Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Eating my Feelings, Ex Drama and Crushes

Hello friends,

Well I think my title says it all lol but I will explain! So let's just say the 17 Day Diet was a fail. I just can't stick to something like that, I cannot give up carbs completely, not that I eat them a lot anyways I think I eat bread like once a month now (other than pizza which I eat like once a week, need to stop that for sure). Anyways, I think I just need to commit to losing weight and then just eat better and go to the gym. I mean I do not need to drastically change things it is just that I have a few very bad habits, and also I am the worst emotional eater EVER. I have to stop eating and snacking at night, especially since my snacks are always Fritos or chips. I also need to stop ordering pizza and chicken wings for dinner whenever my parents go out to dinner (I like to secretly eat, so I take advantage when they aren't home). I also get the worst cravings EVER it's a little voice in my head that does not quit and just tortures me until I get in my car and drive to the corner store for those chips, it is bad my friends. The summer just has not been the best for me, I have not done anything fun at all. I have been working like every day (which is good because I need to save money to move out by December 1st) but I have NO social life. I am the only single girl out of all my friends, so they are always with their boyfriends, and I would like a boy to hang out with, alas there isn't one and probably won't be one for awhile. ugh.

My ex drama is definitely annoying. It used to be that he was harassing me constantly about how awful a person I was for breaking up with him and how he will never be over me, he will never move on, he will never find anyone else, I would be an awful person if I dated anyone this summer because it would show that I never really loved him, blah blah blah. Well guess what??? I saw him with a girl!!! He met some girl online, went out with her once and is now in a Facebook official relationship with her. W..T...F?! It just really pisses me off that he has moved on SO fast. I know it has been 3 months but still, he was going on and on about how I would be the awful one if I dated anyone this summer and now he does it??? He has moved on already after going on and on about how he will never move on? UGH. Now I feel like he didn't really care about me as much as he says. And it just hurts that he has moved on and is in a relationship and then here I am all alone, no prospects at all and feeling like I will never have another boyfriend. UGH UGH UGH. He now keeps asking me if we can be friends, but I don't think we can. Why do I always fail at relationships??? I have had so many boyfriends and they obviously never work out I just can't handle it anymore I feel like I will never have that happy relationship that I want... Sad.

Now on to my next thing to be sad about, a crush. Yes people I have a crush on an old friend who I have recently started hanging out with and talking to again. He is everything I would want in a boyfriend. However he is very anti relationship right now and is playing the field this summer, hanging out with girls, hooking up with girls and just having fun. All girls love him so I do not stand a chance. I thought maybe when he is ready for a relationship he would choose me, but I am pretty sure I am giving up. He won't like me back the way I like him. So I will just have to get over it...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

After Almost a Year I am BACK and I Need Your Help!

Hello blogging world,

It has been SO long since I wrote my last entry, I hope you are all still out there and willing to read my blog and be my blogging friends again lol. I have missed reading your blogs and commenting and I really want to stick to it this time again like I used to. So many things have changed in the past 9 months. I finished teachers college and am now a certified teacher qualified to teach Kindergarten to grade 10 (I was originally qualified just K-6 but just finished an online course which qualifies me to teach 7-10 with a specialization in Family Studies). There are no permanent teaching jobs around here but I got hired by the school board so I am hoping to be supply teaching in the Fall. I love teaching and am so glad I decided to take the risk and go get my Education degree. I was skeptical before I left and was not sure teaching was for me or if I would be good at it. But I absolutely loved it and cannot wait to make it my full time career.

Kevin and I also broke up as soon as I got back at the end of April. Things really weren't working for a long time and while I was at school he was not supportive and really ruined a lot of my time there. I realized I did not want that type of partner for the rest of my life, and when I got home I broke up with him. It was hard but it needed to be done. I was surprised at myself that I actually did it, since I am always the one who gets broken up with. And considering how self conscious I am and nervous that I will never find anyone else, I realized that I truly would rather be alone than marry someone who I am not happy with who does not possess the traits that I need in a partner. He got really awful after our break up as well and threatened to have one of our cats put to sleep. It was truly awful. He text me on a Thursday and told me that our cat would be dead if I did not go get her and all of my stuff from the apartment by Saturday. So in a huge hurry I had to find a place for my cats to go since I could not bring them to my parents which is where I am staying and also had to see if my dad would help me move my bed and all other things from the apartment. Luckily my sister took Frank my boy cat and a friend of a friend took Estelle my girl cat. I miss them. But my goal is to move out of my parents house by December 1 because that is when my cat sitting will expire. Kevin was going on and on for these past 2 months about how if I started dating someone else this summer I would be an awful person and how he will never be over me and how he is so depressed and how he will never ever move on, so I felt bad. And even though I am not dating anyone I even told myself that if someone came along I would not date them out of respect for him. Then I find out he has been going on dates and meeting girls online. like WTF!?!?! I have been taking his abuse for so long and being called every name and told how awful I am and then he does this? UGH.

So this summer I have just been working full time at a Duty Free at the Niagara Falls border which is alright, the people there are cool and the jobs is relatively easy. I am just sick of working retail, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I applied to teach at the University I did my undergrad at, and I am praying I get it. It would be an amazing job and I really really really want it. I haven't heard anything yet but please cross your fingers for me!!! I have also started playing baseball again which has been really fun. Our team has not lost a game yet, we have tied a few but haven't lost which has been fun!

Now weight loss. Well...this is where I need all your help. I was having an awful time while at school and fell into a pretty bad eating disorder. Now that I am home I am still having a rough time, a lot of secret eating, and hiding chip bags in drawers in my room and being ashamed. I also had my first anxiety attack today. My mom asked me to take her to the mall so we went and this is where the attack took place. It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced. Because I am SO uncomfortable with how I look that being in a mall surrounded by people it was like my world was closing in
everyone was in summer clothes and I wasn't, and they all looked great in my eyes and I felt like I looked awful and I couldn't try things on because they wouldn't look good and people were in fashion and I wasn't and it was just bad.
I just felt SOOOOOOOOOOO awful!! Everyone was wearing shorts, which I will not wear even though it is over 90 degrees here because I hate my body so much. I am so uncomfortable. I couldn't breathe. I felt so fat, so ugly, so out of place. I used to love shopping now I couldn't get out of there fast enough. This isn't even about weight loss anymore but my mental health and emotional well being. I don't like leaving my house I feel so uncomfortable. I want to date and I want a relationship but I feel like no man will want me or try to date me because of how I look and I have no confidence to attract anyone. I feel like I will be alone forever. I feel like I will be fat forever. I need to make a change now. But I have said this so many times that I feel like who will even take me seriously???

I am stating something called the 17 day diet, on Saturday because I do not get groceries until Friday and it is a specific eating plan. But I can't stick to anything... I always fail. Can I do this? Will it really happen? I don't know. I look up to other bloggers SO much. Especially Mama Laughlin and Slimming Down for the Gown. They are amazing. I want their successes. But I feel like I can't. Any words of advice or wisdom or motivation would be greatly appreciated. My email is if you do not want to put it as a comment. Thanks for reading everyone. I really appreciate it...