Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I seem to be able to beat cravings, but I still cannot deal with stress and anxiety without eating!! I am so stressed out today because I am awaiting a phone call about the possible job and also waiting to find out about school...and I ate 2 bowls of Fritos. I feel as though all my hard work is out the window, guilt is such a bad feeling. I need some coping mechanisms or something. Instead of going for more I thought I would write this post instead...
That is all...

Ugly Cupcake Society

Well people I am posting to tell you all that I am a proud member of the Ugly Cupcake Society, what is this you ask? Well the awesome woman who is over at posted a beautiful post about being an ugly cupcake so check that out for sure. It is based on that cupcakes are what society deems as perfect looking, perfect hair, body, tan, clothes (the superficial things in life) and the muffins are the ones who may not fit this mould, but are proud of it! I am proud that I am curvy and that my hair does not get brushed sometimes and that I am not fake looking! It is all about being a real person, I think personality trumps looks anyday and I will never spend hours on my appearance when I can just wear a smile and know that I am happy with who I am on the inside.

Who would not want to be a muffin? If YOU are a muffin check out the above link or click on my image on the left side of the blog with the cupcake to go to the challenge and society website. I hope that all my girls (and guy) out there trying to lose weight will become members, I nominate all of you!

Top of the muffin to ya!

The Anticipation Is KILLING ME!!!

Good morning all,
So yes, the anticipation is killing me of where I will be in September. I have applied to teachers college in 3 different cities, one being the city I live in right now and the other two are about 9 and 7 hours away which would be a huge change. K and I have probably been apart a week total in the entire time we have been together, and since we both moved to this new city we really only have each other, so being apart for a year would be very hard, but ofcourse it would be worth it for me to have a career in the end of it. I also applied to college in this city in case I do not get into teachers college as it is extremely hard to get in to teachers college in Ontario so I needed a back up plan! I got into college so at least I know I will be going to school in the fall, but tonight I find out if I will be moving far away and going to teachers college, I want this day to go by as fast as possible yet ofcourse I woke up at 8:30am and now have to sit around all day and wait it out. So I plan on doing a lot of cross stitching, working out and reading just trying to make the day go by! K was supposed to work midnights tonight but now he only works until 6pm so at least he will be here when I find out if I got rejected or not. I guess I just want to know the most because I do not like not knowing where I will be in a few months, we are trying to plan for the future and currently cannot and there will be a lot to do if I am moving that far away!!

Yesterday K and I ran a million errands which actually was fun we always have fun even if we are just grocery shopping. I convinced him that we need a Costco membership (I LOVE COSTCO) and I think he discovered a love for it too! We went to dinner and then went to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D, I thought it was pretty good but I think the 3D glasses were giving K a headache, we were going to see another movie but decided to come home instead he was tired and had to get up early this morning. So I got to see the end of The Biggest Loser...I have one question...WHY IS THE RED BIATCH BACK????????????????????????????? What happened?? I cannot stand her, ofcourse she would be back UGH UGH UGH watch her win the whole show, I get nauseous just thinking about it. I love Stephanie, I think people got the wrong impression of her she never seemed like a game player to me! I think they were just threatened by her.

Today I am supposed to find out if I got the grocery store job, I really hope I did. If I did I do not think I will proceed with the Old Navy interviews because I do not think starting 2 jobs at the exact same time would work out with training and such, and Old Navy said they are not hiring seasonals I think I would feel guilty leading them on knowing I would quit in August. So there are some other part time jobs I think I will apply for. I really hope I get the grocery job though, I mean I do not want it as my career but I have done it for 11 years and I like it. So wish me luck!

As for weight loss, I have been doing well with my eating, I am stuck at 189 right now, I need to drink more water and eat more during the day. What I do eat is good but I need more and to eat more things that are less points (if anyone is doing Weight Watchers you will know what I am talking about). I cannot afford to do the meetings right now but I have all the books and the journal and points counter so I am doing it on my own. I am happy to be out of the 190s but I want to be into the mid 180s and then up and out of there! My 25th birthday is in 6 weeks and I so desperately want to be in the 170s by then, even if just 179! So lets hope I can do it!

I have recently taken up a project of trying to read the 100 best books of all time according to a Canadian poll. I have read so far To Kill a Mockingbird and The Da Vinci Code and am currently almost done Little Women, so I am choosing my next book soon. The Harry Potter books are on there, so maybe I will try to get into them next. I just do not think I will like them but everyone tells me I will. The Bible is on the list, which will take me a long time to read but I have always wanted to try reading it!

Well this is getting long, have a good Wednesday:)
PS I want Easter chocolate! My mom says we are too old for Easter baskets, but I requested one creme egg, I hope I get it!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I Did Not Binge!

Hello Peeps (it is almost Easter, get it...Peeps? lol)
So I hope everyone had a good Sunday and Monday. After I wrote my blog asking people to stop me from eating chips I finally left the apartment. I was trying to talk myself out of it because I knew if I left the house my car would take me right to a convenience store for some chips. So I finally decided to brave the outdoors, if there are any other secret eaters out there you know how hard this is! So I went to Giant Tiger for some computer paper, then went for a tan, then to Subway for dinner. I went to one I had never been to before and it was in a sketchy area, it looked like a drug deal was going on out in front and it was shady, I was scared yet hungry so I went in anyways and it was fine, just happy my car was still there when I came out. Now here is where it became difficult, on either side of the Subway there was a convenience store!! I just stood in the parking lot and stared at them thinking how much I wanted to go in, and just get a little bag, but you know what? I resisted!!

I came home and started immediately cross stitching to take my mind off of wanting chips because I was still considering going to the store. So I stitched for hours upon hours, made a bag of 100 calorie Smart Pop, watched some America's Next Top Model and called it a day! Binge resistance complete, I think this is the first time in my whole life that when I was alone I did not just eat every bad thing I could find so one small step for fat people everywhere but one giant leap for me :)

So yesterday I had my interviews. They both went well, I have a second one at Old Navy on Thursday unfortunately it is for the position I did not really want but hey I need a job right? I am pretty sure I will get both jobs so I do not know if that will work, ofcourse I want to work full time hours but starting 2 at once might not work because there will be so many training hours and they will probably conflict with each other. So I will take the first one offered to me and then do my best about the second one of I get it! Today K and I are running about 8 errands so we will be gone all day, then we are going for dinner (somewhere healthy, no Pizza Hut lol) and then we are going to see 2 movies, it is cheap night. I have never seen 2 movies in one night, I think it will be fun. We are going to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D and Hot Tub Time Machine, it looks funny. I am excited. We got in a fight last night so I am glad we are still going, we usually work it out pretty quickly.

Tomorrow at midnight is when I find out about teachers college, I hope at least someone is around so I can celebrate/cry to them about getting in or not!! I am nervous!!!

Happy Tuesday do not forget to watch Biggest Loser tonight, even though I cannot but I will watch it on demand:)

Go Daris (LOVE HIM)

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Help Needed

Yo peeps
Today I was reading some blogs and came across a few questions that Mann Land 5 posted on their blog and a lot of people have chosen to answer them as well to show people a little more about them. These questions are from a mans point of view so I thought it would be fun to answer them here in my blog, and all you blogger followers can copy and paste the questions and answer them in your own blog, or you can find them at: So here they are,

1 - Why did you start blogging?

2 - Who's the one blog friend that you would want to meet most in "real life"?
3 - Why are you always concerned with losing that "extra 10 pounds" when chances are your husband/boyfriend/friends tell you that you look just fine the way you are?
4 - What's the one thing you wish guys could understand about you?
5 - Tattoos. How many do you have and how many are visible when you wear your "everyday" clothes?
6 - What was the best year of your life and why?
7 - Name three things you would do if you were a man for one day.
8 - What's your alcoholic drink of choice that usually raises a few eyebrows?

The answers:

1) I started blogging because I have been struggling with my weight and other issues for so long and with living in a new city I do not have people to talk to I really needed an outlet. I am so glad I did because the support and comments I get from my fellow bloggers is more than I could have imagined or expected.

2) Hmm I would love to meet all of my blog friends in real life! I think Whitney over at and Allison over at would be cool to meet since we are around the same age and going through some of the same issues! But I think I would love to meet at 38 of my blog friends!! :)

3) Yes my boyfriend says he loves me the way I am. I do not want to lose weight for him I want to do it for ME, I want to be healthy, I do not want to be overweight anymore!

4)The one thing I wish guys could understand about me is...well the only guy I care about pretty much totally understands me! But I think I would want them to know that I am not the type of girl who gets possessive after a break up. So many of my exes have blocked me on facebook and stupid stuff like this, as if I would stalk them and want them back, I think they need to get over themselves! I think if you are friends before you date you can be friends after, apparently they do not know this about me! (boys and their egos, or maybe its just their crazy girlfriends make them block me lol)

5)Tattoos, I have 3. None of them are visible while wearing everyday clothes, but I want more, and they will all be visible, I would like the back of my neck, and my foot!

6)The best year of my life well I have 2 for different reasons. 2004 was my first year of university and I had the most fun of my entire life living in residence. But 2009 I met K and we have had a great relationship so far.

7)If I were a man for one day I so much bad food and not gain a pound since they seem to be able to do that, I would be able to shower and then have my hair be dry within 5 minutes of getting out (I would love that) and I would just ignore every possible thing that people say to me or what goes on around me!

8)I actually do not really drink very much anymore, but I used to love "broken down golf cart" shots!

Now here is where the help is needed, K is not home today and will not be back until tomorrow afternoon. I am here alone and I want chips, I want to go to the store buy a huge bag of chips and just eat the whole thing. I am going out later to tan and I know I will want to stop off at the convenience store for some chips... HELP ME!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Cheat Day

Hello friends
Well yesterday was a good day!! I reached my first 5 pound loss, I did reach 189.8 which is under the 190's however I knew that it would go up a little bit after dinner and such so I am now still 190 which is fine with me as I just hope to make it solidly into the 180's for April 1st which is this week (I cannot believe it!). Also yesterday I got 2 job interviews YES 2! I got an interview for Old Navy and also for Loblaws which is a grocery store here. I have worked in a grocery store for 10 years so I hope that unless I completely screw up in the interview that I should hopefully get the job. The Old Navy job is a group interview and I think it is just an info session but the lady said that she would be setting up one on one interviews. Both my interviews are on Monday so I will keep everyone posted. I would rather get these then the one I have been waiting to hear about, the money would be about the same and with these jobs I could continue to work them throughout school whereas the other job ends in August. So I really hope I could do both since they are both part time but I just hope they are both accommodating to my schedule. Has anyone worked at either of these places before?

My sister came last night, it was awesome to see her and we had fun. We went to dinner and I ate really well, I had a quarter rotisserie chicken (white meat) and a side of pasta, I ate half the chicken and half the pasta, then had a garden salad and diet coke. So I was proud of this! I normally would eat the entire plate. However I did have some bread but I told myself that I was fine with this and I really enjoyed it and was only up about .4 after dinner which is not bad at all. Then after dinner we came back and watched The Blind Side it is a great movie, I highly recommend it for sure. Such a good story, if I had the money to do what these people did I totally would. It takes special people to take someone into their home. I love Sandra Bullock too and she was great in the movie, I think all of you should watch it :) My sister was all happy that my cat Frank snuggled with her all night, her cat never snuggles and she begs him to, so she was so happy that Frank slept with her all night, such a good snuggly kitty. Then today we went to the mall because she wanted to go to Lu Lu Lemon but we did not find much, she bought me a CD (new Beyonce) and wanted to buy me something at Lu Lu Lemon but I do not like people spending that kind of money on me so I told her I could not find anything I liked. She just left a couple hours ago and it was great to see her, and definitely nice to have a visitor!

Today I call cheat day, I have been doing awesome and am having one day to maybe eat a treat or something. I know that if I do not have this kind of day once a week or once every 2 weeks I WILL binge, I know this for a fact. So I am going to have pizza tonight, and I am going to LOVE IT. I know how bad it is for me and you know what? I am fine with it because I know tomorrow I am going to work my butt off and do the same all week. This week I pledge to drink lots of water and work out 4 times!

Happy Saturday :)

Friday, March 26, 2010

First 5 Pounds GONE!

Hello friends,
Happy Friday! Unfortunately I am still not working nor have any friends here so Friday is really just any other day for me, but I know lots of you guys must love Fridays since it means the weekend!! Our life is kind of the opposite, K works all weekend and is usually off during the week, so I am alone on weekends with my kitties ofcourse. My sister is coming tonight though so I am definitely looking forward to that since she has never been to visit me yet in my new city. We have been here for 5 months and she has not been here or seen our apartment yet so I am looking forward to it, we will go to dinner and rent a movie I think. Tomorrow she wants to go to the mall to go to Lu Lu Lemon which is her favourite store, I clearly have no money so I will tag along and wish I did have some.

I have not heard from the job yet, I am so nervous seriously this is my only job opportunity so far. The only thing I am worried about is that it goes right until Labour Day and I am going away for a week in August. K said I would be stupid to turn it down because of that so I should take it and then tell them about it later and hope it works out. I mean if I cannot use them for a reference oh well, I am only there for a few months if I even get the job since it is just for the summer. I just want a job ahhh is this so much to ask? I just need a job for 5 months!! Then it is time for school. I find out April 1st if I got into teachers college, I hate not knowing where I will be in September I could be potentially moving 8 hours away so I just need to know! Good thing April 1st is coming up soon! I do not love this city I would love to move back to where I am from and where my friends and family are but I will either be here for another year and a half or be in a brand new city, so I will not be moving home for a long time :(

As for weight loss, I lost my first 5 pounds! Sounds like nothing but this is the most I have ever lost. I have always tried for a few days maybe lost a pound, then gain it back then lose it again. But this time I have really done it. One full week of tracking my food and counting my Weight Watchers points and working out and I have lost my first 5 pounds. I am exactly 190 pounds right now, so close to being in the 180's which I have not seen in a LONG TIME. I am glad that every day I am down in weight even if it is just .2 or so, I will take it. I am very proud of myself and cannot wait to keep it up. Next week I pledge to work out more and drink more water! Last night since I had been doing so well I decided to eat a half of a mini bag of chips, as soon as I was done eating them I felt horrible. I had terrible chest pains and my leg arms was so tingly and I could not feel my hand. I know that this was not because of the chips but I almost felt like it was a sign, that if I keep this up and I keep being 50 pounds overweight that a heart attack could be in my future and I do NOT want that. I pledge to lose more weight and be healthier and happier!

I finally watched The Biggest Loser for this week and it was amazing!! A definite tear jerker when they went home and everyone was so proud of them I cried for every single one of them and also when every one of them finished their bike marathon. So emotional!! Such a good episode, I still really do not like Melissa of the red team who we saw again in this episode. I like her husband Lance but when he is around her there is like a different side of him that comes out. Has anyone else noticed that? I like the people who are there to purely lose weight and be happy and healthy and who cheer on other people even when they have been beaten by them in competitions and weigh ins. I was so happy the black team triumphed because the blue team is cocky! Although my love for Daris is growing at a rapid pace, I LOVE HIM!!!

Anyways happy Friday everyone and I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

So Close to The 180's!

Hello friends,

Well the last few days I have been pretty busy which is nice compared to sitting around while K is at work with my kitties. Yesterday K and I went to visit his grandma and her boyfriend for the day. It was a nice visit and they are great people, they live in a seniors condominium and I love seniors I think they are so cute. I saw some of them line dancing, some playing cards and some playing shuffle board, I wanted to move in but apparently I did not make the age requirement ha ha. So as soon as we got there his grandma says "where do you guys want to go for lunch, fish and chips or Arbys?". I was thinking "oh no, nothing at either of those places is good for me", so since we only see them a few times a year I was not going to say that I could not eat at those places so we chose fish and chips since fish is a tad healthier. So I got 1 piece of haddock lightly breaded (although it definitely had some grease on it) and I only ate about 10 small french fries and a diet coke. So I felt bad about it yet not terrible, I did my best in the situation I was put in. So for dinner I had a chicken breast and half a bun and some water. So my dinner was a lot better and I did not feel so bad anymore.

We played some euchre and had a nice visit and it is K's birthday next week so they had birthday cake and I did not have any! So this morning I was down .2 I will take it!!

Today I finally had my job interview! I think it went pretty well, I will be finding out this week and then if I get the job it starts the 3rd week of April which means I would have to borrow money for rent one more time from my parents. But my dad told me the other day that right now we can call it even and that I do not owe him the 1000 h lent me which made me very happy! So if I only owe him 500, I can handle that. So lets hope I get this job. Then K and I went for breakfast and I only had eggs and toast instead of the usual (bacon, eggs, toast and potatoes), so cutting the bacon and home fries made me feel good. Then we ran some more errands and we had Subway for dinner, MMM, my new obsession. I never ate a sandwich until I was about 23 and I had the second one ever the other night (I know it is weird) but my mom just never made them for us! So needless to say I am obsessed with Subway now! MMMMMM

We are not leaving this apartment the landlord was not having it, so as soon as our lease is up we are out of here! Just hope my landlords give us screens in our windows because it is hot up here and we cannot open them since our cats will jump to their deaths! Does anyone watch Americas Next Top Model?? I just cannot get over how anyone over a size 2 or 4 is considered a "plus size model", wow what would I be???????? No wonder young girls have such skewed body images! I missed Biggest Loser last night so I cannot wait to watch it on demand soon! LOVE that show :) So I have lost 4.2 pounds this past week just by cutting out bad food and working out (YAY), although I did not get to work out yesterday or today but I will tomorrow and the next!! So I am so close to the 180s WOOT CANNOT WAIT!

Have a great Wednesday all!

Monday, March 22, 2010

3 Pounds Gone!!

Well 3 pounds does not really sound like a lot but to me, it certainly is. Since I started actually trying to lose weight and committing only a few days ago I have officially lost 3 pounds. It feels really good, even though I am still in the 190s and clearly overweight I feel happy that I have lost 3 pounds :). My goal for the end of March is to be in the 180's! So I shall keep working hard to accomplish that mini goal, K also told me that when I reach 185 he will pay for me to go do some tanning or get my hair did lol, so come on 185!!

I have not eaten anything bad for me which is a triumph all on its own, no chips which is a huge success for me. I have started to eat crackers anytime I feel like I need something crunchy, so instead of eating a whole big bag of chips I will eat 10 crackers or so. Yesterday I was so mad I wanted to go for a nice long walk since the weather was nice and I did not feel like working out in the house. So I got dressed, got my iPod and sunglasses, put my shoes on and then realized that my keys were in K's car!! So I could not go, one of the downsides of living in an apartment is if you do not have your keys you cannot leave because then you cannot get back in the building UGH. So then I did not want to skip exercising so I did one of my Wii workouts. This time I did the Jenny McCarthy one called "Your Shape" does anyone else have this one? Well it is definitely not my favourite. It comes with a webcam that you have to use so you are staring at yourself the entire time, which I obviously did not like as I hate how I look in shorts and a tank top. However it definitely makes you want to keep working out so that you do not look like that anymore! So it is a double edged sword and I was sweating up a huge storm after!!

The other night K and I went grocery shopping and I made him walk up and down every isle, now this does not sound like a lot but it is a really big store. So we went up and down every one other than the chip isle because I cannot go down there without buying some! So every little bit helps, and since I went on all the errands the other day I got my promised Betty and Veronica comic lol, I have not ready it yet but I will soon.

In other news we are not moving out, the landlord was not having it AT ALL. (UGH)
My job interview has been moved to Wednesday, seriously I am getting nervous that she just does not want to meet with me so she keeps putting it off, I hope that is not the case.

Have a good Monday all!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

My Oprah "AHA" Moment

Well my friends I had my first Oprah "AHA" moment, for those of you who do not watch Oprah an "aha" moment is when something just hits you, I guess it is along the same lines as having an epiphany. Last night I could not sleep at all, I tried so hard but just could not sleep, apart from K snoring I was being kept up by something different, my brain! It just would not stop thinking, it was yelling at me and would not let me sleep no matter how hard I wanted to. Normally I can just shut off my mind and rationalize things by making many excuses. I am a master at this, I always came up with crazy rationalizations for dropping classes, spending money, not losing weight, eating a whole pizza. But this time I simply had no excuses I tried to tell my brain to shut up but it just would not let me sleep it would not allow it! So i laid there went into the spare room because K was snoring so loud and just laid there with Frank my cat and thought.

I thought that I really can give this weight loss thing a try, I was always skinny growing up and never ever had to worry about losing weight. I was one of those people who could eat fried chicken and Fritos everyday and not gain a pound. Now I hate people like that lol. My sister always told me that one day it would catch up to me and IT DID. So as the years have gone by I have just completely sat on my ass and not truly tried to lose it and now I have over 50 pounds to lose because I just kept eating my feelings and drowning my sorrows in pizza. So last night I committed to myself that I would truly 100% commit to losing this weight, I am going to try my hardest and do my best to do this. For the first time I am going to put everything I have into it, so today was Day 1 of the healthy lifestyle I promise to lead. So I guarantee some posts to come that I will be writing about chip withdrawal and not wanting to work out and wanting to binge on pizza. So my friends I plead with you when you see these posts yell at me!!

So after all these realizations I finally fell asleep for about an hour only to wake up to my cat puking on my bedroom carpet, what a way to start a new day!! So today i start tracking my food and working out, so here is what I did and ate.

Breakfast: 2 pieces of whole wheat toast with peanut butter, strawberry activia yogurt(mmm) and apple juice
Lunch: crackers, 2 bottles of water
Dinner: Subway sub, diet coke

I really did not eat a lot today but my small victory was that I did not eat anything bad for me, which believe me is a huge success for me. I also did 45 minutes of a sweaty workout on the Wii some Wii Fit and some Biggest Loser (which kicked my ass). Does anyone else get angry when their Wii Fit goes "OOOH you are overweight" I want to kick it, although I know it is telling me the truth. I have added a picture of my starting weight and BMI on the Wii fit, borderline obese, this will change my friends!

I have also added some pictures of my loves to brighten up my blog with the things I love the most:)

Happy weekend everyone!

Notice how my Mii is very ashamed of her BMI lol her eyes are shut, she does not want to look at it!

The quality is not good, but you get the point!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Job Interview The Saga Continues

Well...I did not have my interview this morning AGAIN. This time definitely not my fault the lady emailed me and told me she had a family emergency and that she needed to re schedule for Monday. Then this morning she said she needed Tuesday lol. Well K says that it is probably a good sign that she wants to keep re scheduling because if she did not want to meet with me or did not think my resume was impressive then she probably would just cancel.

It has never been this hard for me to get a job! I need one so bad! AHH!

I hope this shows the lady how flexible and understanding I am, I feel like I am meant to have this job, lets hope Tuesday is the day!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Job Interview...Part 2

So tomorrow is my interview it feels like forever even though it has only been one day since I screwed up the first one. So it is tomorrow at 10:30am, oh I am so nervous because this has been the one and only call I have received for a job interview since I moved here 5 months ago. So everyone keep your fingers crossed, I am sure a lot of people applied for the job but I am hoping that I get it.

I have lost 1.6 pounds in a week which I guess is good, but I want more, however the only way I will get more is if I get off my butt and start doing more. I have been so stressed out with my zero balance bank account and having to borrow money and thinking how I am going to pay all my bills that I just sit here and think and worry instead of getting up and taking this time to work on me. I am just constantly thinking about it all the time I feel like well if I get up and work out or do something then I am taking time away from looking for more jobs or doing something more about getting myself out of this debt. But I am starting to recognize this and maybe I should be taking this time for myself and to really get this going. I NEED TO. Motivation is hard to come by for me right now with how every other aspect of my life is going and I do not know anyone here so it really has to come from me which is hard.

In other news I still want out of this apartment, I think we are going to talk to the landlords soon we are nervous about that. There is a building we really want to move into and hope that we can get out of here and in there but we shall see! When K gets home we are going to discuss and figure everything out, and then go run some errands to WalMart and such, I love WalMart although I do not love going when I have zero money but K said that if I went with him on all his errands he would buy me a Betty and Veronica comic, ha ha yes I know I am 25 but I still love them!!

Hope everyone is having a great day and keep your fingers crossed :)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Healthy You Challenge

Hello all,

So I have just joined the Healthy You Challenge and I was just wondering if some of you out there could give me some advice or tips about this challenge. I am really new to the blogging world so I am not sure how to do certain things. I was wondering if anyone could tell me how to add a second sidebar to my blog so that I could add my weight loss stats and also my badges that i gain through this challenge. Also if anyone out there has any tips for me on what I should post on here to achieve the best weight loss experience as I am new to this!

So thanks in advance I really appreciate it :)

I Am Cursed

Why can nothing go the way I want? Seriously I feel like I am cursed, my family has never had good luck and we always joke about the "W Curse" as we like to call it, my mom says I should change my last name, and I certainly am thinking about it. Ever since I moved here nothing absolutely nothing has gone my way despite my efforts. So today I had my job interview...well I was supposed to. The lady told me that it was downtown on Dundas Street in the same building as the library, Ok I know where that is, so I went there and started looking, and looking and could not find it so 9:15 rolls around which is the time of my interview so I ask a lady where this office is. She tells me there is ANOTHER building with a library in it on the same road but that it is far away from the one I was in. UGH. I started to cry, the one and only job interview I have had and I am desperate for money and I missed it. So I came home and called the girl and thankfully I have an interview on Friday morning, but still now I have made a bad impression, and it is not guaranteed I even get the job which makes me nervous thinking that if I do not get this one, well I do not know what I will do. I have already borrowed money from my parents and will have to again which I do not want to, and they are not fond of it either. UGH I could cry again right now just thinking about it.

The Biggest Loser last night was really good, in case you have not watched it yet I will not say who got voted off, but I have not cried in awhile watching it but I did last night, I really like the grey team of Koli and Sam it was emotional that Koli finally got into the 200s and that he has now lost over 100 pounds. And might I add that Sam is ripped?? He has an amazing body for someone who is still overweight. (mm) I still love Daris too HEART!

Also I really want out of this building, but it does not look like that is going to happen. Don't really want to get much into that because I am pretty upset over it. But yeah just needed to vent about my unlucky life.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Well today I went to a spa and had a whole spa treatment! My boyfriend (who we will from now on call K) bought me this package for my birthday last year and it is almost my birthday again so I needed to use it. So I got a massage and it hurt SO bad, I guess the place is more about massage therapy then a nice relaxing massage so it definitely hurt! Also it is not everyday that I lay there with no clothes on around a stranger so there they were, stretch marks, fat rolls and cellulite all out there for the massage therapist to see, so that was a tad awkward but it just gave me more motivation to get my ass in gear. I also had my first manicure and pedicure which were very nice unfortunately its still winter and will not be able to wear sandals to show it off but I will still know how pretty my feet look inside my shoes!

I am getting so excited for Disney and it is not even until August but it is definitely some great motivation to really get the weight loss going (I will definitely keep updating on that progress, and thanks to you guys I am getting a lot of ideas on how to do that!) So definitely keep your comments and advice coming I love them!

Job interview tomorrow, I am so nervous because I just need a job so badly and this one seems like a really good one for me, it is all I can think about...cross your fingers people!

Biggest Loser is on tonight CANNOT WAIT. I really like Daris of the original orange team and also Ashley and her mom of the pink team. Who do you guys like?


Yes thats right I got my first job interview in the city I have been living in for 5 months now applying to about 100 jobs and not hearing from one. My best friend talks about willing things into your life...well i started willing this job I really want into my life and poof today the girl asked me for an interview on Wednesday YESSSSSS!! This is such an awesome day (even though I did not eat well) but I am visiting my parents for a couple days and celebrating my anniversary with my boyfriend so we went out for thai which was where we went on our first date how cute:)

So today was a great day and I cannot wait for my interview! As for weight loss I have been inspired by so many of you bloggers out there and your achievements it makes me really think that I can do it, and you know what? I will! Must have that bikini body and the self confidence to rock it!

As for the moving out of our apartment I REALLY WANT TO, my dad has a lawyer who is willing to help us if we need him but we are hoping to get out no problem seeing as the landlords might not want us telling people that they knew there was a drug ring in the apartment right beside theirs and they let it happen, so we are hoping to get out!! We went to see Shutter Island tonight, it was really good but a tad confusing has anyone else seen it??

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Marijuana Grow Op NEXT DOOR!

Yes you are reading this title right people on my floor have been running a marijuana grow op...awesome! Note my sarcasm, this is ridiculous! They live right across the hall from the landlords suspicious? I think not. My boyfriend and I have witnessed a lot of suspicious and odd behaviour over the past months we have been in this building but the last thing we thought was that there was some drug ring going on! So the other day I was going down to get the mail and a police officer got in the elevator with me and off on my floor looking around very suspicioulsy. So then later my boyfriend and I were leaving to go out to dinner and an RCMP officer got on and was going to another floor so we knew something was up. Later that night we could hear a lot of commotion going on in the hallway and it smelled so strongly of drugs both of us got a little sick. We did not want to go in the hallway in case something scary was going on so we stayed in the apartment and looked out the window. Below there were about 8 or 9 RCMP officers wearing bullet proof vests and guns loading up tons of piping and ventillation and drug paraphernillia into the bag of 3 huge trucks...scary.

I have not really felt safe here for awhile since there was an extremely violent fight in the hallway right outside my door where tons of glass was smashed and there were liquor bottles on the ground, we have been approached by people who were obviously waiting for drugs, there are tons of people going in and out of that apartment at all hours and many other fights. So now I do not know what to do, I do not really want to stay here even though the op was found does not mean the people were. There were signs saying that there was an annual inspection going on in the building so who knows if they were dumb enough to stick around I just think even if a few of them got caught like the ones on the lease, they could have made keys for their drug friends because there were always different people coming in and out, I just do not want to be in the wrong place at the wrong time...

Also it is a big unnerving knowing that they lived so close to the landlords it shows that they do not really care who comes in and out and I do not like that either, but we are in a year lease and it is only half up and we are not sure if breaking a lease for these reasons like personal safety reasons would be possible. Does anyone know anything about this type of thing? My dad has a lawyer that is willing to write a letter and such to the landlords but we are not sure what to do because we cannot afford to pay a penalty to leave UGH I really do not know what to do...

On lighter news my cat loves me too much. He needs an intervention. He always has to be attached to me at all times, although I secretly love it, it can be annoying at times such as right now. I am sitting on my bed writing this and have music blaring and I can still hear him snoring lol, he is like an 80 year old man! He is not even 2 years old yet and sometimes I think he is like 15, haha oh Frank!

Is anyone else out there absolutely addicted to horrible TV? Well I am! I will watch anything on MTV just horrible shows like Jersey Shore or the Real World well basically anything on MTV...terrible haha I have to watch them in private or the Real addicting and so terrible...yet delicious lol Just wondering if anyone else out there really loves this horrible TV as much as I do!

Wow the economy really IS that bad!

So we have all heard people talking about how hard it is to get a job and how bad the economy is and I kept saying "Oh I can find a job I have a degree and lots of work experience" WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been unemployed for five months, the longest I have ever not been working since I turned 14 which was eleven years ago. So how did I get to this position? Well after graduation my boyfriend and I decided to go back to school me for a second degree and him for his masters well we hated it. Being at the same school for a 6th year just did not feel right and we decided to make a change. So he got a job about 2 hours away from my hometown and closer to his, so I thought why not try moving to a big city since I am from an extremely small town. I thought there would be tons of jobs considering how big the city is, well I was right that there are jobs but apparently did not think of how many people would be applying!! Going from a town of 1 thousand to a city of 400 000 well it is so much harder to get a job here than I ever imagined. I have applied to jobs in my field, malls, clothing stores, grocery stores, fast food, and restaurants and I have not even received ONE PHONE CALL for an interview sometimes I think my phone is broken but it is not!

So I am keeping my hopes up thinking this week will be the week that I get a job it has to happen eventually right? Well thats what I am going to keep telling myself! Unfortunately I have had to borrow some money from my parents which I HATE doing because I have always been independent and I receive lectures and have to listen to how much of a screw up I am but there is no where else to turn for help money wise right now. My boyfriend works so hard but he cannot pay for everything but he is great and buys all the food and such which is a great help. But I still need money for rent and bills and my debt payments from that awesome degree that got it will get me somewhere someday! I have applied to teachers college and also college for this September so I just need something to get me through until then so I hope something comes up soon. I have been accepted into college into the social work program and am waiting to find out about teachers college, I find out in about 2 weeks (fingers crossed)! So unfortunately again I will have to borrow money from family for Aprils expenses which I am really dreading, my mom thinks that just because there is a mall beside my apartment that I should have a job by now as if I can just walk in and they will say "Oh of course you are hired!" right on the spot! Since we are from a small town I never had trouble getting a job before and she does not get that things are not the same way here as they are there. She thinks I am not trying hard enough because if I was I would have a job but I know that is not true so that is all that matters! It will happen! I am hoping to hear from a job at the YMCA for a summer office job which I am really looking forward to, I wrote a follow up email to the lady and she really liked that so lets hope I get a call!!

I also found out that I am going to Disney world...or land? Whichever one is in Florida WOOT! I have never been so I am super excited! My boyfriends parents called the other night and said "So do you guys want to go to Disney?" of course we do! We are so tight on money and have not been able to do anything so this call came at the perfect time we cannot wait! His parents are awesome and instead of taking a trip just the 2 of them they are taking the kids on nice! So now I have to really get on that weight loss so I can rock a bikini in Florida :)

Cross your fingers I get a job soon!

Weight Loss!?

Well since I have not posted in so long I thought I would write a few today and separate them or else I would have one giant blog so I apologize in advance for the 5 blogs that I will probably write today! So the weight loss battle continues, I have been reading Monica's blog over at Confessions of a Plus Size and she really inspires me to keep writing about this topic because I feel I can really relate to her so THANKS MONICA :) I admit I really fell off the wagon for awhile and am still 193 (ugh) but I really really want to not be this way anymore, I started working out again and have been doing my best to eat well although chips and pizza really are my worst enemy! Sometimes I am happy that I am so poor because I cannot order pizza as much as I want to but my boyfriend buys that groceries and I always throw in that damn bag of chips, he tries to be supportive but believe me he cannot win, if he says "I thought you were trying to lose weight" I think ok thanks dad for the advice but if he does not say anything then he is enabling lol oh poor men sometimes they really do have to deal with some annoying stuff from us women (don't tell him i admitted that though). I did wish I had more money though so that I could join weight watchers or Curves because I do feel like I need that motivation from an outside source, I wish that I could motivate myself but there is something blocking me. I do not know if I am scared of how much work it will take to really lose weight or that I just enjoy failing I really do not know. For this reason I have been seeking some counselling just to help me figure out what is going on in my head that continues to block me from really going for it. However there is a huge waiting list for the counselling because it is a place that has funding for people who cannot afford it which I definitely cannot as I am unemployed which is a whole other blog on its own!

So I will hope that an opening comes up soon so I can get inside my head with a little help. Sometimes I think that people expect me to fail so I just expect myself to fail! My parents are definitely in that group. My dad does not say much about anything he is that dad who is always joking around and just does not talk about serious stuff but my mother well she is a whole other story! She tries to encourage but she just does not, she has always compared me and my sister and puts my sister so high up on her pedestal and I am always just the failure of the family. I wish I was over exaggerating or lying but I am not I have been told that I am fat, that I am not doing anything with my life, that I should have lived my sisters life, that I am irresponsible with money (what money??) and so on. It is so upsetting and discouraging when your own mother does not believe in you sometimes it is hard to believe in yourself when the people who are supposed to really believe in you do not. This issue is something I have been really struggling with lately as I have been really put down by my family lately and have been made even more of the outcast then I already am. My sisters boyfriend has become the 4th member of the family and I am never included in family things, I have confronted my mother numerous times about this but have been told that it is not true so I am at a point where I think maybe I just need to not have much of a relationship with them anymore and just live my life and know that I will never treat my kids the way I have been treated, it will make me a better parent whenever that time comes for me. I could go on and on about things my mom has done or said to me but I am starting to just think life would be better for me if I stopped concentrating on that and just lived my own life without trying SO hard to be a part of the family and to gain acceptance and for them to be proud. I am not sure how she does not get that my sister is 6 years older than me of course she is going to have a career and such, when my sister was age she was in the same situation as me yet my mom thinks I should be just as successful as my sister even though I am so much younger, and hello my sister is 30 and lives still with my parents yet my mom says "Oh I never have to worry about M because she is such an amazing person but Lauren oh she is a full time job I am always worried about her" WHATEVER of course she does not have to worry about my sister she has ZERO expenses and lives at home I am the one who has been living in the real world for 6 years doing it on my own never asking for help UGH. Well talking about this is getting me fired up so I think I will stop.

As for weight loss I need to kick my own butt and really just do it, I do not know what I am so afraid of...does anyone else feel this way that they have some sort of mental block that keeps them from succeeding or trying anything hard?? I do not want to let fear rule my life yet when I am around other people I feel so small and intimidated which is why I do not go to the Y for workout classes or try new things. HELP!

It Has Been Awhile

Well my friends it has been too long since I have posted, about 3 months to be exact. I do not know why i stopped blogging but I was going through some hard times and instead of using my blog as therapy I just started eating horrible food and wallowing in my own misery which of course never helps. So I thought I would start writing again and I would definitely appreciate any words of encouragement or advice from all or any of you :)
So I guess some updates are in order...where to begin. Well I had been dwelling on a lot of negative thoughts before the new year and was trying to deal with them yet I just kept stewing over certain things and could not let them go. One major thing was feeling as though I had no friends. Well this simply is not true I have some very good friends but they all live far away from me and even though we communicate through the phone or email it just is not the same since I am either with my boyfriend or completely alone which made me feel like I had no one. I love Facebook but I hate it all at the same time. It is good for helping to keep in touch with people but sometimes I get stuck looking at peoples pictures having so much fun with all their friends and seeing groups of girlfriends who have all stuck together over the years and it makes me sad because I feel I do not have that. Yet I know I am lucky to have a few really good friends and a great sister that I know would always be there for me when I really need them. Unfortunately the group of girls I belonged to all through my high school years turned out to be not the greatest people. I was always the one who did not talk about them and was a great friend to them and this past year one of them decided she did not like me anymore so of course now I am just completely cast out. Sometimes I have such a hard time believing we are 25 years old and still dealing with the same trivial things as when we were 12, some things never change I guess. So as my New Years resolution I decided that I would try not to care so much about those girls and accept the face that I do have some awesome friends who just happen to be spread across Canada and it is easy to focus on those girls who have ditched me because they are the only ones who stuck around and did not move far away so I guess it is always easy to focus on what is closest to you, it does hurt though as we were very close so I did not really make an effort to hang out with other people because I was always with them so now I really am on my own but I am hoping that one day I will meet some awesome new friends and not even think about those girls anymore. As much as my boyfriend sometimes gets on my nerves I sure am glad to have him because he truly is my best friend also, and I am so glad to have my best friend Sandra who even though she lives in Vancouver now we still talk oh about 6 times a day on MSN lol so I am glad she is in my life.
So it is time to really appreciate the people in my life and stop wishing I had that tight group of girlfriends from high school yes some people are lucky enough to have a group of loyal girlfriends but maybe I just haven`t found mine yet?