cut my hair like this", needless to say I regretted it!

6) I swallowed one of my retainers in my sleep once! Now my bottom teeth are crooked again.

7) When I was younger my mom used to give me so many carrots at dinner, so I would sneak them into my pockets take them to my room and put them in a suit case. My mom found them years later, they were black liquid.

OK 15 people

allison at http://lovingmycomplicatedlife.blogspot.com/
alison at http://myjourneythroughtheterribletwenties.blogspot.com/
sandra at http://rightoutloudwriting.blogspot.com/
Miss Chunky Chick at http://chunkychickgetstiny.blogspot.com/
Mrs S at http://sweetsassysoutherland.blogspot.com/
Slim Girl at http://slimminggirlsworld.blogspot.com/
Whitney at http://www.slimmingdownforthegown.com/
Keelie at http://wearelosingitblog.blogspot.com/
Sarah at http://projectfive-oh.blogspot.com/
Mama Laughlin at http://the-laughlins.blogspot.com/
Googie at http://lgokey02.blogspot.com/
Beth at http://mcclintockb.blogspot.com/
Lisa at http://inweighovermyhead.blogspot.com/
Erin at http://glamglitzgut.blogspot.com/
Buzzy and Breezeys mom at http://thefatchickweigh.blogspot.com/

I avidly read all these blogs and love them, hope you all will too!

How Bad Do You Really Want It?

2010-07-22T14:26:00.002-04:00

Hello friends
This is a question that K asked me last night at dinner. This was because I had to get my student card picture taken for school and when I looked at it my face just looked so round and my chin blends in with the fat and I have no definition in my face. This made me sad. I used to LOVE pictures of myself and would always be ready to smile for a photo. Now I avoid cameras like the plague and hate how I look in photos. I always feel like pictures do not reflect what I actually look like, but the sad thing is, of course they do!! They are reflections of reality, and reality slapped me square in my round face yesterday. SO what am I doing about it you ask? Well I have said over and over how I am going to lose weight and change yet I never do it. So K asked me last night, how bad do I really want it, how much effort am I willing to put in? And this really hit me. I mean I was glad he asked me these questions because it forced me to think about it. And I think I am ready to put in a steady effort, I know I cannot just wake up and be a completely changed person but I am going to actually put something from my head to paper which I have not done before. So here is the plan.

Since I cannot afford weight watchers anymore K has agreed to have weekly meetings at home with me. I will weigh in every Thursday in front of him and he will write down my weight and then we will chat about my weekly goals and what I am going to commit to for that week. And hopefully he will give me some stickers if I do good lol. I am such a child ha ha but stickers are fun and they make me happy. I am making a bristol board today for a 6 week plan (until I go to school). Each day will have little goals like eating fruits and veggies that day or drinking lots of water, or going for a walk. And if I accomplish each goal then a sticker just might appear for that day. I think this will really help and I am glad that K has agreed to be my meeting leader! I have been overweight for a couple years now yet I never really let it take over my life, but lately it has been. I have developed social anxiety over it and when friends from home want to see me, I make up excuses and do not go because I do not want them to see me. I am also extremely nervous about school because I will not want to go out with people because I do not have clothes that fit or that are in style and am ashamed and will judge myself beside the pretty skinny girls that I will be living with. This is sad. I never used to be like this. I was always the first person to want to go out and have fun and dress up and now I am this cowering person who wears fat jeans and a black t shirt everyday. This is not acceptable. The people that know me best know me as a fun, out going, talkative person and that is not who I am anymore, and I miss the old Lauren!!! I will bring her back, new and improved.

I will leave you all with a picture of how I look taken a couple weeks ago and am hoping to start doing progress pictures, they are so motivating when I see them on other peoples blogs. So this was taken at my grandparents birthday and this is definitely the biggest I have ever been. I miss my old face, my old body and my old spunk!!

Since today is the first day of the new plan here is my starting weight and some other measurements and I will update them every Thursday.
Starting weight: 193
Shirt size: extra large
Pant size: 16

I am the one with the white sweater!

My Rock Bottom?

2010-07-14T18:05:00.002-04:00

Well I am not sure where to start and I apologize in advance if this seems like a big jumbled mess, because basically I am just writing what is in my head without really caring about how it sounds. SO as you can see from my title, I feel like I have finally hit a rock bottom when it comes to weight loss. Sure I have had AHA moments and moments of clarity about WHY I do certain things, like emotional eating, or eating while bored, or even why I join Weight Watchers (which is usually just so I feel like I am actually doing something about my weight, yet never fully follow the program). So I always have these moments of realizing what I do wrong yet I never hit that rock bottom point where I am like "wow this is depressing, I really need to lose weight". I have days where I think I look fine so I just go on eating bad things or not working out, but today I had my actual rock bottom moment.

K was out all day so I thought hey I will go to the mall and do some shopping for Florida and get some shorts or capris and I desperately need a pair of nice dark jeans because right now I have one "fat" pair that are ugly but I have to wear them everyday because thats all that fits me. So I went to the mall, first store the biggest size did not fit, next store I took about 10 items into the fitting room and a guy put me in a room and was talking to me and such. So I went in and was trying on jeans, the largest size in the store I could not pull up barely past my knees. So the guy asked "do you want another size?" and I had to shout "no thanks the biggest size in the store does not fit" UGH. I left the mall empty handed.

As I was walking out of the mall I just thought THIS IS IT. THIS IS MY ROCK BOTTOM. I got to the point where I am too big for the clothes in all the stores I used to shop in and even some other ones that I have tried. All these store stop at size 14 or 16 and I no longer can wear any of them. I felt ostracized, embarrassed, ashamed and guilty and just wanted to cry. I see women who are bigger than me who look beautiful and have clothes that look great on them, where do they shop? Because I have not been able to dress this body successfully. Sometimes I wonder if maybe these women are just bigger women and have been all their lives. Everyone is born with a certain body type and frame. I am originally tall and very lanky and skinny, always have been. So underneath I have these small bones and skinny frame but with a lot of fat placed in certain places, it makes for a very difficult task of finding clothes. I know I am not meant to look like this. This weekend I went home for a big family party and the pictures upset me, and my cousin who is 12 fit into my old prom dress, which I wore at 19 years old. So when I was 19, I was the same size as a 12 year old. This was depressing that only 6 years ago I was that skinny. I mean do not get me wrong I do not want to go back to my very skinny days where I looked like I did not eat (which I did by the way) but I would love to be a size 10, something that I can find at stores and fit into.

This is turning into me rambling, but I am just so done with being overweight. I really am. I know people say "tomorrow is a new day" but honestly if its not, then I will live for years and years like this. It will never change, and I will only get bigger and more depressed over it. I do not want to go to school like this, with zero self confidence. I do not want to go and feel like I am the biggest one on my residence floor or not having clothes to go out in and have fun. I wear crappy jeans and a black t shirt every day because thats all I have that fits and that I am comfortable in.

I have had moments where I thought "I do not want to be like this anymore" but today I had a "I CANNOT BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE"
I just cannot, it is not doing anything but harm to my health, my self esteem, my confidence and my happiness.

UGH

2010-07-07T22:15:00.001-04:00

Well I am mad at myself. I am back up to the weight I started at, 193.
I hope that this feeling of utter shame and guilt really helps me to get on this shit for real.
Sorry for the sullen post, but I am just feeling so bad about it. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just do it?

The Scale is Not Moving...in the right direction

2010-07-02T21:23:00.002-04:00

Hello all,
I hope some of you are still following and reading my blog, again I apologize for being such a bad blogger and follower. But I am determined to keep up with the blog. I am getting discouraged. I have been trying weight watchers, trying working out 4 times a week, trying not eating as much, trying pretty much everything I can think of and the scale just does not move. So then after a few weeks of trying these things I think well obviously nothing is going to work so then I just revert back to eating horribly and not working out. Because the weeks that I work out and eat great I do not lose and the weeks that I eat bad and do not work out I stay the same, so sometimes I wonder what is the point then? If anyone has any words of advice I will gladly take them. UGH

On the Harry Potter front, I was a full blown addict. I read all 7 books in the matter of a couple months. I just finished book 7 (the last one) this afternoon, it was both sad and happy in the end. I really loved these books and wish I could just start reading them again. Hopefully in a couple of years I will have forgotten everything and can read them again, but I doubt it because I have such a good memory. But I hope when I am a teacher that I will have a Harry Potter unit and read the books with my class and test them on it and such!

Sorry not much to post today, just kind of feeling down about myself AGAIN. UGH. I hope everyone out there is having a great week.

I Have Been A BAD BLOGGER And FOLLOWER!! P.S I Am Not Dead

2010-06-23T21:47:00.003-04:00

Well friends, I do not even know where to start!!
I have been a very bad blogger and follower! I am very sorry to all my blog friends that I have been so neglectful and the thing is, I do not even have a good reason (other than full Harry Potter addiction) so I apologize if this blog is incredibly long and crazy all over the place!

Well where shall I begin? There was an earthquake here today!!! And you know what? I did not even feel it. I was in my weight watchers meeting and did not feel a thing yet when I got home everyones Facebook names were about the earthquake and it was all over the news. It was a 5.5 earthquake. K says it woke him up and that the bed was shaking and that the TV was moving and the cats tails were huge and they were freaking out. Isn't that crazy? I did not even feel it!!

Speaking of weight watchers, well...I have not been doing too great. I did not go last week to my meeting so I made sure to go this week even though I was feeling discouraged and beating myself up about eating poorly this past week. But I went anyways and I lost .4 not bad, but I want more! So I intend to track everything this week and my goal is a 1.4 pound loss at my next meeting on Wednesday the 30th! I am just mad at myself because I have been going for 8 weeks and only lost like 3.6 pounds. I want a 5 pound loss sticker darn it, and next week I will get it! I VOW TO IT! SO enough beating myself up about weight loss, I am tracking this week and sticking to program and I WILL get that sticker :) I joined Spark People which I am loving, it is a great way to track your calories and get good ideas so I am enjoying it. My goal I have set on it is to be 162 by Christmas Day which is 1 pound a week from now until then which I thought is realistic. My goal weight is 150-155 but I chose Christmas for my first goal because it will be the first time seeing my family and friends in 4 months since I will be far away at school so I want to look awesome and have them be proud of me! I am really nervous however about losing weight while at school, since that is where I gained it all to begin with HELP!

Speaking of school, there have been a couple of developments. I got into residence (yay) so I am excited about this but nervous. In first year I shared with 4 other girls and we had 2 bathrooms and a kitchen so it was fine, but now I am sharing bathrooms and a kitchen with a whole floor of people, I have never lived in a conventional residence before so I am nervous about this. I am also nervous about K and I living 4 hours apart. We have lived together since about a month into our relationship (crazy eh?) and have been apart for a total of about 10 days our whole relationship so I am really nervous and scared that we might not stay together, that would make me so so sad so I hope it does not happen. Never done the long distance thing before. In other school news we had to pick our schedules and I am scared school looks hard and I have been gone for over a year so I hope I do fine and I am also nervous about teaching, AHHH I AM JUST NERVOUS TO GO PERIOD! I have never been more than 2 hours away from my family and friends and K. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Ok enough yelling about school. One more thing about school...I still do not know what the heck is going on with my loan. I mean I am pretty sure I will get it but I got this letter saying I could not get it for a year and all this CRAP. So I called the office and apparently I got a warning because when I went back for my second degree I got a loan but I decided not to continue with school, however I paid back the entire loan right away. But anyways I hope I get it or else I cannot go to school which would NOT be good. So keep your fingers crossed for me and my loan!

So I am in full Harry Potter obsession mode!!!!!!!! (If you have not read the books and are in the middle of them do not read on as I am saying things about people who die) I am on the 6th book and have about 200 pages left! I was soooooooooooooo sad in the 5th book when Sirius died OMG I was not happy at all he was my favourite. I am sure other people die (DON'T TELL ME) but Sirius made me sad. I want Ron and Hermione to date they clearly love each other, and Harry loves Ginny aww so cute. All I have been doing is reading non stop it is an addiction. I want to know what happens yet I do not know what I will do when the books are done and there aren't anymore to read! I think I might cry! I cannot wait to go to the Harry Potter park in Disney WOOT.

In other news I have started working at another grocery store. It is a lot smaller and the people are nicer. I still do NOT want to work in the grocery bizz anymore but whatever it is for 8 weeks, I can do it. I feel bad only working there for 8 weeks but you gotta do what you gotta do to pay the rent right?

Well this post is getting LONG, I am sure there are things I have not discussed but I promise I will not wait another month to post! Hope you guys are still out there!!

PS DOES ANYONE WATCH THE REAL HOUSEWIVES??
DANIELLE ON NEW JERSEY IS CRAAAAAAAAAAAZY AND LIVES IN HER OWN WORLD
KELLY FROM NEW YORK DRIVES ME CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY
AND JILL FROM NEW YORK IS SO HIGH SCHOOL HOW OLD IS SHE?
I LOVE BETHENNEY
HA HA OK THAT IS ALL

Blog award!

2010-06-02T00:18:00.005-04:00

I almost forgot that Stefi over at http://stefis-wl-journey.blogspot.com gave me the Oh My Blog award (thanks girl)! So here are the rules of this award:
1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award ever!
2. Choose one of the following options of accepting the Oh My Blog! award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog where you’re basically talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, make up, etc) and post it.
3. Pass the award onto at least three, but preferably more, awesome bloggers and let them know.

So number 1 I am super excited about this award, I am glad that people actually like reading what I write, it makes me happy!! :)

And since I do not drink (not in the last year anyways), nor know how to make a vlog I shall share one of my embarrassing moments with you all, and I have many! This has to do with sex so if you want to stop reading here feel free but it is pretty funny/gross/embarrassing! And K already knows about it so I am free to write it since it is not about him. So I had been dating a guy for about 6 months and we tried sleeping together a few times (lets just say he had a few mechanical issues that were not working) anyways, we finally got to it, and I could feel liquid like dripping all over me, I was thinking ok I guess he just is really sweating it is hot in here. WELL...I went into the bathroom after and had blood all over me!!!!! He had a nosebleed and apparently did not notice. I think this may have been more embarrassing for him but come on, I walked out of his bedroom covered in blood and his roommate was in the living room watching TV. lol. awesome.

My 3 people I nominate this award to are:
Allison over at lovingmycomplicatedlife.blogspot.com/
Whitney over at http://www.slimmingdownforthegown.com
and
Kimmi over at http://fitfatandback.blogspot.com/

enjoy!!

Getting Real, More Harry and My Best Girls

2010-06-01T23:31:00.009-04:00

Hello all,
It has been awhile and yes I have been avoiding, you know me! When I feel like I am not doing that well I hide but I am here to be accountable. I accomplished my goal of working out 4 times this past week, a record for me people I am shocked I did this. However, my eating was not good. I am talking candy, doritos, fritos, ruffles chips and pizza hut. Yes NOT GOOD. I think the boredom and loneliness here has got the better of me, I still do not know one person in this city and I spend most nights alone as K works nights. So I am just looking forward to going to school just to meet some people and then move back home to be closer to friends and family. But I need to learn not to eat my feelings, as my friend Sandra said to me tonight "feeling are not meant to be eaten, I don't think they would taste very good" ha ha she is right, well they do taste good but only momentarily. Today I woke up and did not want to go to my weight watchers meeting as I knew it would be a gain. All that hard work at the gym for nothing. So I skipped my meeting. But as the day went on I thought I cannot just run away from the scale, so I went to the afternoon meeting instead and I lost .2 which is virtually nothing. I just feel like such a failure. I have gone for 6 weeks and only lost 4 pounds, when most people have lost 15 or so in that time. It is because of my eating. So this weeks goal : gym 4 times, track everything and count my points, no chips and no pizza. So lets hope I do it. I want a better loss. I was not getting real with myself and sitting in my ww meeting tonight I knew I was not giving it my all. Well I am going to, I vow to it.

Still loving Harry Potter, I am 100 pages into the 5th book. I have never read a series before and man is it addicting. LOVE IT. I hate Snape, Voldemort, the Malfoys and Percy Weasley and I LOVE Sirius, Ron, Hermione and Hagrid!!!! Such a good story, cannot wait to read more, but will be sad when I am done reading them :(

Not much else to report. I am so lonely here ugh. I miss my best girl friends. I know most people have a group of friends but mine are all spread out. All in different places and all met in different places, some high school, some work, some university so they know of each other but are not friends with each other. Ugh I miss them all soooo much. Two of them are in a different province so I never ever see them but talk to them all the time online, but it is not enough. I want them to move back. I miss the times we used to spend together. And the others live back in my hometown so I am looking forward to being with them more once I move home. This move was a bad experience but it taught me a lot, like who are the most important to me and also that home is where the heart is, and this is not home.

I want to end this post with some pics of me and my 4 best girl friends, I love them and miss them!!

This is Crista, my best friend all through university. We were roomies from day 1 in residence until our last year. I have had sooo many laughs with her and great times and I miss her a lot. She always puts me in my place and tells me like it is and I need that in my life. LOVE HER!

This is Adrienne, we have been friends since we were 3. We were best friends all through middle school and high school. We have had our differences but we are still very close and are always there for each other. We had soo many sleep overs and talks and boy troubles and just everything you can think of, we have dealt with it!! Love her and miss her too!

>
These are 2 of my great friends Meghan and Sandra. Meghan and I were born on the same day in the same hospital and that is where our moms met, so we have been friends since day 1. But the girl in the middle is like my sister from another mother lol. We talk every single day for hours at a time LOVE HER! Def wouldn't have got through many things in life without her.>
This is Alison, we have been friends for about 5 years, love her. We have struggled through boys, university, and just life together. Pop and chip parties forever. This is us New Years right before it turned 2009, a fun night!

PS Is it wrong to admit that I like the Justin Bieber song "Baby"? OK don't answer that lol

PPS CANT FORGET MY BESTIE FOR LIFE

70 Followers, Biggest Loser and Harry Potter

2010-05-27T12:07:00.002-04:00

Hello all
I know my title is a bit jumbled but hey these are the things I want to talk about along with a few other things so why not just throw it all in there!? I hope everyone is having a good week so far, mine has not been too bad I weighed in at Weight Watchers on Tuesday morning and was down .8 which I was happy about but I am ready for bigger numbers and I know I can get them. I have been going for a month and have only lost 3.8 so I want to rev up the weight loss. This week I want a 2 pound loss, I know this is a lot to ask for but I think I can do it. If I lose anything at all I will be out of the 190s yay, my at home scale says I have been out of the 190s for a couple weeks but at WW I am fully clothed so I weigh more so I am excited to be fully clothed and in the 180s woot.

This week i challenged myself to go to the gym 4 times in one week so between Tuesday the 25th and Tuesday the 1st of June (JUNE can you believe it??). So I am proud to say I have gone once so far and am going today with K so that will make 2, so who knows people I may even go FIVE times instead of four. That would be awesome. I really believe I can lose weight and go to the gym consistently which I never have before. I was having a hard time going to the gym here in this city because it was right downtown and soooo busy, and I am sure there are a couple of you who know what I mean by being scared or intimidated to go to such a busy gym. So there is another branch of the Y in the city but in a more rural area so I thought why not try it? I will never go back to the downtown one. I was 1 of about 5 people in the whole place. I am sure it is not always that dead but if I keep going during the day I bet it will be. YAY. I felt so comfortable there and was not scared or intimidated and all the machines I wanted were available and I even had my own lane at the pool so I did not have to worry about being in the same lane as a really fast swimmer. So I think I will continue to go to this gym and maybe even get the gym fever lol, here's hoping.

I cannot believe I have 70 followers!! I was so excited when I saw this I could not believe it, so just a shout out to my followers, you guys are awesome and I really appreciate everything you guys have said and all the advice and motivation you have given me!! SO THANKS :)

So onto the Biggest Loser finale, wow every finale just seems to get better I mean how do these people do it? They look fabulous. Melissa of the red team looked awesome and I was so scared she was going to win the 100 000 thank goodness she didn't. When she said "it is not about the money for us" I shouted YOU LIAR at the TV lol that is probably the only reason she did so well. She even pissed me off when she was on the scale. UGH to her. UGH. Anyways I was really happy with the final 3, I am not a Koli fan he just seemed to care too much about winning and did not seem happy at all the whole night. They all looked really great and I am happy for all of them. Ashley and Michael looked AMAZING! I am so happy for both of them and the thing I liked is that a lot of times the finalists just look too ripped and they look a little unnatural (Helen) and a lot of them gain some weight back so I thought Ashley and Michael just looked really healthy and great. Daris looked good too but I was kind of disappointed a bit by something with his story. He had never had a girlfriend or never been kissed before and now all of a sudden that he is skinny he has a girlfriend. That just saddens me, I mean I am sure that a lot of it is because now he has confidence and such but I am sure that he got rejected a lot purely due to the fact that he was overweight and now that he is not he has a girlfriend. I don't know that kind of hurt me a bit makes me sad for people who have great personalities and are great people but get overlooked. In the end I was happy for Michael and hope that him and Ashley get married ha ha wouldn't they make a great couple?

Onto student loans, I found out that my old university had dropped the ball and not documented that I had re-payed an overpayment back in 2009, so I made some calls and got that taken care of so now the OSAP website says "application being processed and OSAP is contacting outside parties to make sure everything on your application is valid check back in 2 or 3 days" lets all pray that it works out so I can go to school.

OK so now onto my addiction, HARRY POTTER!!!!!!! I tried for years to avoid reading these books, I just did not think I would be into them. My mom bought me the first one years and years ago when it came out, I read about 10 pages and decided I wasn't into it. Then I started a new venture trying to read the 100 best books of all time and on there of course were the 7 Potter books. So I thought fine I will get them over with. I started the first one about 2 months ago and have been hooked every since. They are just soooooooooooooo good! I just started the 4th one a couple days ago and just want to know everything NOW! I cannot wait to go to Disney this summer and see the Harry Potter park in Universal Studios YAY. So do any of my blog followers read Harry Potter? What was your favourite book out of the 7? Who are your favourite characters? BUT DO NOT GIVE ANYTHING AWAY I AM ONLY ON THE BEGINNING OF BOOK 4 SO NO SPOILERS PLEASE!!

Have a good Thursday all!

ABCs of me, and some money stress!

2010-05-24T22:53:00.002-04:00

The ABC's of Lauren
I saw this on a blog awhile ago and though it was a cute way to get to know some fellow bloggers. So if you want to copy and paste it with your own answers go for it:)

A) Are you a PC or a Mac? PC although I would like a MAC someday when I am not so poor, but I enjoy my pink laptop.

B) Best show currently on TV: LOVE 24 but it just ended tonight :( So I will go with Biggest Loser, love that show even though it makes me cry every time.

C) Chore you dislike: I hate cleaning the cat litter, thank goodness K does it every day what a good boy! I also hate vacuuming!! Good thing I do the things K does not like and he does the things I do not like.

D) Dogs or Cats? Well I have 2 cats, Frank and Estelle (named after Frank and Estelle Costanza from Seinfeld), but I am hoping to add a dog (George) to the mix, gotta complete the family!

E) Essential "Start the day" items: Hmm, I am not a coffee drinker so I will say either some peanut butter toast or Nesquick with skim milk MMM

F) Favorite Color: for clothes, black for accessories pink (I have a pink cell, ipod, camera and laptop!)

G) Gold or Silver: Silver

H) Height: 5'8

I) Instrument you play: Played clarinet and trumpet for many years

J) Job: 11 years in the grocery store cashier business lol, but going to teachers college in September to change that.

K) Kids? none yet, but I want one, if we had the money we would for sure

L) Living where? Ontario Canada

M) Mom's name: Susette, many people spell it with a Z and she gets mad lol

N) Nickname: Bogie to my whole family, BHBBB to my sister ( you do not want to know what it stands for) L-DUB to friends

O) Overnight hospital stay: stung by a bee and did not know I am deathly allergic, in the hospital for a week!

P: Pet Peeve: Gum chewing with mouth open, people not holding doors

Q) Quote from a movie: "I am a God"
"And now, you are a coat rack" - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"Are you crying? Are you crying? Roger Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pink shit, and thats when my parents drove all the way from Michigan to see me play the game and did I cry? NO, NO and you want to know why? Because there is no crying in baseball!! No crying in baseball" - A League of their own

"Baseball is hard, if it wasn't hard everyone would do it, it's the hard that makes it great" - A League of their own (FAVE movie of all time)

R) Righty or Lefty? righty

S) Siblings: older sister we were mortal enemies growing up but now we are BFFS

T) TV shows you watch: biggest loser, anything reality, 24, bulging brides, the hills, survivor (ok so these are all reality shows, you get the point)

U) Underwear: oh definitely just started not wearing them to bed lol too much information? my mom was so mad when she found out I wore them to bed I had to promise I wouldn't anymore haha

V) Veggies you like: green beans, corn, green peppers, broccoli, cucumbers, potatoes

W) Ways you flirt: haha I do not flirt with anyone

X) Expiration Dates - do you keep or toss? hmm depends what it is, if it still looks and tastes ok I will keep it for a couple days past the date

Y)Yummy foods you make: home made pasta sauce, meatloaf, cajun chicken, home made chicken fingers

Z) Zoo animal you like: I HATE ZOOS!!! they are mean! in my opinion

Well wasn't that fun? Now you all know a little bit more about me, nothing substantial though ha well maybe I will write some deep post about me someday but for now that will do!

So what is new with me? Well not too much. I did not eat well this week at all, stress seems to be such a bad trigger for me. As you all know I applied for teachers college and got in, which was probably the most exciting thing ever as it is so hard to get in here. So I applied for a student loan (it is called OSAP) here. It gave me my estimate which was perfect and I thought all was well. So then a couple days later I went online to see my status and saw this "You are currently restricted from getting OSAP, call the office to see what you can do about this"........this is when I had a complete panic or anxiety or stress or some sort of attack. If I do not get OSAP, I do not go to school bottom line. School is going to cost about 14000 and I only have about 6000 so no that is not going to get me there. I do not know why I would be restricted, there was a list of reasons and I do not feel like I fit any of them. I have no defaulted on my previous loans or anything so I am really hoping it is just that I was supposed to call them to tell them I am returning to school after being off for a year. Ofcourse this happens on a Friday night so I could not call right away and have to wait until Tuesday because it is a holiday here! UGH, so first thing in the morning I will call. I am so scared because if they tell me I truly cannot get it, I cannot go to school. I do not know what I will do then. I would have a complete breakdown! I WANT to teach, it is what I have wanted to do since I was a kid. I hope it all works out.

ANYWAYS other than that, nothing much new here. Seems to be one crap thing after the other this year, ever since K and I moved to this new city things have not gone well, but I am looking forward to going to school (hopefully) and then moving back to my hometown, I think it is where I belong. So it is just a bad period I guess! I have planned out everything I am going to eat this week which I have never done, so we will see if it works out, I stuck to todays so 1 down and 6 to go! I need to get more creative with my cooking and realize that just because K is not home does not mean I cannot make a nice dinner. I also plan on going to the gym 4 times this week, this is huge people. I have not gone well since ... I do not know I think maybe 2009? I usually do at home workouts but I want to go to the gym so 4 times will be huge, lets see if I can do it! I plan to do 30 mins cardio (15 treadmill, 15 elliptical) and then 30 mins in the pool! So I will keep you all updated if I actually pull this off, this would be the first time in my whole life to go 4 times in one week so it may not sound like much to you guys but it is huge to me! Tomorrow I weigh in at WW I am not expecting a loss. But next week, oh there will be one!!

Happy Tuesday tomorrow all and make sure to watch the Biggest Loser finale!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling Inadequate and needing gym help

2010-05-21T10:45:00.003-04:00

Hello all
I know it has been about a week since I have posted, I think I have been avoiding it. I still read everyone else's blogs and they are so good and so motivational and give good tips and have great ideas. I just feel like I am not even close to these people like I am not organized in my weight loss journey I do not think I could plan meals or exercise, I am too hard on myself I think, and do not really know why people would want to read my blog!! But I am going to keep going with it and I hope the people who do read it actually like it!

For my birthday I went to my hometown and went for thai with K and my 2 former university roomates and their boyfriends and a lady that I used to work with. It was a small dinner but very nice and tasty ofcourse. On my actual birthday I had lunch with my oldest friend (we have been friends since we were 3) we do not see each other much but when we do it is just like old times. So that was very nice and then my mom made a nice big Italian dinner (mmm) it was so good. I did really well with my eating over my birthday weekend however I did eat 3 pieces of pizza bread at dinner, I am telling you this stuff is AMAZING and I only eat it about once every 2 years so I had 3 pieces and it was delish. I got some very thoughtful presents as well. My mom is so happy that I am into cross stitching now as my sister is not very crafty and my mom lives for crafts. She gave me a lot of supplies that I needed and also a cross stitch that she made a long time ago with a cork board attached for little notes and such and she wrote a messege on the back about how happy she was to have another stitcher in the family, so that meant a lot to me. My mom also gave me a ring that my dad had given her over 25 years ago so that was very nice. I also got a pink i pod so I made sure I put my music on it so that I can have a good work out mix...

Bringing me to work outs, seriously I have no worked out in forever. I do not know why, I just cannot get the motivation to go to the gym, but I NEED TO. Any words of advice about the gym would be greatly appreciated. The thing is I just do not know what to do when I am there. My goals are to lose weight in my tummy and thighs. So I guess I should be doing cardio? But how much? What machines are best? Any work out classes recommended? Swimming? I am trying to work up the courage and motivation to go to the gym but I want to know what to do once I get there. So thanks in advance for any help! My eating has been just ok. I am still stuck at 189 and I know why. I need to eat more fruit and veggies but I have been doing better than I used to but I can definitely improve. Another thing I need help with is I am alone for dinner almost every night, as K works 4-12 or 7pm-3am so I am always alone for dinner, and I just cannot get the motivation to cook for 1 or always feel like I make too much. Anyone else out there have a spouse who works shift work and has to eat alone?

Biggest Loser this week was good, I am loving the final 4. I really hope Daris gets put through to the finals. I like Koli but I think he will gain all his weight back it does not seem like he is learning life lessons but just wanting to win and will have a hard time dealing with real life when he gets home. I could really relate to Daris eating at night and he felt so bad, I think we can all see a bit of us in him so I hope he makes it through, and I LOVE Michael and Ashley so I will be happy with whoever wins this year! Who are y'alls faves? Yes I am not from the south (I am a good ole Canadian) but I love the saying "y'all" just makes me happy and I do not know why!!

I think that is all for me today, just trying to make myself go for it you know? I know what is holding me back... ME! I want to just push myself out of the way and go for it but there is a voice in my head that says I can never be like those people on Biggest Loser or I can never be like the bloggers I read everyday who are succeeding. Such an evil voice...

PS My weight watchers loss this week was 1.6 not bad, but could do better!

25th Birthday and Friday Fives

2010-05-14T13:39:00.006-04:00

Hello all
Well I think I am out of the 190s for good, I hope so anyways. The past couple days I have been 189 and today I was 187.8 so that is pretty exciting, and I hope to stay out forever now!! I am sure when I weigh in at Weight Watchers I will be more because I am always more fully dressed when I weigh in there but I do feel a little bit lighter. 7 pounds does not sound like much but I can feel it a little bit.

Nothing much new with me really. I still HATE my job, but whatever I have 78 days left until I am done there and then I get to go to Disney and then move to school. I hope I get into residence for school or else I will have some last minute scrambling to do to find housing so I will find out in June if I got residence. Keep your fingers crossed.

I got my hair done yesterday and I am not a fan. I am always blonde but at Christmas I went brown so I was ready to be blonde again but it did not turn out as light as I wanted. It is brown with blonde streaks and I just do not like the streaky look, I wanted more of a lighter all over look. SO I will let it grow out for a month or so and then go home to my usual hair dresser and get it done the way I want. She also cut it weird, I hate going to new people and I will not go to her again. I just want nice long hair and she just cut it really boxy or something, I do not know I just do not like it.

Tonight is my birthday dinner. K and I are going to my hometown and having dinner at a thai restaurant. There will be about 15 people all together at dinner tonight so I think it will be fun. I usually go out to a bar for my birthday but I do not drink anymore and haven't in about a year so just dinner is good for me! Then tomorrow is my 25th birthday. I cannot believe I will be 25, I mean ofcourse it is not old but this birthday is definitely hitting me a bit. I just thought I would be in a completely different position in life at 25 but oh well. Maybe next year!!

So the Friday Fives over at http://mcclintockb.blogspot.com/ is your favourite photos. Now I do not have any old photos on my computer so I will be putting my favourite ones that I have on my computer, and maybe one day I will scan some older ones on and post about them! So here they are! There are more than 5 so forgive me lol

Love my cats, I found them snuggling like this in my closet!

We took so many silly photos in Mexico and I love this one, K looks scared of me lol

Good ole Mexico beach picture

LOVE

Me and one of my best friends being silly in Vancouver

First year university, love it and loved my roomates they became some of my best friends.

My 2 first year roomies and I we had lots of great times and are still great friends

My kitty Frank and Neko the husky, soooo cute.

I love this picture, Frank and his flower toy haha I think this is hilarious.

My very first cross stitch, so proud of this!

The 190s Are a Curse

2010-05-10T07:40:00.002-04:00

K I was at 187.8 then this morning 191? WHAT? I have not even eaten anything bad. UGGH am I destined to be in the 190s FOREVER?
off to the job I go (UGH)

Dear Scale: Are you a DIRTY LIAR?

2010-05-08T09:29:00.004-04:00

Hey peeps
So I still hate hate hate my job. So annoying, I have never ever hated something so much like I stand there and just want to cry. I smile at people and try and talk to them and they just walk on by, no smile back, no hello back NOTHING. I just stand there and watch co workers talk and laugh with each other and it sucks. I mean I am there for 2 and a half months should I care? Probably not I probably should not care at all, but for some reason I do. I think it is because I come from a store where everyone was very welcoming and nice and we all were friends and it was nice. This place is just so cold. I mean do I look for a job for 2 and a half months? Or do I just stick out the next 84 days (YES I COUNTED THEM). I know it is not a lot yet it sounds like an eternity. I just hate being miserable all day until I go to work and then miserable at work, ugh. I try and make the best of it but I just cannot. Can I make it 84 days????????

As for weight loss, I think my scale is a big lying jerk, but it is brand spankin new. It said last night that I weighed 188.8 (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?) I did not believe it even though the scale is not even 1 day old, how can this be? Is the cold turkey really working??? AHHH I do not know. So this morning it said 187.8, I cannot believe this. WOOT. I mean the 180s? That means since Monday I have lost 4 pounds I still somehow do not believe it. But I guess just cutting out everything bad really helped. Somehow I still do not believe it and I will step on the scale and it will say 193, because I have been in that rut for so long, I have not seen 188 since I was 23 probably and I am almost 25. AHH this is awesome, but I am skeptical is it really true??

Ugh I am off to work for a long day of hating life... :(

Good day all and happy mothers day tomorrow to all moms, wish I could see my mom!

NASHVILLE NEEDS HELP

2010-05-06T13:43:00.003-04:00

Hey guys
I do not live in Nashville, not even close but you know what? They have suffered horrible floods and NEED HELP. This has not been nearly as publicized as it needs to be and I am shocked at the lack of news coverage, so I beg you if you live near there do what you can to help. Or even just post on your blog the crisis that is going on there so that maybe someone might see it and help them out. If I lived closer or even had the money to fly there I would be there in a heartbeat but I cannot so I ask those of you who can to help them out! A fellow blogger is from there and has posted about the crisis, here is her link check it out!
http://mcclintockb.blogspot.com/

here is a video to show what exactly is happening there!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFjaQoOdJvI

Need a New Scale, Officially

2010-05-06T12:59:00.002-04:00

Good day all,

It has been awhile since I have blogged. I had to finish the cross stitch for K's mom which I gave her last night for her birthday. It took me 6 months and I worked so hard on it and it turned out great seeing as though it was only my second one ever. Her reaction was not quite what I expected but I am sure she liked it, I hope she did anyways!! So we went for dinner at a pub so clearly nothing healthy on the menu so I got one piece of fish and about 10 french fries, the portions were so skimpy but I was glad about it too because then I did not eat more!

I also went home to my home town for 3 days and it was great. I miss it sooo much there. It took me moving hours away to a big city to realize how much I miss it there and want to live there more than anything. Only 4 more months here, and then 8 months at school and then I plan to move back to my home town or at least the surrounding area. I just miss being there in the small town and having everyone know each other and being close to my family and such so I had a mini break down while I was there. Just sad and missing it there a lot, and I just hate my job here and ugh I do not know swimming in debt and just breaking down about all of the above. But anyways, I guess I will be back there in exactly 1 year, hope it goes fast. I just hope to have a great experience while at school, it is weird going back to living in residence and being a student I mean I have not lived in residence or started a new school since 2004 so this will be interesting. Just hope I do not miss my family and K too much as I will ONLY be home at Christmas and that is it :(

In relation to my weight loss I need a new scale. I decided to go cold turkey on chips and candy and such bad things because I know if I have them in my house I will not eat them in moderation so I decided cold turkey for now would be the best idea. On Monday before my weight watchers meeting I weighed myself and it said that I had gained 3 pounds since my last weigh in, I was so upset I did not want to weigh in, I was going to skip my meeting but I sucked it up and went. They told me I was 193 therefore I LOST .8 I mean it is not a huge loss but I will take it considering I thought I gained 3 pounds and I know what I can improve on for this week. So when I was at home I weighed myself and was 190.8 (awesome) then today my scale has given me about 10 different weights, I am going on my way home from work tonight to Wal Mart to buy a new one, I cannot handle this one anymore it discourages me too much by lying to me and I hate not knowing where I stand! So a new one it is!

So did I tell you guys how much I HATE MY JOB?? ugh, I do not even know where to start seriously, it is horrible. I have always worked at grocery stores this is my 11th year doing it, so first of all I am just ready to not be doing it anymore. But I really really hate this one, it is insanely busy. I mean I am used to working in a busy place but this is ridiculous I mean 10 people in my line at all times. And they make us bag the groceries and put them in their cart and basically do everything (for minimum wage) ofcourse. I am sweating my ass off at work which is gross and great treated HORRIBLY by the customers and also co workers. No one talks to each other I am used to talking to my customers and knowing them and now no one talks to me it is horrible. I hate being treated like crap for minimum wage, UGGGGH. I just hate it. I am debating applying to one of the other grocery stores here which is a lot easier and people talk to each other. I mean even the woman who trained me told me it is the "coldest" store she has ever been at and I am not down with that. I just do not know what to do, do I stick it out for 3 months? Or do I apply to the other store. Ugh I hate being miserable and hating having to go there all the time. What do you think I should do?

PS Biggest Loser makeover week, LOVE IT!

Question for anyone doing Weight Watchers

2010-04-30T20:08:00.002-04:00

Hello all
I have a question for anyone who does weight watchers. I am going to start my weigh ins on Tuesdays instead of Saturdays because of my work schedule. So this Tuesday I will be home visiting my parents, and was wondering can I go to a meeting there? Or do I have to go to the exact place I signed up at? It is in a different city but same province.
Thanks!

Friday Fives: Favourite Movies

2010-04-30T13:50:00.002-04:00

Well it is Friday Fives over at http://mcclintockb.blogspot.com/ (I do not know how to add a link so that you can click on it and go to her blog, can anyone help me how to do this?), ANYWAYS I could list about 100 of my favourite movies but I chose to stick to 5 or else this will be the longest post ever. So here they are, 5 out of many of my fave flicks along with a fave quote from each.

Sex and the City, what more can I say? LOVE IT! Cannot wait for the second one in May!!
"Charlotte Poughkeepsied in her pants" definitely the funniest scene in the movie!

The Sweetest Thing, my roomates and I watched this movie probably every day for a year while we lived in residence, soooo funny, I think I will watch it tonight actually.
"Let me put it to you this way. I had Lamb Curry last night and I'm shitting out a Buick!" HAHAHA

JAWS! I love scary movies and this is one of the original classics, LOVE IT!
"Smile you son of a bitch!" BEST line of the movie!

The Shawshank Redemption. I could watch this movie over and over, and still cry at the end. If you have not seen this movie, you MUST watch it. Every time I watch it I learn something and notice something new.
"There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit." This quote gives me goosebumps every time I hear it. PS I LOVE BROOKES AND CRY EVERY TIME. Brookes was here, so was Red.

Sister Act, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie just a feel good movie!
"Bless us, oh Lord, for these Thy gifts which we are about to recieve. And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of no food, I will fear no hunger. We want you to give us this day, our daily bread. And to the republic for which it stands, and by the power invested in me, I pronounce us ready to eat. Amen."

I could go on with so many more, but I will leave it at 5!
Have a good Friday and weekend!

Picked Myself Off the Floor

2010-04-30T12:44:00.002-04:00

Hey blog friends
Just first of all wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my rock bottom post, it really really meant a lot to me and helped more than you all know! So THANK YOU!!! I have been doing a lot better since then. The night after that happened K was working again at night so of course I wanted some sort of bad take out so instead I actually got dressed got in my car and went to the grocery store and bought some chicken breast white meat and ate that and felt much better about it. It was cheaper and better for me. I have been eating well throughout the day too taking lots of snacks to work so that I do not come home and pig out on bad food.

K and I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought lots of good stuff, I threw in one small bag of watermelon candies and thats it, so I think I will be doing better. I am really trying hard and know that I can go harder and I will. I am just kind of taking it easy after the other night as I kind of had an emotional breakdown and still feel a little fragile from it. But I will come out of it and next week I will go even harder and add some workouts into my good eating. I weigh in at Weight Watchers tomorrow and an hoping for a loss. Even one pound will make me happy!

I started my new job and have one more day of training tomorrow from 12-4 then I start working for real. I have done this for 11 years now so I am confident at the job but since I am starting at a different store then I have to train and start at the bottom of course. But I am there for 3 and a half months so I do not really care that much.

Anyways not much to report here just wanted to say thanks for the support and I will post my weigh in results tomorrow.

P.S Biggest Loser this week = me bawling my eyes out

Rock Bottom

2010-04-26T19:48:00.002-04:00

Just a warning, this post will be jumbled, negative and descriptive of things you may not want to know about. If you want to read a cheery blog I am sorry but it will not be mine :( Not this time anyways. I normally hide and do not post when I am feeling this bad and some fellow bloggers encouraged me to write when I am feeling such as I am now so I am taking this advice.

I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. I DO NOT HATE WHO I AM INSIDE BUT I HATE WHAT I AM DOING TO MYSELF, I HATE WHAT I AM PUTTING IN MY BODY, I HATE THE MIND GAMES I PLAY WITH MYSELF ON A DAILY BASIS.

I join weight watchers I buy good food, I make sure I have all the tools available to lose weight and you know what? I do nothing about it. I was going to completely avoid telling what I had for dinner and I planned on hiding it from K (so much shame involved) but I know he reads this blog and now he knows, but you know what I joined WW on saturday and here I am on Monday eating a whole small pizza and garlic bread. My body rebelled ( I will not go into detail on that one) but literally 5 minutes after I was finished I was in the bathroom... not good. I actually sat there in the bathroom and out loud said "what the f**k are you doing to yourself Lauren?", I think I have hit rock bottom. I have never felt such shame towards myself. It is so ridiculous because I am always saying that I have all the tools to lose weight yet I do not do anything about it and that I know what I need to do but I do not do it but you know what? The truth is, I do not know what I need to do because I have never done it. I have to try something new, something completely out of my comfort zone and something I just do not know what to do to be successful because I never give myself a chance to. Fear of trying new things has pushed me down so much in the past and it is doing it again. It is controlling me.

The "Guilty" Game

2010-04-26T15:31:00.002-04:00

I got this game over at losing-on-purpose.blogspot.com and it looked like a fun post for today since I wrote a lot yesterday. I am still battling with cravings. It is so much worse when K is working 4-12 because I am alone for dinner and just want bad things for dinner. I need to change this. Anyways here are the answers, message me if you need further details lol.

The rules of the game:
RULE 1- You can only say Guilty or Innocent.
RULE 2- You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!
RULE 3- Copy and paste this into your notes, delete my answers, type in your answers and tag to your friends to answer this.

The Questions:

1. Asked someone to marry you? INNOCENT
2. Ever kissed someone of the same sex? INNOCENT
3. Danced on a table in a bar? GUILTY
4. Ever told a lie? GUILTY
5. Had feelings for someone whose feelings you can’t have back? GUILTY
6. Kissed a picture? INNOCENT
7. Slept in until 5 PM? GUILTY
8. Fallen asleep at work/school? GUILTY
9. Held a snake? INNOCENT
10. Been suspended from school? INNOCENT
11. Worked at a fast food restaurant? INNOCENT
12. Stolen from a store? INNOCENT
13. Been fired from a job? INNOCENT
14. Done something you regret? GUILTY
15. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? GUILTY
16. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? GUILTY
17. Kissed in the rain? GUILTY
18. Sat on a roof top? GUILTY
19. Kissed someone you shouldn't? GUILTY
20. Sang in the shower? GUILTY
21. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? INNOCENT
22. Shaved your head? GUILTY
23. Had a boxing membership? INNOCENT
24. Made a boyfriend/Girlfriend cry? GUILTY
25. Been in a band? GUILTY
26. Shot a gun? INNOCENT
27. Donated Blood? INNOCENT
28. Eaten alligator meat? GUILTY
29. Eaten cheesecake? INNOCENT
30. Still love someone you shouldn’t? INNOCENT
31. Have/had a tattoo? GUILTY
32. Liked someone, but will never tell who? INNOCENT
33. Been too honest? GUILTY
34. Ruined a surprise? GUILTY
35. Ate in a restaurant and got so bloated that you couldn’t walk afterward? GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY
36. Erased someone in your friends list? GUILTY
37. Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)? GUILTY
38. Joined a pageant? INNOCENT
39. Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who really meant what they said? GUILTY
40. Had communication with your ex? GUILTY
41.Got totally drunk on the night before exam? GUILTY
42. Got so angry that you cried? GUILTY

Crazy Head Games, Thinking in the FAT State of Mind

2010-04-25T19:18:00.003-04:00

Well hello all
Hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was alright, I got to go to my hometown and visit my family which was nice and had a good dinner out with my parents so I was happy about that. I also have not posted since Biggest Loser and it was a tear jerker, I love O Neal and Sunshine! And does anyone watch Survivor?? SUCH a good episode last week, I love Parvati I do not care how many people hate her but she is awesome and extremely smart!

Yesterday I ran a ton of errands and spent a little bit of money. My credit line is for school however there were some things I wanted and needed and have been putting off buying them. I feel so guilty when I buy things for myself and use my credit line so I never do. But these were things that will help along my weight loss journey so I am trying to not feel bad about this but I am having a hard time with it. This is what I did yesterday and bought. I went to Weight Watchers and signed up for 3 months, I feel I need the meetings and was happy I went, and the leader seems great. So I went there and spent money on that and then bought some weight watchers smoothies and snacks as well. I then went to No Frills and bought some yogurt, bananas and strawberries and then went and bought some new running shoes. The shoes I have hurt me the last time I walked and I knew that if I did not buy new ones I would not continue to work out. You will also notice that my weight now says 193.8 this is because when I weigh in at weight watchers I am fully clothed so I am just going to go by that weight. I do not think i will be 184 by my birthday so I am going to make my new goal OUT of the 190s by my 25th birthday.

So I bought Nike Max Fierce shoes, they are super nice and I love them but ofcourse they cost money too!! I wanted the Reebok Easy Tone but apparently they are strictly for walking but I would love to get a pair for work so that my feet do not kill when I get home (I stand all day). Does anyone have these shoes?? Do you like them??

I then bought the Slim in 6 workout system so I hope that works for me!! Does anyone out there who is trying to lose weight take supplements? I do not really want to other than maybe a multi vitamin but I was wondering if anyone takes them and which kind they take? I then went and bought 2 new cross stitch kits. I am finishing up one for K's mom and its taken me forever so I am looking forward to finishing it and starting a new one. The next one will be for my sister as a housewarming gift and then I bought one to make for me because I make them and give them away and this time I want one for me since I put so much work into them! I will post a picture of it when it is done!! So that is what I spent money on and as much as I am trying not to feel guilty I DO!!

So here is where the crazy head games come in. I sign up for weight watchers, I buy healthy food, I have the resources to work out... but I DON'T! I let food control me! I secretly eat, when I know my boyfriend is working afternoons I wake up thinking, "what can I eat while he is gone?" is this not horrible? I know I am not the only one who does this. It is because there is so much guilt and shame that goes along with it that I want to do it alone and dispose of the evidence so no one else knows. Why do I let food control my thoughts? I do not know. I do not know why I have not decided that I AM WORTH IT, I am worth not eating badly and being lazy but I do not feel worth it yet. I do not know how to make food and these thoughts stop controlling me. But I am trying. And also does anyone else do this? If I am eating well throughout the day and then I eat one bad thing, like today I ate a chocolate bar and then when I was thinking about making a healthy dinner I thought "I already ruined the day by eating that chocolate, so why bother making a healthy dinner" such crazy head games I play with myself. I guess I am stuck thinking in the FAT state of mind.
SIGH

Weigh in #1

2010-04-23T16:29:00.002-04:00

Hello friends
Well as I have told you I recently started doing Weight Watchers at home but just on my own no meetings or weekly weigh ins but I have been using a spreadsheet to figure out points and such and have been keeping in contact with a fellow blogger as we try and lose weight. Today was my first official weigh in and here are the results:

Starting weight on Friday April 16: 194
Todays weight Friday April 23: 191.2
Difference: -2.8

I am pretty happy about this! I can taste the 180s, I was there before but I let life get in the way and I did not deal with my problems in a healthy way and just ate them away. I lost the weight this week by eating all my 26 points but with all healthy foods and having 3 servings of dairy, 8 of water and 6 of fruits/veggies everyday. I did not eat any of my activity points or my extra 35 for the week. But I vow to next week be in the 180's and never look back! Two things I plan on doing to enhance my weight loss are buy the Slim in 6 weight loss program and also sign up for weight watchers as in going to the meetings and maybe look into buying some new running shoes. I have wanted to do all 3 of these for awhile but I did not want to use my credit line to buy them. But I am starting to feel like they are all very good reasons to spend money. What do you guys think? I am still working hard to be 184 by May 15th which is my 25th birthday. This birthday is kind of hitting me hard, did anyone else find that 25 was a hard one?? If not what birthday was the hardest for you and why??

Day 1 of Getting my ASS (BIG ASS) in Gear

2010-04-19T16:16:00.002-04:00

Hello all
Well today I have been eating really well and I went for my first walk/jog. I was very out of breath as I know I am out of shape but I still went so I was proud of myself for that. I did not love the experience as it was hard and I am out of shape however I will continue because I know it will only get better!! Thanks to everyone who gave me some tips on running and walking, I went to Wal-Mart and bought a pedometer (a breast cancer pedometer) and I was going to buy running pants but I think what I will do is when I lose my first ten pounds I will buy myself some new pants:)
So here are my stats for the day off my new pink snazzy pedometer
Steps: 1900
Distance: 1.5 km
Calories: 107

So not bad but not amazing, but I am still proud of myself!! It will only get better from here I am sure. Tomorrow I am going to do a wii workout, as I am going to do the run/walk 3 times a week and a wii workout 2 times a week. Here is what I have eaten so far, I am doing Weigh Watchers so I will include points values too! My starting points for the day is 26,

bagel 5
peanut butter 2
apple juice 2

slim fast 5

yogurt 2
dried fruit bar 2

I got 2 points given to me for exercising so I have 10 left for the day! I will be eating fish for dinner mm, which is only 5 points and a few french fries for 3 points all made here at home so I know what is in them!

I hope to see a loss on the scale this week and I promise to blog when I am feeling down because that will probably stop me from buying many large bags of Doritos and eating them in minutes!

Meet The Enemy

2010-04-18T14:23:00.003-04:00

This my friends, is the enemy. I have been feeling so bad about myself lately that I have just been stuffing my face with Doritos and laying around. Isn't it silly that we get into these cycles that we feel bad about ourselves for being overweight so we eat more and just gain more weight? Something is twisted about that, and I need to find a way to change this. I want to start running but I never have. I am in such bad shape that I feel like I would run for 5 seconds and be out of breath. Does anyone have any running tips for me? I am a total newbie and I have no clue what to do. I just always feel like I cannot do something, I have had this mentality for so long with everything I do. I am surprised I am actually going to teachers college part of me thinks I will not be good at it, I just quit things or do not start them because I feel like I will fail. Ugh I do not know, but I want to try this time! I want to face my fear of failure. So tomorrow I run (well probably walk), but any running advice or tips would be great! Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Yes, I Have Been Hiding

2010-04-17T19:19:00.002-04:00

Hello friends,
No I am not dead, but I have been hiding from the world and from all my bloggie buddies. Why? Because I have been doing horribly in my weight loss journey. I feel ashamed and crappy about myself UGH. However I am doing something about it. My friend Allison over at lovingmycomplicatedlife.blogspot.com/ has really been a great help to me and is really encouraging me to get back on track. I have set a new goal of losing 10 pounds by my 25th birthday which is on May 15th. So I am hoping for 184 by then. I have been doing so poorly lately, too many life things getting in the way. K got his eye surgery and so I have been looking after him being what he calls "the drop nazi" because he needs about 50 drops a day and I put them in for him. So I really have not been concentrating on working out or eating well. But I WILL accomplish my goal, I WILL! But it is very exciting that now K can see, although he is walking around inside in the dark with his sunglasses on, I think he might be milking it for all it is worth, but is that not what men do?

I also somehow got a bladder infection (sorry for the TMI) but you girls know what I mean, these are horribly uncomfortable and it is hard to try exercising and such when you feel like you have to pee every 5 seconds even though you do not UGH, hate them.

I do not really have much to say even though I have been away for awhile just because I really have not been doing anything. I really do want to be 184 by my birthday and I will, thanks everyone for encouraging me and feel free to send any advice or encouragement my way :)

Decision Time, In Pictures!

2010-04-10T13:03:00.009-04:00

I have made my decision, I am officially going to Queens University in the fall. Here are some beautiful pictures of where I will be living (just the campus) it is so gorgeous there! In one picture you will see a jail, it is the Kingston Prison for Women which I can throw a rock at from where I will be living, creepy...and the mens prison the Kingston Penitentiary where the worst criminals in Canada live can also be seen from my future window! I hope none of them escape!

This is the residence I will hopefully be living in.

Prison for Women! At first I thought it was the mens prison and I saw no wall or anything and I was like "HELL NO AM I LIVING HERE! THEY COULD LOOK RIGHT AT ME OUT THEIR WINDOW!" But then I found out the mens one was down the street and it looked like Shawshank, no one is getting out of there lol.

Fallen Off the Wagon Face First

2010-04-10T12:50:00.004-04:00

Hello all
Sorry for my absence it has been a crazy week here for me. As you can see in my title I have pretty much face planted off the weight loss wagon, UGH. So many things have been happening so I will do my best not to write a huge novel of a post and just touch on what has been going on.

So first of all weight loss...well more like weight gain. Many contributers to my weight gain this week. First it was K's birthday last weekend so the place we went for lunch and dinner that day had literally not one healthy choice unless I just did not eat and that was not an option. So on his birthday and the day after which was Easter I did not eat well. So i gained about a pound or two not bad I thought I can get back on track but then we decided to do a last minute road trip to see the 2 schools that I got into because I had to make my choice by... TODAY! So we went to Kingston which is about a 4 hour drive and then Ottawa which is a 7 hour drive from here. We got up at 4am and drove all day and stopped to see the 2 schools. Needless to say road trip eating is never good, just stopping at truck stops and such and eating horribly. We have not eaten a home cooked meal in a week, so I am definitely making dinner tonight. Don't you just feel horrible after eating out so much? We ate out for probably 6 or 7 nights in a row so I just feel so gross. I am right back to where I started, sad :(

The stress of choosing a school was getting to me so badly, my parents wanted me to choose Ottawa because my uncle lives there but when we went I really did not like it there. I am a small town girl and even living in the city I live in now I find I have a hard time I could not imagine moving to a city of 900 000 people. I just did not like it, the city is pretty but its just too busy and crazy for me and the campus is right in the middle of it all. But I felt the guilt of having to choose there, I eat my feelings in case you did not know, so I was eating all the stress and guilt just sitting in my bedroom all day thinking and eating. Sometimes I wish my parents could just be proud of me and want me to go to the best school but ALL they care about is me saving money, I made my choice of schools for undergrad based on what my mom wanted me to do, and I seem to always make choices based on what other people want and not what I want. I need to change this. This probably contributed a lot to my weight gain. So I solemnly swear to get back on track and start losing again I really want to, I do not want to be like this, I feel horrible about myself, I feel fat and very ugly, not a good feeling :( I really want to join Curves or Weight Watchers but I have no money at all and when I start my job it will only pay for my rent so that will not be happening so I hope you fellow bloggies out there can help me! I participated in the Ugly Cupcake Challenge this week and it was to lose 5 pounds, needless to say I GAINED. But I hope to do better next week. Congrats to those who did lose though, thats awesome :)

Knowing that I am officially moving hours and hours away from my boyfriend and my cats is starting to hit me hard, I know when the date gets closer I am not going to want to go I am sad just thinking about it. He is my best friend we have been together almost every day since we started dating, and I am super close with my kitties, I think Frank my cat will go on a hunger strike. When I even leave just for one day he disappears and pouts and does not eat. Ugh I hope I make friends while I am gone because I will be for the first time hours away from everyone I know. It will be hard.

In Biggest Loser news, who is happy the red biatch got what she deserved? ME!!!!!!!!! Good riddance you game play biatch you deserve to go home!

Well this is getting long so I really truly hope to get back on track, if I go away to school at this weight I know for a fact I will come back even bigger so I need to work on this before I go and get some good habits and routine going. AHH I AM SCARED!

I Think My Scale is Broken...no seriously

2010-04-06T11:47:00.001-04:00

I do not know what is up. I know for a fact I have gained weight and am not trying to deny it, but I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 193, and then about 5 minutes later it said 196 and I did not even eat anything so I have no clue what is up. I think I might need a new one?
So I know I have gained but I have no clue how much!
I apologize to all the Ugly Cupcakes out there since I know for a fact I will not be losing anything this week and only gaining, so good luck with all of you competing in the challenge this week :)

MIA

2010-04-05T16:49:00.002-04:00

Hello friends
Yes I have been MIA (missing in action) for a few days, pretty much avoiding admitting that I have not done well the past few days. Needless to say I have almost gained back everything that I lost in the past couple weeks since I started this weight loss journey. I was so stressed last week about the job and school thing that I ate horribly and was not working out, and then this past weekend was K's birthday so where we went for lunch and dinner were horribly unhealthy and had no healthy options available. I know sometimes this is what happens, we have family things at restaurants that have no good options, and at first I felt okay with this, but now I am feeling bad about it after weighing in this morning and realizing I have gained almost everything back.

I am feeling bad about myself.

I joined the Ugly Cupcake society and our first challenge was to lose 5 pounds this week and I have gained. I will continue with the challenge however it is a definite that I will not lose 5 or even 2.

It is so hot in here, our landlords have not given us screens so I cannot even open the window. UGH

I have to decide between Queens University and the University of Ottawa by this Saturday. I do not know what to do. I want to go to Queens but it will cost about 5000 more, but I feel it would be worth it if that is where I want to be, but I just do not know what to do.

I hate feeling this way about myself.

April Fools!

2010-04-01T18:42:00.002-04:00

Happy April Fools everyone,
Did anyone play any jokes today? Normally I always do but I did not this year, I am losing my pranking touch I guess, well needless to say my mind has been elsewhere! SO....I GOT INTO TEACHERS COLLEGE IN ONTARIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is huge, I do not know how many of my followers are from Ontario but it is extremely hard to get in here, my sister who had a 88% university average did not get in as well as many other people I know who had to end up paying 25 000$ to go in the US. So I was shocked that I got in. I applied to 3 schools, and I got into 2 and then got on the wait list for the 3rd. Now here is where it becomes hard. The one that I got on the wait list is the city I am in right now, which means I will for sure be moving at least 5 hours from here. This is because I have to make a decision on where I will go by April 10th which is SO SOON. So if I were to only accept the wait list offer at the school in my city I would be taking a huge risk of not even getting in. So my choice is between Queens University which has been coined "Ontario's Harvard" just has some prestige to it I guess or the University of Ottawa which is our nations capital. So they are both great schools and I have a huge decision to make, and it is hard because I have been to neither city so I have to make a blind decision. The one thing is, is that I always regretted not going to Queens for my undergrad, it is so hard to get in there and I did yet I did not go for stupid reasons I went to the university in my hometown. So how often do we get to fulfill a regret? Not often. So I will keep everyone updated as to where I choose!

I was telling K I hope that me getting into school was not a crazy April Fools joke, I would cry! But when I found out I got in no one was here so I just started crying, nothing has gone my way in soooo long I was just wanting to give up on everything especially myself and my future. I called my parents and they were screaming and whistling and so happy for me so that made me feel good. I will have to take on more debt but it will be worth it in the end! The one thing is that K and I have not been apart at all since we started dating and now we will be 5 or 7 hours apart and will not see each other very often, probably only at holidays, and I am very close with my one cat too :( So it has not hit me that I will not see them everyday, but when it does I know I will be sad. But it will be a brand new experience in a new city with new people, so we will see :S

In other news, I GOT A JOB TODAY TOO!! I swear April Fools Day must be good luck for me! It is just a grocery store job but I do not care it is only for 4 months until I move and it will pay my bills!! So needless to say good things have been happening :)

In weight news, well I ate horrible yesterday and today (UGH) normally I would just say I screwed up and throw in the towel but tomorrow is a new day and I will lose what I gained back and keep on losing. I want to be in the 170s by my 25th birthday in May so I have a lot of work to do. The first Ugly Cupcake Society challenge starts tomorrow and I am so happy for that because it will keep me motivated. This weekend will be hard because it is K's birthday and we are going out for pizza and wings but it is something we have maybe once every few months so I will just accept it and move on. I have NOT been working out this week at all, I am losing motivation I hope all this good news helps me get back into it because I do not want to be this way anymore especially when starting on a new adventure in September I want to be my best self!!

Hope everyone has a great long weekend and a great Easter, and good luck to all you ugly cupcakes out there, let's really kick some butt this week :)

UGH

2010-03-31T14:44:00.002-04:00

So...
I seem to be able to beat cravings, but I still cannot deal with stress and anxiety without eating!! I am so stressed out today because I am awaiting a phone call about the possible job and also waiting to find out about school...and I ate 2 bowls of Fritos. I feel as though all my hard work is out the window, guilt is such a bad feeling. I need some coping mechanisms or something. Instead of going for more I thought I would write this post instead...
That is all...

Ugly Cupcake Society

2010-03-31T10:44:00.005-04:00

Well people I am posting to tell you all that I am a proud member of the Ugly Cupcake Society, what is this you ask? Well the awesome woman who is over at http://thefatchickweigh.blogspot.com/ posted a beautiful post about being an ugly cupcake so check that out for sure. It is based on that cupcakes are what society deems as perfect looking, perfect hair, body, tan, clothes (the superficial things in life) and the muffins are the ones who may not fit this mould, but are proud of it! I am proud that I am curvy and that my hair does not get brushed sometimes and that I am not fake looking! It is all about being a real person, I think personality trumps looks anyday and I will never spend hours on my appearance when I can just wear a smile and know that I am happy with who I am on the inside.

Who would not want to be a muffin? If YOU are a muffin check out the above link or click on my image on the left side of the blog with the cupcake to go to the challenge and society website. I hope that all my girls (and guy) out there trying to lose weight will become members, I nominate all of you!

Top of the muffin to ya!

The Anticipation Is KILLING ME!!!

2010-03-31T09:05:00.002-04:00

Good morning all,
So yes, the anticipation is killing me of where I will be in September. I have applied to teachers college in 3 different cities, one being the city I live in right now and the other two are about 9 and 7 hours away which would be a huge change. K and I have probably been apart a week total in the entire time we have been together, and since we both moved to this new city we really only have each other, so being apart for a year would be very hard, but ofcourse it would be worth it for me to have a career in the end of it. I also applied to college in this city in case I do not get into teachers college as it is extremely hard to get in to teachers college in Ontario so I needed a back up plan! I got into college so at least I know I will be going to school in the fall, but tonight I find out if I will be moving far away and going to teachers college, I want this day to go by as fast as possible yet ofcourse I woke up at 8:30am and now have to sit around all day and wait it out. So I plan on doing a lot of cross stitching, working out and reading just trying to make the day go by! K was supposed to work midnights tonight but now he only works until 6pm so at least he will be here when I find out if I got rejected or not. I guess I just want to know the most because I do not like not knowing where I will be in a few months, we are trying to plan for the future and currently cannot and there will be a lot to do if I am moving that far away!!

Yesterday K and I ran a million errands which actually was fun we always have fun even if we are just grocery shopping. I convinced him that we need a Costco membership (I LOVE COSTCO) and I think he discovered a love for it too! We went to dinner and then went to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D, I thought it was pretty good but I think the 3D glasses were giving K a headache, we were going to see another movie but decided to come home instead he was tired and had to get up early this morning. So I got to see the end of The Biggest Loser...I have one question...WHY IS THE RED BIATCH BACK????????????????????????????? What happened?? I cannot stand her, ofcourse she would be back UGH UGH UGH watch her win the whole show, I get nauseous just thinking about it. I love Stephanie, I think people got the wrong impression of her she never seemed like a game player to me! I think they were just threatened by her.

Today I am supposed to find out if I got the grocery store job, I really hope I did. If I did I do not think I will proceed with the Old Navy interviews because I do not think starting 2 jobs at the exact same time would work out with training and such, and Old Navy said they are not hiring seasonals I think I would feel guilty leading them on knowing I would quit in August. So there are some other part time jobs I think I will apply for. I really hope I get the grocery job though, I mean I do not want it as my career but I have done it for 11 years and I like it. So wish me luck!

As for weight loss, I have been doing well with my eating, I am stuck at 189 right now, I need to drink more water and eat more during the day. What I do eat is good but I need more and to eat more things that are less points (if anyone is doing Weight Watchers you will know what I am talking about). I cannot afford to do the meetings right now but I have all the books and the journal and points counter so I am doing it on my own. I am happy to be out of the 190s but I want to be into the mid 180s and then up and out of there! My 25th birthday is in 6 weeks and I so desperately want to be in the 170s by then, even if just 179! So lets hope I can do it!

I have recently taken up a project of trying to read the 100 best books of all time according to a Canadian poll. I have read so far To Kill a Mockingbird and The Da Vinci Code and am currently almost done Little Women, so I am choosing my next book soon. The Harry Potter books are on there, so maybe I will try to get into them next. I just do not think I will like them but everyone tells me I will. The Bible is on the list, which will take me a long time to read but I have always wanted to try reading it!

Well this is getting long, have a good Wednesday:)
PS I want Easter chocolate! My mom says we are too old for Easter baskets, but I requested one creme egg, I hope I get it!

I Did Not Binge!

2010-03-30T10:11:00.002-04:00

Hello Peeps (it is almost Easter, get it...Peeps? lol)
So I hope everyone had a good Sunday and Monday. After I wrote my blog asking people to stop me from eating chips I finally left the apartment. I was trying to talk myself out of it because I knew if I left the house my car would take me right to a convenience store for some chips. So I finally decided to brave the outdoors, if there are any other secret eaters out there you know how hard this is! So I went to Giant Tiger for some computer paper, then went for a tan, then to Subway for dinner. I went to one I had never been to before and it was in a sketchy area, it looked like a drug deal was going on out in front and it was shady, I was scared yet hungry so I went in anyways and it was fine, just happy my car was still there when I came out. Now here is where it became difficult, on either side of the Subway there was a convenience store!! I just stood in the parking lot and stared at them thinking how much I wanted to go in, and just get a little bag, but you know what? I resisted!!

I came home and started immediately cross stitching to take my mind off of wanting chips because I was still considering going to the store. So I stitched for hours upon hours, made a bag of 100 calorie Smart Pop, watched some America's Next Top Model and called it a day! Binge resistance complete, I think this is the first time in my whole life that when I was alone I did not just eat every bad thing I could find so one small step for fat people everywhere but one giant leap for me :)

So yesterday I had my interviews. They both went well, I have a second one at Old Navy on Thursday unfortunately it is for the position I did not really want but hey I need a job right? I am pretty sure I will get both jobs so I do not know if that will work, ofcourse I want to work full time hours but starting 2 at once might not work because there will be so many training hours and they will probably conflict with each other. So I will take the first one offered to me and then do my best about the second one of I get it! Today K and I are running about 8 errands so we will be gone all day, then we are going for dinner (somewhere healthy, no Pizza Hut lol) and then we are going to see 2 movies, it is cheap night. I have never seen 2 movies in one night, I think it will be fun. We are going to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D and Hot Tub Time Machine, it looks funny. I am excited. We got in a fight last night so I am glad we are still going, we usually work it out pretty quickly.

Tomorrow at midnight is when I find out about teachers college, I hope at least someone is around so I can celebrate/cry to them about getting in or not!! I am nervous!!!

Happy Tuesday do not forget to watch Biggest Loser tonight, even though I cannot but I will watch it on demand:)

Go Daris (LOVE HIM)

Help Needed

2010-03-28T10:59:00.003-04:00

Yo peeps
Today I was reading some blogs and came across a few questions that Mann Land 5 posted on their blog and a lot of people have chosen to answer them as well to show people a little more about them. These questions are from a mans point of view so I thought it would be fun to answer them here in my blog, and all you blogger followers can copy and paste the questions and answer them in your own blog, or you can find them at: http://www.mannland5.com. So here they are,

1 - Why did you start blogging?

2 - Who's the one blog friend that you would want to meet most in "real life"?
3 - Why are you always concerned with losing that "extra 10 pounds" when chances are your husband/boyfriend/friends tell you that you look just fine the way you are?
4 - What's the one thing you wish guys could understand about you?
5 - Tattoos. How many do you have and how many are visible when you wear your "everyday" clothes?
6 - What was the best year of your life and why?
7 - Name three things you would do if you were a man for one day.
8 - What's your alcoholic drink of choice that usually raises a few eyebrows?

The answers:

1) I started blogging because I have been struggling with my weight and other issues for so long and with living in a new city I do not have people to talk to I really needed an outlet. I am so glad I did because the support and comments I get from my fellow bloggers is more than I could have imagined or expected.

2) Hmm I would love to meet all of my blog friends in real life! I think Whitney over at fatgirlinaweddingdress.blogspot.com and Allison over at lovingmycomplicatedlife.blogspot.com would be cool to meet since we are around the same age and going through some of the same issues! But I think I would love to meet at 38 of my blog friends!! :)

3) Yes my boyfriend says he loves me the way I am. I do not want to lose weight for him I want to do it for ME, I want to be healthy, I do not want to be overweight anymore!

4)The one thing I wish guys could understand about me is...well the only guy I care about pretty much totally understands me! But I think I would want them to know that I am not the type of girl who gets possessive after a break up. So many of my exes have blocked me on facebook and stupid stuff like this, as if I would stalk them and want them back, I think they need to get over themselves! I think if you are friends before you date you can be friends after, apparently they do not know this about me! (boys and their egos, or maybe its just their crazy girlfriends make them block me lol)

5)Tattoos, I have 3. None of them are visible while wearing everyday clothes, but I want more, and they will all be visible, I would like the back of my neck, and my foot!

6)The best year of my life well I have 2 for different reasons. 2004 was my first year of university and I had the most fun of my entire life living in residence. But 2009 I met K and we have had a great relationship so far.

7)If I were a man for one day I would...eat so much bad food and not gain a pound since they seem to be able to do that, I would be able to shower and then have my hair be dry within 5 minutes of getting out (I would love that) and I would just ignore every possible thing that people say to me or what goes on around me!

8)I actually do not really drink very much anymore, but I used to love "broken down golf cart" shots!

Now here is where the help is needed, K is not home today and will not be back until tomorrow afternoon. I am here alone and I want chips, I want to go to the store buy a huge bag of chips and just eat the whole thing. I am going out later to tan and I know I will want to stop off at the convenience store for some chips... HELP ME!

Cheat Day

2010-03-27T16:56:00.003-04:00

Hello friends
Well yesterday was a good day!! I reached my first 5 pound loss, I did reach 189.8 which is under the 190's however I knew that it would go up a little bit after dinner and such so I am now still 190 which is fine with me as I just hope to make it solidly into the 180's for April 1st which is this week (I cannot believe it!). Also yesterday I got 2 job interviews YES 2! I got an interview for Old Navy and also for Loblaws which is a grocery store here. I have worked in a grocery store for 10 years so I hope that unless I completely screw up in the interview that I should hopefully get the job. The Old Navy job is a group interview and I think it is just an info session but the lady said that she would be setting up one on one interviews. Both my interviews are on Monday so I will keep everyone posted. I would rather get these then the one I have been waiting to hear about, the money would be about the same and with these jobs I could continue to work them throughout school whereas the other job ends in August. So I really hope I could do both since they are both part time but I just hope they are both accommodating to my schedule. Has anyone worked at either of these places before?

My sister came last night, it was awesome to see her and we had fun. We went to dinner and I ate really well, I had a quarter rotisserie chicken (white meat) and a side of pasta, I ate half the chicken and half the pasta, then had a garden salad and diet coke. So I was proud of this! I normally would eat the entire plate. However I did have some bread but I told myself that I was fine with this and I really enjoyed it and was only up about .4 after dinner which is not bad at all. Then after dinner we came back and watched The Blind Side it is a great movie, I highly recommend it for sure. Such a good story, if I had the money to do what these people did I totally would. It takes special people to take someone into their home. I love Sandra Bullock too and she was great in the movie, I think all of you should watch it :) My sister was all happy that my cat Frank snuggled with her all night, her cat never snuggles and she begs him to, so she was so happy that Frank slept with her all night, such a good snuggly kitty. Then today we went to the mall because she wanted to go to Lu Lu Lemon but we did not find much, she bought me a CD (new Beyonce) and wanted to buy me something at Lu Lu Lemon but I do not like people spending that kind of money on me so I told her I could not find anything I liked. She just left a couple hours ago and it was great to see her, and definitely nice to have a visitor!

Today I call cheat day, I have been doing awesome and am having one day to maybe eat a treat or something. I know that if I do not have this kind of day once a week or once every 2 weeks I WILL binge, I know this for a fact. So I am going to have pizza tonight, and I am going to LOVE IT. I know how bad it is for me and you know what? I am fine with it because I know tomorrow I am going to work my butt off and do the same all week. This week I pledge to drink lots of water and work out 4 times!

Happy Saturday :)

First 5 Pounds GONE!

2010-03-26T13:43:00.000-04:00

Hello friends,
Happy Friday! Unfortunately I am still not working nor have any friends here so Friday is really just any other day for me, but I know lots of you guys must love Fridays since it means the weekend!! Our life is kind of the opposite, K works all weekend and is usually off during the week, so I am alone on weekends with my kitties ofcourse. My sister is coming tonight though so I am definitely looking forward to that since she has never been to visit me yet in my new city. We have been here for 5 months and she has not been here or seen our apartment yet so I am looking forward to it, we will go to dinner and rent a movie I think. Tomorrow she wants to go to the mall to go to Lu Lu Lemon which is her favourite store, I clearly have no money so I will tag along and wish I did have some.

I have not heard from the job yet, I am so nervous seriously this is my only job opportunity so far. The only thing I am worried about is that it goes right until Labour Day and I am going away for a week in August. K said I would be stupid to turn it down because of that so I should take it and then tell them about it later and hope it works out. I mean if I cannot use them for a reference oh well, I am only there for a few months if I even get the job since it is just for the summer. I just want a job ahhh is this so much to ask? I just need a job for 5 months!! Then it is time for school. I find out April 1st if I got into teachers college, I hate not knowing where I will be in September I could be potentially moving 8 hours away so I just need to know! Good thing April 1st is coming up soon! I do not love this city I would love to move back to where I am from and where my friends and family are but I will either be here for another year and a half or be in a brand new city, so I will not be moving home for a long time :(

As for weight loss, I lost my first 5 pounds! Sounds like nothing but this is the most I have ever lost. I have always tried for a few days maybe lost a pound, then gain it back then lose it again. But this time I have really done it. One full week of tracking my food and counting my Weight Watchers points and working out and I have lost my first 5 pounds. I am exactly 190 pounds right now, so close to being in the 180's which I have not seen in a LONG TIME. I am glad that every day I am down in weight even if it is just .2 or so, I will take it. I am very proud of myself and cannot wait to keep it up. Next week I pledge to work out more and drink more water! Last night since I had been doing so well I decided to eat a half of a mini bag of chips, as soon as I was done eating them I felt horrible. I had terrible chest pains and my leg arms was so tingly and I could not feel my hand. I know that this was not because of the chips but I almost felt like it was a sign, that if I keep this up and I keep being 50 pounds overweight that a heart attack could be in my future and I do NOT want that. I pledge to lose more weight and be healthier and happier!

I finally watched The Biggest Loser for this week and it was amazing!! A definite tear jerker when they went home and everyone was so proud of them I cried for every single one of them and also when every one of them finished their bike marathon. So emotional!! Such a good episode, I still really do not like Melissa of the red team who we saw again in this episode. I like her husband Lance but when he is around her there is like a different side of him that comes out. Has anyone else noticed that? I like the people who are there to purely lose weight and be happy and healthy and who cheer on other people even when they have been beaten by them in competitions and weigh ins. I was so happy the black team triumphed because the blue team is cocky! Although my love for Daris is growing at a rapid pace, I LOVE HIM!!!

Anyways happy Friday everyone and I hope everyone has a great weekend!

So Close to The 180's!

2010-03-24T19:33:00.000-04:00

Hello friends,

Well the last few days I have been pretty busy which is nice compared to sitting around while K is at work with my kitties. Yesterday K and I went to visit his grandma and her boyfriend for the day. It was a nice visit and they are great people, they live in a seniors condominium and I love seniors I think they are so cute. I saw some of them line dancing, some playing cards and some playing shuffle board, I wanted to move in but apparently I did not make the age requirement ha ha. So as soon as we got there his grandma says "where do you guys want to go for lunch, fish and chips or Arbys?". I was thinking "oh no, nothing at either of those places is good for me", so since we only see them a few times a year I was not going to say that I could not eat at those places so we chose fish and chips since fish is a tad healthier. So I got 1 piece of haddock lightly breaded (although it definitely had some grease on it) and I only ate about 10 small french fries and a diet coke. So I felt bad about it yet not terrible, I did my best in the situation I was put in. So for dinner I had a chicken breast and half a bun and some water. So my dinner was a lot better and I did not feel so bad anymore.

We played some euchre and had a nice visit and it is K's birthday next week so they had birthday cake and I did not have any! So this morning I was down .2 I will take it!!

Today I finally had my job interview! I think it went pretty well, I will be finding out this week and then if I get the job it starts the 3rd week of April which means I would have to borrow money for rent one more time from my parents. But my dad told me the other day that right now we can call it even and that I do not owe him the 1000 h lent me which made me very happy! So if I only owe him 500, I can handle that. So lets hope I get this job. Then K and I went for breakfast and I only had eggs and toast instead of the usual (bacon, eggs, toast and potatoes), so cutting the bacon and home fries made me feel good. Then we ran some more errands and we had Subway for dinner, MMM, my new obsession. I never ate a sandwich until I was about 23 and I had the second one ever the other night (I know it is weird) but my mom just never made them for us! So needless to say I am obsessed with Subway now! MMMMMM

We are not leaving this apartment the landlord was not having it, so as soon as our lease is up we are out of here! Just hope my landlords give us screens in our windows because it is hot up here and we cannot open them since our cats will jump to their deaths! Does anyone watch Americas Next Top Model?? I just cannot get over how anyone over a size 2 or 4 is considered a "plus size model", wow what would I be???????? No wonder young girls have such skewed body images! I missed Biggest Loser last night so I cannot wait to watch it on demand soon! LOVE that show :) So I have lost 4.2 pounds this past week just by cutting out bad food and working out (YAY), although I did not get to work out yesterday or today but I will tomorrow and the next!! So I am so close to the 180s WOOT CANNOT WAIT!

Have a great Wednesday all!

3 Pounds Gone!!

2010-03-22T11:36:00.000-04:00

Well 3 pounds does not really sound like a lot but to me, it certainly is. Since I started actually trying to lose weight and committing only a few days ago I have officially lost 3 pounds. It feels really good, even though I am still in the 190s and clearly overweight I feel happy that I have lost 3 pounds :). My goal for the end of March is to be in the 180's! So I shall keep working hard to accomplish that mini goal, K also told me that when I reach 185 he will pay for me to go do some tanning or get my hair did lol, so come on 185!!

I have not eaten anything bad for me which is a triumph all on its own, no chips which is a huge success for me. I have started to eat crackers anytime I feel like I need something crunchy, so instead of eating a whole big bag of chips I will eat 10 crackers or so. Yesterday I was so mad I wanted to go for a nice long walk since the weather was nice and I did not feel like working out in the house. So I got dressed, got my iPod and sunglasses, put my shoes on and then realized that my keys were in K's car!! So I could not go, one of the downsides of living in an apartment is if you do not have your keys you cannot leave because then you cannot get back in the building UGH. So then I did not want to skip exercising so I did one of my Wii workouts. This time I did the Jenny McCarthy one called "Your Shape" does anyone else have this one? Well it is definitely not my favourite. It comes with a webcam that you have to use so you are staring at yourself the entire time, which I obviously did not like as I hate how I look in shorts and a tank top. However it definitely makes you want to keep working out so that you do not look like that anymore! So it is a double edged sword and I was sweating up a huge storm after!!

The other night K and I went grocery shopping and I made him walk up and down every isle, now this does not sound like a lot but it is a really big store. So we went up and down every one other than the chip isle because I cannot go down there without buying some! So every little bit helps, and since I went on all the errands the other day I got my promised Betty and Veronica comic lol, I have not ready it yet but I will soon.

In other news we are not moving out, the landlord was not having it AT ALL. (UGH)
My job interview has been moved to Wednesday, seriously I am getting nervous that she just does not want to meet with me so she keeps putting it off, I hope that is not the case.

Have a good Monday all!

My Oprah "AHA" Moment

2010-03-20T21:49:00.000-04:00

Well my friends I had my first Oprah "AHA" moment, for those of you who do not watch Oprah an "aha" moment is when something just hits you, I guess it is along the same lines as having an epiphany. Last night I could not sleep at all, I tried so hard but just could not sleep, apart from K snoring I was being kept up by something different, my brain! It just would not stop thinking, it was yelling at me and would not let me sleep no matter how hard I wanted to. Normally I can just shut off my mind and rationalize things by making many excuses. I am a master at this, I always came up with crazy rationalizations for dropping classes, spending money, not losing weight, eating a whole pizza. But this time I simply had no excuses I tried to tell my brain to shut up but it just would not let me sleep it would not allow it! So i laid there went into the spare room because K was snoring so loud and just laid there with Frank my cat and thought.

I thought that I really can give this weight loss thing a try, I was always skinny growing up and never ever had to worry about losing weight. I was one of those people who could eat fried chicken and Fritos everyday and not gain a pound. Now I hate people like that lol. My sister always told me that one day it would catch up to me and IT DID. So as the years have gone by I have just completely sat on my ass and not truly tried to lose it and now I have over 50 pounds to lose because I just kept eating my feelings and drowning my sorrows in pizza. So last night I committed to myself that I would truly 100% commit to losing this weight, I am going to try my hardest and do my best to do this. For the first time I am going to put everything I have into it, so today was Day 1 of the healthy lifestyle I promise to lead. So I guarantee some posts to come that I will be writing about chip withdrawal and not wanting to work out and wanting to binge on pizza. So my friends I plead with you when you see these posts yell at me!!

So after all these realizations I finally fell asleep for about an hour only to wake up to my cat puking on my bedroom carpet, what a way to start a new day!! So today i start tracking my food and working out, so here is what I did and ate.

Breakfast: 2 pieces of whole wheat toast with peanut butter, strawberry activia yogurt(mmm) and apple juice
Lunch: crackers, 2 bottles of water
Dinner: Subway sub, diet coke

I really did not eat a lot today but my small victory was that I did not eat anything bad for me, which believe me is a huge success for me. I also did 45 minutes of a sweaty workout on the Wii some Wii Fit and some Biggest Loser (which kicked my ass). Does anyone else get angry when their Wii Fit goes "OOOH you are overweight" I want to kick it, although I know it is telling me the truth. I have added a picture of my starting weight and BMI on the Wii fit, borderline obese, this will change my friends!

I have also added some pictures of my loves to brighten up my blog with the things I love the most:)

Happy weekend everyone!

Notice how my Mii is very ashamed of her BMI lol her eyes are shut, she does not want to look at it!

The quality is not good, but you get the point!

Job Interview The Saga Continues

2010-03-19T11:11:00.000-04:00

Well...I did not have my interview this morning AGAIN. This time definitely not my fault the lady emailed me and told me she had a family emergency and that she needed to re schedule for Monday. Then this morning she said she needed Tuesday lol. Well K says that it is probably a good sign that she wants to keep re scheduling because if she did not want to meet with me or did not think my resume was impressive then she probably would just cancel.

It has never been this hard for me to get a job! I need one so bad! AHH!

I hope this shows the lady how flexible and understanding I am, I feel like I am meant to have this job, lets hope Tuesday is the day!

Job Interview...Part 2

2010-03-18T14:37:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow is my interview it feels like forever even though it has only been one day since I screwed up the first one. So it is tomorrow at 10:30am, oh I am so nervous because this has been the one and only call I have received for a job interview since I moved here 5 months ago. So everyone keep your fingers crossed, I am sure a lot of people applied for the job but I am hoping that I get it.

I have lost 1.6 pounds in a week which I guess is good, but I want more, however the only way I will get more is if I get off my butt and start doing more. I have been so stressed out with my zero balance bank account and having to borrow money and thinking how I am going to pay all my bills that I just sit here and think and worry instead of getting up and taking this time to work on me. I am just constantly thinking about it all the time I feel like well if I get up and work out or do something then I am taking time away from looking for more jobs or doing something more about getting myself out of this debt. But I am starting to recognize this and maybe I should be taking this time for myself and to really get this going. I NEED TO. Motivation is hard to come by for me right now with how every other aspect of my life is going and I do not know anyone here so it really has to come from me which is hard.

In other news I still want out of this apartment, I think we are going to talk to the landlords soon we are nervous about that. There is a building we really want to move into and hope that we can get out of here and in there but we shall see! When K gets home we are going to discuss and figure everything out, and then go run some errands to WalMart and such, I love WalMart although I do not love going when I have zero money but K said that if I went with him on all his errands he would buy me a Betty and Veronica comic, ha ha yes I know I am 25 but I still love them!!

Hope everyone is having a great day and keep your fingers crossed :)

Healthy You Challenge

2010-03-17T21:55:00.000-04:00

Hello all,

So I have just joined the Healthy You Challenge and I was just wondering if some of you out there could give me some advice or tips about this challenge. I am really new to the blogging world so I am not sure how to do certain things. I was wondering if anyone could tell me how to add a second sidebar to my blog so that I could add my weight loss stats and also my badges that i gain through this challenge. Also if anyone out there has any tips for me on what I should post on here to achieve the best weight loss experience as I am new to this!

So thanks in advance I really appreciate it :)

I Am Cursed

2010-03-17T11:29:00.000-04:00

Why can nothing go the way I want? Seriously I feel like I am cursed, my family has never had good luck and we always joke about the "W Curse" as we like to call it, my mom says I should change my last name, and I certainly am thinking about it. Ever since I moved here nothing absolutely nothing has gone my way despite my efforts. So today I had my job interview...well I was supposed to. The lady told me that it was downtown on Dundas Street in the same building as the library, Ok I know where that is, so I went there and started looking, and looking and could not find it so 9:15 rolls around which is the time of my interview so I ask a lady where this office is. She tells me there is ANOTHER building with a library in it on the same road but that it is far away from the one I was in. UGH. I started to cry, the one and only job interview I have had and I am desperate for money and I missed it. So I came home and called the girl and thankfully I have an interview on Friday morning, but still now I have made a bad impression, and it is not guaranteed I even get the job which makes me nervous thinking that if I do not get this one, well I do not know what I will do. I have already borrowed money from my parents and will have to again which I do not want to, and they are not fond of it either. UGH I could cry again right now just thinking about it.

The Biggest Loser last night was really good, in case you have not watched it yet I will not say who got voted off, but I have not cried in awhile watching it but I did last night, I really like the grey team of Koli and Sam it was emotional that Koli finally got into the 200s and that he has now lost over 100 pounds. And might I add that Sam is ripped?? He has an amazing body for someone who is still overweight. (mm) I still love Daris too HEART!

Also I really want out of this building, but it does not look like that is going to happen. Don't really want to get much into that because I am pretty upset over it. But yeah just needed to vent about my unlucky life.

Fat...Exposed!

2010-03-16T20:57:00.000-04:00

Well today I went to a spa and had a whole spa treatment! My boyfriend (who we will from now on call K) bought me this package for my birthday last year and it is almost my birthday again so I needed to use it. So I got a massage and it hurt SO bad, I guess the place is more about massage therapy then a nice relaxing massage so it definitely hurt! Also it is not everyday that I lay there with no clothes on around a stranger so there they were, stretch marks, fat rolls and cellulite all out there for the massage therapist to see, so that was a tad awkward but it just gave me more motivation to get my ass in gear. I also had my first manicure and pedicure which were very nice unfortunately its still winter and will not be able to wear sandals to show it off but I will still know how pretty my feet look inside my shoes!

I am getting so excited for Disney and it is not even until August but it is definitely some great motivation to really get the weight loss going (I will definitely keep updating on that progress, and thanks to you guys I am getting a lot of ideas on how to do that!) So definitely keep your comments and advice coming I love them!

Job interview tomorrow, I am so nervous because I just need a job so badly and this one seems like a really good one for me, it is all I can think about...cross your fingers people!

Biggest Loser is on tonight CANNOT WAIT. I really like Daris of the original orange team and also Ashley and her mom of the pink team. Who do you guys like?

JOB INTERVIEW!

2010-03-16T01:19:00.000-04:00

Yes thats right I got my first job interview in the city I have been living in for 5 months now applying to about 100 jobs and not hearing from one. My best friend talks about willing things into your life...well i started willing this job I really want into my life and poof today the girl asked me for an interview on Wednesday YESSSSSS!! This is such an awesome day (even though I did not eat well) but I am visiting my parents for a couple days and celebrating my anniversary with my boyfriend so we went out for thai which was where we went on our first date how cute:)

So today was a great day and I cannot wait for my interview! As for weight loss I have been inspired by so many of you bloggers out there and your achievements it makes me really think that I can do it, and you know what? I will! Must have that bikini body and the self confidence to rock it!

As for the moving out of our apartment I REALLY WANT TO, my dad has a lawyer who is willing to help us if we need him but we are hoping to get out no problem seeing as the landlords might not want us telling people that they knew there was a drug ring in the apartment right beside theirs and they let it happen, so we are hoping to get out!! We went to see Shutter Island tonight, it was really good but a tad confusing has anyone else seen it??

Marijuana Grow Op NEXT DOOR!

2010-03-14T15:54:00.000-04:00

Yes you are reading this title right people on my floor have been running a marijuana grow op...awesome! Note my sarcasm, this is ridiculous! They live right across the hall from the landlords suspicious? I think not. My boyfriend and I have witnessed a lot of suspicious and odd behaviour over the past months we have been in this building but the last thing we thought was that there was some drug ring going on! So the other day I was going down to get the mail and a police officer got in the elevator with me and off on my floor looking around very suspicioulsy. So then later my boyfriend and I were leaving to go out to dinner and an RCMP officer got on and was going to another floor so we knew something was up. Later that night we could hear a lot of commotion going on in the hallway and it smelled so strongly of drugs both of us got a little sick. We did not want to go in the hallway in case something scary was going on so we stayed in the apartment and looked out the window. Below there were about 8 or 9 RCMP officers wearing bullet proof vests and guns loading up tons of piping and ventillation and drug paraphernillia into the bag of 3 huge trucks...scary.

I have not really felt safe here for awhile since there was an extremely violent fight in the hallway right outside my door where tons of glass was smashed and there were liquor bottles on the ground, we have been approached by people who were obviously waiting for drugs, there are tons of people going in and out of that apartment at all hours and many other fights. So now I do not know what to do, I do not really want to stay here even though the op was found does not mean the people were. There were signs saying that there was an annual inspection going on in the building so who knows if they were dumb enough to stick around I just think even if a few of them got caught like the ones on the lease, they could have made keys for their drug friends because there were always different people coming in and out, I just do not want to be in the wrong place at the wrong time...

Also it is a big unnerving knowing that they lived so close to the landlords it shows that they do not really care who comes in and out and I do not like that either, but we are in a year lease and it is only half up and we are not sure if breaking a lease for these reasons like personal safety reasons would be possible. Does anyone know anything about this type of thing? My dad has a lawyer that is willing to write a letter and such to the landlords but we are not sure what to do because we cannot afford to pay a penalty to leave UGH I really do not know what to do...

On lighter news my cat loves me too much. He needs an intervention. He always has to be attached to me at all times, although I secretly love it, it can be annoying at times such as right now. I am sitting on my bed writing this and have music blaring and I can still hear him snoring lol, he is like an 80 year old man! He is not even 2 years old yet and sometimes I think he is like 15, haha oh Frank!

Is anyone else out there absolutely addicted to horrible TV? Well I am! I will watch anything on MTV just horrible shows like Jersey Shore or the Real World well basically anything on MTV...terrible haha I have to watch them in private or the Real Housewives...so addicting and so terrible...yet delicious lol Just wondering if anyone else out there really loves this horrible TV as much as I do!

Wow the economy really IS that bad!

2010-03-14T15:25:00.000-04:00

So we have all heard people talking about how hard it is to get a job and how bad the economy is and I kept saying "Oh I can find a job I have a degree and lots of work experience" WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been unemployed for five months, the longest I have ever not been working since I turned 14 which was eleven years ago. So how did I get to this position? Well after graduation my boyfriend and I decided to go back to school me for a second degree and him for his masters well we hated it. Being at the same school for a 6th year just did not feel right and we decided to make a change. So he got a job about 2 hours away from my hometown and closer to his, so I thought why not try moving to a big city since I am from an extremely small town. I thought there would be tons of jobs considering how big the city is, well I was right that there are jobs but apparently did not think of how many people would be applying!! Going from a town of 1 thousand to a city of 400 000 well it is so much harder to get a job here than I ever imagined. I have applied to jobs in my field, malls, clothing stores, grocery stores, fast food, and restaurants and I have not even received ONE PHONE CALL for an interview sometimes I think my phone is broken but it is not!

So I am keeping my hopes up thinking this week will be the week that I get a job it has to happen eventually right? Well thats what I am going to keep telling myself! Unfortunately I have had to borrow some money from my parents which I HATE doing because I have always been independent and I receive lectures and have to listen to how much of a screw up I am but there is no where else to turn for help money wise right now. My boyfriend works so hard but he cannot pay for everything but he is great and buys all the food and such which is a great help. But I still need money for rent and bills and my debt payments from that awesome degree that got me...um...well it will get me somewhere someday! I have applied to teachers college and also college for this September so I just need something to get me through until then so I hope something comes up soon. I have been accepted into college into the social work program and am waiting to find out about teachers college, I find out in about 2 weeks (fingers crossed)! So unfortunately again I will have to borrow money from family for Aprils expenses which I am really dreading, my mom thinks that just because there is a mall beside my apartment that I should have a job by now as if I can just walk in and they will say "Oh of course you are hired!" right on the spot! Since we are from a small town I never had trouble getting a job before and she does not get that things are not the same way here as they are there. She thinks I am not trying hard enough because if I was I would have a job but I know that is not true so that is all that matters! It will happen! I am hoping to hear from a job at the YMCA for a summer office job which I am really looking forward to, I wrote a follow up email to the lady and she really liked that so lets hope I get a call!!

I also found out that I am going to Disney world...or land? Whichever one is in Florida WOOT! I have never been so I am super excited! My boyfriends parents called the other night and said "So do you guys want to go to Disney?" of course we do! We are so tight on money and have not been able to do anything so this call came at the perfect time we cannot wait! His parents are awesome and instead of taking a trip just the 2 of them they are taking the kids on vacation...so nice! So now I have to really get on that weight loss so I can rock a bikini in Florida :)

Cross your fingers I get a job soon!

Weight Loss!?

2010-03-14T14:31:00.000-04:00

Well since I have not posted in so long I thought I would write a few today and separate them or else I would have one giant blog so I apologize in advance for the 5 blogs that I will probably write today! So the weight loss battle continues, I have been reading Monica's blog over at Confessions of a Plus Size and she really inspires me to keep writing about this topic because I feel I can really relate to her so THANKS MONICA :) I admit I really fell off the wagon for awhile and am still 193 (ugh) but I really really want to not be this way anymore, I started working out again and have been doing my best to eat well although chips and pizza really are my worst enemy! Sometimes I am happy that I am so poor because I cannot order pizza as much as I want to but my boyfriend buys that groceries and I always throw in that damn bag of chips, he tries to be supportive but believe me he cannot win, if he says "I thought you were trying to lose weight" I think ok thanks dad for the advice but if he does not say anything then he is enabling lol oh poor men sometimes they really do have to deal with some annoying stuff from us women (don't tell him i admitted that though). I did wish I had more money though so that I could join weight watchers or Curves because I do feel like I need that motivation from an outside source, I wish that I could motivate myself but there is something blocking me. I do not know if I am scared of how much work it will take to really lose weight or that I just enjoy failing I really do not know. For this reason I have been seeking some counselling just to help me figure out what is going on in my head that continues to block me from really going for it. However there is a huge waiting list for the counselling because it is a place that has funding for people who cannot afford it which I definitely cannot as I am unemployed which is a whole other blog on its own!

So I will hope that an opening comes up soon so I can get inside my head with a little help. Sometimes I think that people expect me to fail so I just expect myself to fail! My parents are definitely in that group. My dad does not say much about anything he is that dad who is always joking around and just does not talk about serious stuff but my mother well she is a whole other story! She tries to encourage but she just does not, she has always compared me and my sister and puts my sister so high up on her pedestal and I am always just the failure of the family. I wish I was over exaggerating or lying but I am not I have been told that I am fat, that I am not doing anything with my life, that I should have lived my sisters life, that I am irresponsible with money (what money??) and so on. It is so upsetting and discouraging when your own mother does not believe in you sometimes it is hard to believe in yourself when the people who are supposed to really believe in you do not. This issue is something I have been really struggling with lately as I have been really put down by my family lately and have been made even more of the outcast then I already am. My sisters boyfriend has become the 4th member of the family and I am never included in family things, I have confronted my mother numerous times about this but have been told that it is not true so I am at a point where I think maybe I just need to not have much of a relationship with them anymore and just live my life and know that I will never treat my kids the way I have been treated, it will make me a better parent whenever that time comes for me. I could go on and on about things my mom has done or said to me but I am starting to just think life would be better for me if I stopped concentrating on that and just lived my own life without trying SO hard to be a part of the family and to gain acceptance and for them to be proud. I am not sure how she does not get that my sister is 6 years older than me of course she is going to have a career and such, when my sister was age she was in the same situation as me yet my mom thinks I should be just as successful as my sister even though I am so much younger, and hello my sister is 30 and lives still with my parents yet my mom says "Oh I never have to worry about M because she is such an amazing person but Lauren oh she is a full time job I am always worried about her" WHATEVER of course she does not have to worry about my sister she has ZERO expenses and lives at home I am the one who has been living in the real world for 6 years doing it on my own never asking for help UGH. Well talking about this is getting me fired up so I think I will stop.

As for weight loss I need to kick my own butt and really just do it, I do not know what I am so afraid of...does anyone else feel this way that they have some sort of mental block that keeps them from succeeding or trying anything hard?? I do not want to let fear rule my life yet when I am around other people I feel so small and intimidated which is why I do not go to the Y for workout classes or try new things. HELP!

It Has Been Awhile

2010-03-14T14:21:00.000-04:00

Well my friends it has been too long since I have posted, about 3 months to be exact. I do not know why i stopped blogging but I was going through some hard times and instead of using my blog as therapy I just started eating horrible food and wallowing in my own misery which of course never helps. So I thought I would start writing again and I would definitely appreciate any words of encouragement or advice from all or any of you :)
So I guess some updates are in order...where to begin. Well I had been dwelling on a lot of negative thoughts before the new year and was trying to deal with them yet I just kept stewing over certain things and could not let them go. One major thing was feeling as though I had no friends. Well this simply is not true I have some very good friends but they all live far away from me and even though we communicate through the phone or email it just is not the same since I am either with my boyfriend or completely alone which made me feel like I had no one. I love Facebook but I hate it all at the same time. It is good for helping to keep in touch with people but sometimes I get stuck looking at peoples pictures having so much fun with all their friends and seeing groups of girlfriends who have all stuck together over the years and it makes me sad because I feel I do not have that. Yet I know I am lucky to have a few really good friends and a great sister that I know would always be there for me when I really need them. Unfortunately the group of girls I belonged to all through my high school years turned out to be not the greatest people. I was always the one who did not talk about them and was a great friend to them and this past year one of them decided she did not like me anymore so of course now I am just completely cast out. Sometimes I have such a hard time believing we are 25 years old and still dealing with the same trivial things as when we were 12, some things never change I guess. So as my New Years resolution I decided that I would try not to care so much about those girls and accept the face that I do have some awesome friends who just happen to be spread across Canada and it is easy to focus on those girls who have ditched me because they are the only ones who stuck around and did not move far away so I guess it is always easy to focus on what is closest to you, it does hurt though as we were very close so I did not really make an effort to hang out with other people because I was always with them so now I really am on my own but I am hoping that one day I will meet some awesome new friends and not even think about those girls anymore. As much as my boyfriend sometimes gets on my nerves I sure am glad to have him because he truly is my best friend also, and I am so glad to have my best friend Sandra who even though she lives in Vancouver now we still talk oh about 6 times a day on MSN lol so I am glad she is in my life.
So it is time to really appreciate the people in my life and stop wishing I had that tight group of girlfriends from high school yes some people are lucky enough to have a group of loyal girlfriends but maybe I just haven`t found mine yet?

I am failing...NOT GOOD

2009-12-18T22:14:00.000-05:00

Well people I am not doing well with the weight loss and life changes. I am very discouraged as I have been looking for a job and applying every single day and have not received one phone call, UGH. Apparently a university degree and 10 years experience do not get you a job, it is driving me crazy which means I have been sitting around at home eating bad food. Such a horrible cycle. I also have not been going to the gym or going to the counselling that I said I was going to do. Lets just hope people are waiting to hire after the holidays and I can pull myself out of this bad rut I am in.
I am also a giant scaredy cat lol, my boyfriend has been working midnights which leaves me alone during the night and last night some guy knocked on my door a few times and was creeping me out. This lead to me not sleeping at all and staying up until 630 when my boyfriend came home, so now I feel like total crap!! I have always been this way, I get scared of things that should not scare me. When I was a kid I had horrible night terrors, the same dream haunted me every single night for years and turned me into someone who is afraid of the night. Not every night am I afraid just when things like that happen or I hear noises, but I have my kitties here to protect me (yeah right).
I have been keeping myself busy reading and cross stitching. I made my mom a cross stitch picture and am working on one for my boyfriends mom too, my mom will be so proud she is a very crafty lady and will be proud that I have made her something for Christmas. I have also started a new venture reading the top 100 books of all time. I am on the second one right now which is "The Da Vinci Code" which is awesome!! So i am almost done 2 out of 100 books, hopefully I can get this done before I die.
Right now I am trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life but it is hard since I do not find out if I got into teachers college until April 1st therefore my life is on hold. My plan right now is that if I get into teachers college then I will obviously go, but if not I am going to move to Vancouver, I have wanted to move there for years and 2 of my best friends are there so that would be nice and a good ole fun adventure. So hopefully April will come fast and I can make a plan because right now I feel like I am doing nothing with my life, my money is running out, no one is calling me for a job and I am feeling fat and depressed. So something better happen soon!!

Updates on Life

2009-12-06T14:45:00.000-05:00

Well my friends it has been a long time since I have written and there have been a few changes since my last post. I am still trying to lose weight and I have been eating much better than I have in years. Making sure I eat breakfast and more often throughout the day and also trying to drink more water and not so much junk food and take out. I have been eating 2 or 3 slices of pizza a week which is nothing compared to how I used to eat but every time I eat it I get the worst stomach ache its like my body is saying NOOO I DO NOT WANT THIS...so I don't think I will be eating weekly pizza anymore, which is definitely a good thing but I will miss it. It sounds weird but it has been a big part of my life. I went through a depression about a year and a half ago after my then boyfriend told me one day he wanted to marry me and the next day left me in the middle of the night and told me it was over. I then proceeded to order Pizza Hut every night for 2 months...that is 60 straight days of a medium pizza or large pizza to myself, needless to say I had a stack bigger than me of pizza boxes in my apartment. Pizza was my drug of choice, it kept me company, i could eat my feelings instead of dealing with them, so trying to cut out these foods and eat better is actually emotionally challenging.
I have been going to the gym lately which is great however I really do not like the gym. At first I was getting really frustrated and almost cancelled my gym membership because I would rather do something that I really like instead of being in the gym which I hate. I used to be an athlete and play baseball which I loved which kept me in good shape so I want something like that to do so that I actually enjoy it and do not make excuses and never go. So I decided I would go to the fitness classes and use the pool at the gym and i enjoy it much better so I hope to see more weight coming off soon!!
My kitty Estelle made it through her surgery and is doing fine! She ripped out her stitches and lost like 3 teeth all within days after, poor girl but she is okay and is currently asleep at my feet!
We decorated our apartment for Christmas which was a lot of fun we got a beautiful tree and ornaments and stockings which i made some for our kitties with their pictures in them, they are so cute. We put a cute stocking on our apartment door about a week ago, then tonight we went out to get dinner, came home and our stocking had been stolen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am very upset about this!!! Who would do that? So many people on our floor have decorations on their doors and we are the ones who get ours stolen... not cool...i am sad about this!
I applied to teachers college so now I have to wait 5 months to see if i get in, I really hope so because I need to start doing something with my life, I am still unemployed and looking for a job so hopefully something thats right for me comes along soon!
Anyways thats all that is new, I stepped on the scale a couple days ago and saw 189 which I was soo happy about because I have not been out of the 190s in a long time, so hopefully tomorrow morning it will still say that, but I think it might have gone up again... SIGH!

Discouraged...

2009-11-25T19:59:00.000-05:00

So my friends today was not the greatest day for me. I am not happy with myself today at all. I had a very bad night last night and I have let it effect me today. Last night my boyfriend and I got into such a big fight and I was so emotional and crying and upset which led me to not get up and go to the gym this morning, all I have eaten today is chips and some crescent rolls and I just feel horrible about it now. I love my boyfriend and he loves me and we have already worked things out which we always so, I am just upset with myself right now that I ate so badly today since I have been doing so well. This just shows that food really is a comfort for me, I was upset so I turned to bad food, the food I always turn to when I am heartbroken, sad, upset, frustrated, bored and depressed. Ugh. I just feel like I cannot do this. I am sitting here watching The Biggest Loser and seeing these peoples transformations I am just like wow I want that to be me but what am I doing? Sitting on the couch doing nothing about it. I can relate to what they are saying, about sitting on the couch being miserable, hating my appearance, not being happy with any part of my life which I am sure is a big factor of the fights I have been having with my boyfriend. It is sad because after I was assaulted I have dated cheaters and liars and jerks and been so attached to them but my boyfriend now is none of those things yet I am pushing him away. I mean of course he is not 100% innocent in our arguments that is for sure but I feel like my unhappiness is definitely contributing to them. I just have this mentality of "Why bother losing weight if everything else in my life sucks" but I have this mindset that is ridiculous and I bet if I lost the weight and committed to changing that I know everything else in my life will turn out so much better.
I am just sick of hiding from life, I am hiding here in my apartment not feeling worthy of even going out there and being with people. I see the workouts and challenges the people on the show are doing and I think " I cannot do that, I do not have Gillian or Bob screaming at me and telling me what to do therefore I cannot do it" excuses?? I just feel like I cannot do this...ugh...
In other news my kitty Estelle is getting fixed tomorrow but she has a serious heart problem which is very serious to have her put under for surgery. So I am very nervous about this and I will be devastated if something happens to her... so everyone just keep little Estelle in your thoughts :)
Kind of an un-motivational posting but I am feeling discouraged and upset and just like I am destined for this life...AM I?? Is this what is meant for me?

Why Am I Such A Procrastinator???

2009-11-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

All I can say my friends is UGH!! WHY AM I SUCH A PROCRASTINATOR?????? I am very mad at myself right now for numerous reasons. First of all I am mad at myself because teachers college applications are due December 1st which is yes 8 days away (can you believe it? Christmas is in a month!!). So of course last night I was laying in bed talking to my boyfriend about if I even want to go to teachers college. Now is this because I am afraid? Is this another thing I am shying away from due to fear? Or do I really just not want to go or maybe I am not ready or maybe I just want to do something else with my life. I have always wanted to help people I have always debated between counselling or teaching so I am now having a hard time figuring out what I want to do with this December 1st deadline looming over my head. So I almost just said I am not going to apply...I actually got to this point because I am scared and unsure.
However I have decided to go for it, although I may be too late. I am hoping my transcripts from the school I did my undergraduate degree at get to the teachers colleges I have applied to within the next 8 days or else ... well I have screwed myself once again due to my procrastination and fear. So needless to say I am extreme paranoid that my transcripts will not get there in time and that I will end up wasting 400 dollars in applying with no point :( So cross your fingers for me!! I just hate not knowing what I want to do with my life. I know I want to help people I would love to get into counselling but that requires me to go get my masters which I probably do not have the grades for even though I have an honours degree I do have some bad marks on my transcripts which unfortunately brought my average down to a low B which does not get you into Graduate school. So I do think I would love teaching its just will I get there? Will I get in? It is notoriously hard to get in to teachers college where I live so there is a big possibility that I will not even get in. Ugh. I hate not knowing for sure what i want to do. I used to think that by the time I was 25 I would know what I wanted to do with my life and I would actually be doing it. But I have no clue and I am just sitting on my couch wondering what the heck am I doing with my life? *SIGH*
Another thing I am disappointed with is that I did not go to the gym today nor did I exercise or eat lots of fruit or veggies. I had such good intentions as I went to the fridge tonight and saw no food. Now that I have started eating better my groceries are not lasting as long because I am not ordering take out or eating chips for breakfast lunch and dinner anymore. So tomorrow I definitely have to load up on groceries AND go to the gym!!
I am currently forcing myself to watch the series finale of Jon and Kate Plus 8 just to see what the end will bring for them. However the show is about Kate taking the kids to a dairy farm and Jon yelling at his kids and acting like a giant D-BAG so I guess nothing on this episode is different than any other. It is sad that families can fall apart like that and to see clips of them really happy together and now they are in such a bad place...makes me sad for them :( No matter how much of a jerk he is made out to be or diva she is made out to be I cannot help but feel sorry for them. But I feel sorry for everyone and just wish I could help everyone, I guess maybe I should keep helping myself first!!
Well peeps have a good night and I will post again tomorrow with a hopeful weight in the 180s I am only .4 pounds away from 189 YAY I am sure my eyebrows are eagerly awaiting the 189 pounds celebratory plucking!

Almost In the 180's!! YAY

2009-11-21T23:43:00.000-05:00

Alright friends (all 4 of you!) today was a pretty good day. I will start with the positives. I ate well today and reached my goal of drinking a lot of water. I had about 4 glasses of water today and a Diet Coke *mmm*, so I am pretty proud of that. This whole eating more often thing and drinking more water definitely helps to not be starving and therefore eat lots of bad food at once. This morning on the scale I was 191 which is 2 pounds lost since Thursday and today is Saturday so not too shabby at all considering I have only changed my eating habits and have not worked out. The negatives of today I would have to say are that I am still not eating enough and I did not have any fruit today I did however have vegetables so that is a good thing. Well I had a strawberry yogurt so there is some fruit just not quite enough.
Another thing I was proud of today was that I went out for dinner with my boyfriend which I was nervous about because dining out can always be hard when you are trying to lose weight. However I had a diet coke and water to drink, I ordered whole wheat pasta with Arrabiata sauce (the waitress brought white pasta by accident so I immediately decided to only eat about a third of the portion which was more than enough) and some white chicken breast in the pasta. I also had a large salad with oil and vinegar dressing mmm it was delish! So I was quite proud of the fact that I did not eat tons of bread at dinner, did not order anything deep fried, and did not eat my whole dinner! Aside from the annoyance of having to drive all the way across the city to one restaurant then seeing the wait time was too long then going to another restaurant with the same wait time to then proceeding to drive across the city again to another wait time...well it was a good night once we sat down to dinner anyways. There may have been a few lovers quarrels in the car ha ha you know how men are with making decisions!!
Why is it my friends that when we have allowed ourselves to gain weight we feel like we have let ourselves go? And we really do let ourselves go!!! I looked at myself today and thought "so when we gain weight that means we just automatically stop plucking our eyebrows or brushing ouR hair?" or is that just me?? (I hope not!) It is though I feel like I am not worthy enough to look pretty even though I have some extra weight on me. Am i not worthy?? I am not sure why I feel this way, its quite silly but I guess it goes with the lack of self confidence and self esteem. If the main thing I see when I look in the mirror is a chubby face, double chin, and lots of rolls then who the heck is going to notice by bushy eyebrows??
Well i vow to be in the 180's soon (have not seen those in a LONG TIME) and when I reach 189 I will pluck my eyebrows, I am sure my boyfriend will thank me for that!
I hope everyone has a great weekend and remember...If we pluck our eyebrows it makes us lighter!!

Why Am I On The Couch?

2009-11-20T17:44:00.000-05:00

So today has been alright so far. I reached my goals so far of not eating with the blinds closed because I have not eaten anything I am too ashamed of today. I also have been eating more and trying to eat every 2 hours even if I am not that hungry. I am learning that eating more often even if you kind of have to force it makes sure that you are not starving at any point in the day. When this happens to me and I am starving I will eat ANYTHING in sight which is usually something bad because it takes so much less time to make.
The things I am not so proud of today is that I am still just sitting on the couch all day. I recently moved to a new city so I do not know anyone yet other than my boyfriend who is at work all day from noon until 10pm and I have not gone out and gotten a job yet. Why? I DON'T KNOW!!! I do not think I am being lazy because I have been working since the age of 14 and always have but I think I have fallen into such a rut in my life that I don't even feel confident enough to go out and get a job! I only need a job that will last me until next September when I will either be attending teachers college or college so I just need a hold me over type of job which should be soooo easy to get. I have worked in a grocery store for almost 11 years so I clearly have a lot of experience and could probably walk into a grocery store around here and get a job but I sit here and think "what if they are not hiring?", "what if I don't get it?" just stupid stuff! I might as well just go and apply. What is holding me back people??? HELP ME!
So i need to get off the couch and get a job maybe that will help me with meeting new people and making some friends in this new city. I would love to have a couple girl friends to hang out with here and just have some fun!! However I went to the YMCA today and got a membership so I really hope I do not give in to my fears and just go and get er done! I am sick of my gut being big enough that I can place my bowl of chips on it without it falling off!! NOT GOOD MY FRIENDS NOT GOOD!
I am also going to find my local Weight Watchers and start attending meetings again. I have joined 3 separate times gone for a few weeks and then never followed through always making excuses for myself saying "Oh I can eat this" or "I can not go to the meeting this week because ___" just ridiculousness!!!! I am always trying to make excuses for myself and it is absolutely amazing the things I can justify to myself and make them seem rational even though they are completely irrational and ridiculous!
So today I was down 1.2 pounds which is good!! A pound I hopefully will not be re acquainted with in the future!! My eating today was OK could still have some improvement. I again had waffles and apple juice for breakfast but also had a fat free yogurt. Then for lunch I had 2 eggs with 3 strips of low salt bacon (which for me is quite the difference since I used to eat a whole package of bacon EW!). Now dinner is going to be the challenge as normally Friday night is pizza night. I will not allow myself to completely give up the foods I like because then I will just binge one day. So my dinner goal is: PORTION CONTROL!!! hopefully I can make this happen!!
Until tomorrow...
my friends...use a table not your gut to put your bowl on and make sure it is full of celery and not chips!! :)

So Why Am I Like This?

2009-11-19T17:35:00.000-05:00

So today went alright. I woke up not feeling too well today but I made sure I did not eat the way I normally would when I feel this way. Last night after I wrote my first blog I laid in bed and just thought a lot as to why I am the way I am, so this blog may be a bit dark and sad but its all things that need to be said out loud for me to continue on this journey. I think its really important to point out WHY we have turned out the way we have and WHY we do or in my case DONT do certain things in our lives.
There are numerous reasons and situations that have contributed to my eating getting completely out of control. I was sexually assaulted by one of my high school boyfriends when i was in the 11th grade. Therefore every bit of love for myself I had went with him and I lost a piece of me that I never got back. I confided in a few friends and no one believed me as this guy had a good reputation at my school and put on a very "all around nice guy, good student" front and ofcourse denied any accusations on my part. I decided not to press charges or tell anyone other than a few close friends because I was scared. I did not think anyone would believe me and I also did not want to ruin his life the way he ruined mine (which part of me has regretted all these years). Food at this point became the greatest friend I had ever met. It did not talk back to me, it did not say I was lying, it just gave me some minimal satisfaction and this is when I started sitting in my room and hiding my eating habits. My whole personality changed after this and this is when I had my first meeting with depression. It is sad when you are going through something like that and no one believes you, and people can be so cruel and high school became a total nightmare and place where I was made to feel like a total liar and many a rumour was spread about me after that, by him and his friends.
This was the starting event for me, since then I have dated many of the wrong guys and been treated poorly. I have been cheated on, abused, left in the middle of the night and so on...this is not meant to be a pity party just the truth. I feel like I dated these people because I just wanted the attention I felt like I had been so beaten down by the assault that I should take whatever male attention came my way. When in all these scenarios I let these guys walk all over me, I wanted them back, I forgave them...horrible I know and I want to be stronger than that and I regret it.
Lately I have been dwelling on these situations and I have a once close girl friend who decided she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I did not do anything to deserve this whatsoever. I mean we all make mistakes right? I made a small mistake and apologized for it however she still completely ignores any contact I make with her. And what do I do? I beat myself up over this so much day in and day out. It is taking over my life!!!!! I need to get out and live my life and I am hoping by taking control of my weight and life that hopefully I will start to care less about these people who have turned their backs on me and to love myself more and really love life. I admire people who always have smiles on their faces and seem to love life so much and I have people like this on my facebook and I have to admit I am jealous when I look at their pages and wonder "COULD THIS EVER BE ME?". I sit here and tell myself I have no friends just because one girl has turned her back on me or a few exes have crazy girlfriends who have had me blocked from facebook. I do have friends however my best friends are all scattered across the country and province which makes me feel like I am alone without friends but deep down I know this is not true. So my friends I am hoping that by taking control over my weight I will gain happiness and self confidence and can move on from these issues and stop eating them.
So an update for today.
I ate some waffles for breakfast with some apple juice and had some chicken (white meat) and a small portion of potatoes and a bun for dinner with a diet coke. I definitely could have done better but it definitely could have been worse. So it is a start. My problem is that I do not eat enough throughout the day so my body holds on to fat. Goals for tomorrow: eat more and eat better, and exercise!
No chips No chicken wings No pizza and definitely NO eating with the blinds closed for me tomorrow!

Welcome All To My Journey

2009-11-19T00:07:00.000-05:00

Hello all,
My name is Lauren and I am a 24 year old girl who is completely ready to change my life however I know this challenge is going to be long and very hard as I believe I have an addiction to food. Sometimes I wonder if other people feel this way, I wonder if I am the only one out there who feels truly addicted to food. I wonder if this is a crutch I use to justify the fact that I am overweight or if there is food addiction in actuality. Sometimes when I confide in people that I feel I have this addiction they look at me and say "oh yeah right" and proceed to laugh and poke fun at the statement I had just made. People think you have to be morbidly obese to have an addiction to food and just because I am not morbidly obese these people think I do not need help nor do I have a problem and this my friends has enabled me to continue to get bigger. Sometimes I feel absolutely crazy when I say out loud that I have an addiction to food and I believe that stopping these bad habits is like quitting smoking or drinking its hard and you sit there and constantly think about it until it makes you sick inside and you just have to go and get in your car and get to that convenience store or local pizza place to pick up your favourite junk. Mine is chips and pizza. Now I know that addictions come from somewhere and that we use our drug of choice (mine being food) to medicate feelings and emotions that we carry deep inside us and I myself am a definite example of this.
I use food whenever I am feeling lonely, sad, depressed, bored or restless. Food has this power of me that when i am sitting there eating a whole medium or large pizza to myself it feels good like I have company. Isn't it sad that I can say out loud that pizza keeps me company? Am I the only one who does this? But the hard part is after I have scoffed down that whole pizza I feel double as lonely and fat and bad about myself as I did before I ate it. It is such a short fix, a short lived high and it does not provide any sort of positive benefit in my life. When I was in high school I always enjoyed junk food but what teenager doesn't? However I was very active and a huge athlete back then and also was much happier until I hit a certain rough period which will be revealed in future blogs. Once this pivotal event happened in my life I held it in and felt so bad about myself and just started eating because that was the only thing I felt I could control. It's the same for people who are anorexic or bulimic it's just another type of eating disorder. When you are sitting in your room door closed, blinds closed eating chicken wings 5 nights a week and are hiding the garbage so your roomates don't see it...that is a problem my friends!
I started out university at 130 pounds and I now weigh 193 the most I have ever weighed in my entire life and I have never felt less pretty, sexy, self confident or happy. I have dealt with depression throughout my adult life however now I feel it has hit an all time high. I am not enjoying my life, I am not living my life and I vow to change that.
Why has it taken me so long? Why has it taken being overweight for so many years without me doing anything about it? Why have I not taken control of my own destiny? Why do I let myself get so brought down by other girls or friends that have turned their backs on me? Why do I make excuse after pathetic excuse as to why I have not done anything about this yet? I need to start loving myself again so that I will not be so effected by what others think of me and say about me to my face and behind my back. I need to take control of my life instead of watching it pass me by while I am sitting on the couch, blinds closed, eating horrible food wallowing in my own misery.
I have always been a huge fan of The Biggest Loser and of course I cry at every episode. I used to cry out of pure joy for these people who are dealing with so many emotions and obstacles and really going for it and taking control of their lives. But now I cry because I RELATE to them and I never thought this would happen. The latest episode when Rebecca (who looks fabulous) was voted off really got to me. The final 6 gave speeches to an audience about their struggle with weight loss and I found I could relate to so much of what they were saying. I was sitting on my couch bawling my eyes out saying "I'm that girl on the couch eating bad food watching Biggest Loser thinking I cant do it" but you know what? I CAN AND I WILL
I have turned into someone who is scared of everything. Scared to apply to new jobs, scared to confront people when they are rude to me or treat me badly, scared to really commit to lose weight, scared to take a fitness class infront of other people, scared to be intimate with my boyfriend because of my total lack of self confidence (even though he tells me I am beautiful every single day but it matters what I think even though I love him to death), scared of exploring the new city I just moved to, scared to do pretty much anything and it is holding me back in every regard of my life and my twenties are just floating by before my eyes.
This is my time and I am ready to take control. I know it wont be easy but I hope to really make my dreams come true and to love who I am on the inside and the outside. I will be scared, I will want to quit, I will want to go get me some All Dressed Chips and eat the whole bag, I will try to justify why I just bought those chips, I will be a huge brat due to withdrawal of said chips lol but I can do this and I hope whoever reads this feels a tiny bit inspired to do the same and maybe we can support each other in this hard challenge that is weight loss and the journey to self confidence!
i can do this