Well since I have not posted in so long I thought I would write a few today and separate them or else I would have one giant blog so I apologize in advance for the 5 blogs that I will probably write today! So the weight loss battle continues, I have been reading Monica's blog over at Confessions of a Plus Size and she really inspires me to keep writing about this topic because I feel I can really relate to her so THANKS MONICA :) I admit I really fell off the wagon for awhile and am still 193 (ugh) but I really really want to not be this way anymore, I started working out again and have been doing my best to eat well although chips and pizza really are my worst enemy! Sometimes I am happy that I am so poor because I cannot order pizza as much as I want to but my boyfriend buys that groceries and I always throw in that damn bag of chips, he tries to be supportive but believe me he cannot win, if he says "I thought you were trying to lose weight" I think ok thanks dad for the advice but if he does not say anything then he is enabling lol oh poor men sometimes they really do have to deal with some annoying stuff from us women (don't tell him i admitted that though). I did wish I had more money though so that I could join weight watchers or Curves because I do feel like I need that motivation from an outside source, I wish that I could motivate myself but there is something blocking me. I do not know if I am scared of how much work it will take to really lose weight or that I just enjoy failing I really do not know. For this reason I have been seeking some counselling just to help me figure out what is going on in my head that continues to block me from really going for it. However there is a huge waiting list for the counselling because it is a place that has funding for people who cannot afford it which I definitely cannot as I am unemployed which is a whole other blog on its own!
So I will hope that an opening comes up soon so I can get inside my head with a little help. Sometimes I think that people expect me to fail so I just expect myself to fail! My parents are definitely in that group. My dad does not say much about anything he is that dad who is always joking around and just does not talk about serious stuff but my mother well she is a whole other story! She tries to encourage but she just does not, she has always compared me and my sister and puts my sister so high up on her pedestal and I am always just the failure of the family. I wish I was over exaggerating or lying but I am not I have been told that I am fat, that I am not doing anything with my life, that I should have lived my sisters life, that I am irresponsible with money (what money??) and so on. It is so upsetting and discouraging when your own mother does not believe in you sometimes it is hard to believe in yourself when the people who are supposed to really believe in you do not. This issue is something I have been really struggling with lately as I have been really put down by my family lately and have been made even more of the outcast then I already am. My sisters boyfriend has become the 4th member of the family and I am never included in family things, I have confronted my mother numerous times about this but have been told that it is not true so I am at a point where I think maybe I just need to not have much of a relationship with them anymore and just live my life and know that I will never treat my kids the way I have been treated, it will make me a better parent whenever that time comes for me. I could go on and on about things my mom has done or said to me but I am starting to just think life would be better for me if I stopped concentrating on that and just lived my own life without trying SO hard to be a part of the family and to gain acceptance and for them to be proud. I am not sure how she does not get that my sister is 6 years older than me of course she is going to have a career and such, when my sister was age she was in the same situation as me yet my mom thinks I should be just as successful as my sister even though I am so much younger, and hello my sister is 30 and lives still with my parents yet my mom says "Oh I never have to worry about M because she is such an amazing person but Lauren oh she is a full time job I am always worried about her" WHATEVER of course she does not have to worry about my sister she has ZERO expenses and lives at home I am the one who has been living in the real world for 6 years doing it on my own never asking for help UGH. Well talking about this is getting me fired up so I think I will stop.
As for weight loss I need to kick my own butt and really just do it, I do not know what I am so afraid of...does anyone else feel this way that they have some sort of mental block that keeps them from succeeding or trying anything hard?? I do not want to let fear rule my life yet when I am around other people I feel so small and intimidated which is why I do not go to the Y for workout classes or try new things. HELP!
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There may be some infinitesimal percentage of the population with a true "defect" that hinders their weight loss, but I know I'm not one of them and most people hope to have this "defect" as an rationalization for their challenges in losing weight. My harsh advice...stop looking for the defect. Sure, you could spend hours in counseling (and I have) going through analysis to find the root causes...forget about it. It doesn't help.
ReplyDeleteThe only "Defect" is not truly choosing to get better...not recognizing your worth and value to take action and keep taking action.
I do have an addiction to gratification, but that isn't a defect per se, it is just a personality element that I recognize and have to address. I get gratification from food, so it is something that I keep on my toes about. But, my addiction to gratification can also be leveraged in my favor since losing weight and getting healthy is also gratifying...exercising and seeing the changes in my body, personality, capabilities, etc. is also gratifying.
I'm a big over-analyzer...and you seem to fit that pattern as well.
Stop thinking and start doing...start doing whatever you think will work (as long as it isn't harmful)...you will not "think" yourself into health.
Assess your worth, make your decision to get better, and get out there...you'll have our support.
Kyle
Getting Better and Better
thanks kyle i do really agree with you!! i am a huge over analyzer sometimes i wish i did not go to university because thats all they teach you lol analyze and pick apart and i somehow turned that on myself!!
ReplyDeleteyou are right my mental block is ME however I think counselling would definitely help me with some other issues aka family and past stuff. but i totally agree that the weight loss change can only come from me i am really really trying to make myself do it just need a little help from people like you so thanks :)
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong...seeking counseling is certainly a healthy step...I just don't want you to get addicted to it...very easy to do.
While easier said than done, once you are convinced of your own worth than you can begin cutting out any toxic relationships in your life. Of course when it comes to family, it is ideal to try and repair them by setting firm rules along with the consequences.
In this life, you can't count on anyone else (including your family) to validate your worth. As followers, we can provide support, but not validation.
I know you are alone...I too have few full-time friends accept my wife. I have difficulty creating meaningful friendships because I don't always feel that I have anything to bring to the table. I know that is not the case, though. And not the case for you...it is okay not to have the huge co-dependent network. Yes, have a few close people you can share your hopes, fears, dreams, good times, etc., but celebrate your self-reliance as well...that is what will really get you through the toughest times.
Kyle
Getting Better and Better