Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Eating my Feelings, Ex Drama and Crushes

Hello friends,

Well I think my title says it all lol but I will explain! So let's just say the 17 Day Diet was a fail. I just can't stick to something like that, I cannot give up carbs completely, not that I eat them a lot anyways I think I eat bread like once a month now (other than pizza which I eat like once a week, need to stop that for sure). Anyways, I think I just need to commit to losing weight and then just eat better and go to the gym. I mean I do not need to drastically change things it is just that I have a few very bad habits, and also I am the worst emotional eater EVER. I have to stop eating and snacking at night, especially since my snacks are always Fritos or chips. I also need to stop ordering pizza and chicken wings for dinner whenever my parents go out to dinner (I like to secretly eat, so I take advantage when they aren't home). I also get the worst cravings EVER it's a little voice in my head that does not quit and just tortures me until I get in my car and drive to the corner store for those chips, it is bad my friends. The summer just has not been the best for me, I have not done anything fun at all. I have been working like every day (which is good because I need to save money to move out by December 1st) but I have NO social life. I am the only single girl out of all my friends, so they are always with their boyfriends, and I would like a boy to hang out with, alas there isn't one and probably won't be one for awhile. ugh.

My ex drama is definitely annoying. It used to be that he was harassing me constantly about how awful a person I was for breaking up with him and how he will never be over me, he will never move on, he will never find anyone else, I would be an awful person if I dated anyone this summer because it would show that I never really loved him, blah blah blah. Well guess what??? I saw him with a girl!!! He met some girl online, went out with her once and is now in a Facebook official relationship with her. W..T...F?! It just really pisses me off that he has moved on SO fast. I know it has been 3 months but still, he was going on and on about how I would be the awful one if I dated anyone this summer and now he does it??? He has moved on already after going on and on about how he will never move on? UGH. Now I feel like he didn't really care about me as much as he says. And it just hurts that he has moved on and is in a relationship and then here I am all alone, no prospects at all and feeling like I will never have another boyfriend. UGH UGH UGH. He now keeps asking me if we can be friends, but I don't think we can. Why do I always fail at relationships??? I have had so many boyfriends and they obviously never work out I just can't handle it anymore I feel like I will never have that happy relationship that I want... Sad.

Now on to my next thing to be sad about, a crush. Yes people I have a crush on an old friend who I have recently started hanging out with and talking to again. He is everything I would want in a boyfriend. However he is very anti relationship right now and is playing the field this summer, hanging out with girls, hooking up with girls and just having fun. All girls love him so I do not stand a chance. I thought maybe when he is ready for a relationship he would choose me, but I am pretty sure I am giving up. He won't like me back the way I like him. So I will just have to get over it...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

After Almost a Year I am BACK and I Need Your Help!

Hello blogging world,

It has been SO long since I wrote my last entry, I hope you are all still out there and willing to read my blog and be my blogging friends again lol. I have missed reading your blogs and commenting and I really want to stick to it this time again like I used to. So many things have changed in the past 9 months. I finished teachers college and am now a certified teacher qualified to teach Kindergarten to grade 10 (I was originally qualified just K-6 but just finished an online course which qualifies me to teach 7-10 with a specialization in Family Studies). There are no permanent teaching jobs around here but I got hired by the school board so I am hoping to be supply teaching in the Fall. I love teaching and am so glad I decided to take the risk and go get my Education degree. I was skeptical before I left and was not sure teaching was for me or if I would be good at it. But I absolutely loved it and cannot wait to make it my full time career.

Kevin and I also broke up as soon as I got back at the end of April. Things really weren't working for a long time and while I was at school he was not supportive and really ruined a lot of my time there. I realized I did not want that type of partner for the rest of my life, and when I got home I broke up with him. It was hard but it needed to be done. I was surprised at myself that I actually did it, since I am always the one who gets broken up with. And considering how self conscious I am and nervous that I will never find anyone else, I realized that I truly would rather be alone than marry someone who I am not happy with who does not possess the traits that I need in a partner. He got really awful after our break up as well and threatened to have one of our cats put to sleep. It was truly awful. He text me on a Thursday and told me that our cat would be dead if I did not go get her and all of my stuff from the apartment by Saturday. So in a huge hurry I had to find a place for my cats to go since I could not bring them to my parents which is where I am staying and also had to see if my dad would help me move my bed and all other things from the apartment. Luckily my sister took Frank my boy cat and a friend of a friend took Estelle my girl cat. I miss them. But my goal is to move out of my parents house by December 1 because that is when my cat sitting will expire. Kevin was going on and on for these past 2 months about how if I started dating someone else this summer I would be an awful person and how he will never be over me and how he is so depressed and how he will never ever move on, so I felt bad. And even though I am not dating anyone I even told myself that if someone came along I would not date them out of respect for him. Then I find out he has been going on dates and meeting girls online. like WTF!?!?! I have been taking his abuse for so long and being called every name and told how awful I am and then he does this? UGH.

So this summer I have just been working full time at a Duty Free at the Niagara Falls border which is alright, the people there are cool and the jobs is relatively easy. I am just sick of working retail, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I applied to teach at the University I did my undergrad at, and I am praying I get it. It would be an amazing job and I really really really want it. I haven't heard anything yet but please cross your fingers for me!!! I have also started playing baseball again which has been really fun. Our team has not lost a game yet, we have tied a few but haven't lost which has been fun!

Now weight loss. Well...this is where I need all your help. I was having an awful time while at school and fell into a pretty bad eating disorder. Now that I am home I am still having a rough time, a lot of secret eating, and hiding chip bags in drawers in my room and being ashamed. I also had my first anxiety attack today. My mom asked me to take her to the mall so we went and this is where the attack took place. It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced. Because I am SO uncomfortable with how I look that being in a mall surrounded by people it was like my world was closing in
everyone was in summer clothes and I wasn't, and they all looked great in my eyes and I felt like I looked awful and I couldn't try things on because they wouldn't look good and people were in fashion and I wasn't and it was just bad.
I just felt SOOOOOOOOOOO awful!! Everyone was wearing shorts, which I will not wear even though it is over 90 degrees here because I hate my body so much. I am so uncomfortable. I couldn't breathe. I felt so fat, so ugly, so out of place. I used to love shopping now I couldn't get out of there fast enough. This isn't even about weight loss anymore but my mental health and emotional well being. I don't like leaving my house I feel so uncomfortable. I want to date and I want a relationship but I feel like no man will want me or try to date me because of how I look and I have no confidence to attract anyone. I feel like I will be alone forever. I feel like I will be fat forever. I need to make a change now. But I have said this so many times that I feel like who will even take me seriously???

I am stating something called the 17 day diet, on Saturday because I do not get groceries until Friday and it is a specific eating plan. But I can't stick to anything... I always fail. Can I do this? Will it really happen? I don't know. I look up to other bloggers SO much. Especially Mama Laughlin and Slimming Down for the Gown. They are amazing. I want their successes. But I feel like I can't. Any words of advice or wisdom or motivation would be greatly appreciated. My email is if you do not want to put it as a comment. Thanks for reading everyone. I really appreciate it...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I am Finally Back, and with a Serious Problem

Hello blog friends (if I still have any)
I have been the worst blogger ever, and I am sorry for that! But I have decided to start blogging again since I miss all of you and I am also having quite a problem and always felt that I could safely tell my problems on this blog and know that no one would judge me. But first, where have I been you ask? Well I have been back at school!

Towards the end of the summer I stopped blogging because I was just so nervous and pre occupied with going away to school. I am now 5 hours away from my boyfriend, my cats, my family and my friends. It is hard since K and I have been living together for a year and a half so it was hard to come here and I miss him a lot. I also miss my family tons, and going home for Thanksgiving for only 2 days was not enough at all, needless to say I cannot wait until Christmas. I have made some amazing friends here though, and I can definitely say I will be friends with 3 of them after this for the rest of my life! Especially one friend Nick, he and I became instead best friends I have never had that happen to me, to meet someone and become instantly close but with him it was super easy, and it is nice to have a great guy friend again as a lot of mine from high school have really changed a lot in a negative way. I am living in residence again which is extremely hard since I have not lived in residence in 7 years. I have my own room which is nice (even though it is the smallest room I have ever seen lol) but the thing I hate is sharing a bathroom with 11 other people guys and girls and a kitchen which people keep disgusting so I never ever cook in there. It also sucks because at this teachers college every other month you are teaching in a school, and you could choose your home city to teach in (but mine was not an option) so I am stuck here with 3 other people on my floor who I am not close with and all the people I am close with left to go home for this month. So I am the outcast on this floor which does not help since I just stay in my room all the time. They are drinkers and party-ers and I am not, so it is hard but I just keep to myself and stay in my room. But it is hard to hear them laughing and having fun and I miss the people who I laugh with.

Teaching has been going well, a definite struggle but well! Normally a classroom will have between 0 and 2 kids with a learning or behavioural disability in it, my class has 10! So that has been a definite struggle. Also a couple of my kids who are in grade 5/6 split class are at a Kindergarten to grade 2 level so it is sad, as many of them come from horrible backgrounds and have experienced things I would wish upon no one, especially not a 9 or 10 year old. But I am loving them and I love my mentor teacher as well, she is great!

I am sure there is a lot more to catch you all up on, but the problem I have been having has been taking over and is all that is on my mind. I have developed an eating disorder. I cannot believe I just told you all that, but I have to for my own sanity. I used to think that eating disorders were only anorexia or bulimia but I have grown to find out that is not the case. There are many different types. And I can confidently say that I have a problem with food. I am obsessed, and it is a voice in my head that isn't even me, it does not sound like me, in my opinion it is evil. I wake up thinking about it, go to bed thinking about it, weigh myself constantly, hate what I see in the mirror, go all day without eating and then binge, and I have overwhelming thoughts of purging (throwing up), I have even gone in the bathroom and been so close but did not do it, and the sad thing is the reason I have not done it is not because I know it is wrong, but because I just hate throwing up. I always used to blame my food problems on being depressed or eating because I am bored, but I know that is not the case. Because I am not depressed here, I like school, I like teaching, I have friends here. I now know I have a real problem, and that scares me. I called to make a counselling appointment through my university because it is free. But the first appointment open is November 25th which I almost cried when I found this out, and I know that people know it is free so they go for no good reason. But there are people with real problems out there and we need help. I do not know how I will make it through a month. This problem is overwhelming, it is running my life. I have been looking for other free counselling places but the only place is the sexual assault centre which I am thinking of going to as well because of what happened to me in high school. Could these 2 things be related? I am not sure. But maybe it is time I find out.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Progress This Week

Hello Friends
So I started my new regime this week! K and I had our first meeting on Thursday and I set my goals, 1 goal for each day and then 4 goals for the week therefore 11 goals for the whole week. I weighed in for the first time and weight in at 193. I am such a little kid that if I complete my goal K gives me a sticker and it gets me all excited!! Because I made a bright pink bristol board with all my goals by the days of the week so if I complete my goal for that day then K puts a sticker on the day, YAY.

So here are my goals for this week:
Thursday the 22: weigh in a set goals for the week COMPLETE
Friday the 23: Drink 3 of my stainless steel bottles of water (30 ounces each) COMPLETE
Saturday the 24: 5 servings of fruit/veggies COMPLETE
Sunday the 25: go for 5K walk COMPLETE
Monday the 26: Drink 4 of my stainless steel bottles of water (30 ounces each)
Tuesday the 27: do a wii workout
Wednesday the 28: try a new workout and eat 5 servings fruit/veggies

WEEKLY GOALS: 3 workouts, no chips (FAIL had them once), weigh between 190-191 on Thursday the 29th), and only have 1 serving of pizza (2 slices)

So I have completed my first 4 days YAY and 3 to go!!
I will definitely update with my weight loss on Thursday (hopefully a loss) and my goals for next week!
I did my 5K today and woo, it was hard for sure since I have no worked out or gone for a walk in forever so that is a long walk for sure. But I did it!!
Good day friends!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Midnight Chips

Ok well this is something I would love to hide from the world. But tonight at 11:30 I got in my car, drove to the store and bought chips.
I proceeded to eat the chips.
For about a minute I was mad at myself and then I thought. Maybe I needed this... because you know why? They really did not taste all that great. I did not really enjoy them.
Is being overweight worth the taste of these chips?
Maybe a mini bag every once in awhile...
But not how I have been eating them.
One of my goals this week was no chips, so yes I have failed
But I also have 10 other goals for this week
So if I meet 10 and fail 1, should I beat myself up? HELL NO!
Wake up call?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Versatile Blogger Award

Trisha over at has nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award. Thanks Trisha! So here are the rules of the award.

1. Thank the person who gave you the award. Thank you Trisha! I appreciate it ::)

2. Share seven things about yourself. 7 things about me. HMM OK I will put them at the end of this blog.

3. Nominate fifteen newly discovered blogs. 15 hmm, well I do not think I have 15 newly discovered but I will also name some of my faves that I wish other people would subscribe to.

4. Let your nominees know about the award. OH BOY thats a challenge in itself.

OK 7 things about myself

1) I was named after Lauren Bacall, shes an actress who my dad absolutely loved. She was married to Humphrey Bogart who was called Bogie. Now when I was 2 I went downstairs in my grandparents basement, walked up to my grandpa and said "you are skeedy and I am bogie". Now at 2 I clearly did not know I was named after Lauren Bacall and that her husbands name was Bogie. Creepy? I think so!

2) I love old people, they are so cute and when I see a really cute one I get a tear in my eye!

3) If I could adopt every cat from every humane society I would!

4) I am a reality TV fanatic, I watch the most horrible reality shows ever and am not ashamed to admit it.

5) I once shaved my head in grade 7. I took a picture of Matt Damon into the hairdresser and said "cut my hair like this", needless to say I regretted it!

6) I swallowed one of my retainers in my sleep once! Now my bottom teeth are crooked again.

7) When I was younger my mom used to give me so many carrots at dinner, so I would sneak them into my pockets take them to my room and put them in a suit case. My mom found them years later, they were black liquid.

OK 15 people

allison at
alison at
sandra at
Miss Chunky Chick at
Mrs S at
Slim Girl at
Whitney at
Keelie at
Sarah at
Mama Laughlin at
Googie at
Beth at
Lisa at
Erin at
Buzzy and Breezeys mom at

I avidly read all these blogs and love them, hope you all will too!

How Bad Do You Really Want It?

Hello friends
This is a question that K asked me last night at dinner. This was because I had to get my student card picture taken for school and when I looked at it my face just looked so round and my chin blends in with the fat and I have no definition in my face. This made me sad. I used to LOVE pictures of myself and would always be ready to smile for a photo. Now I avoid cameras like the plague and hate how I look in photos. I always feel like pictures do not reflect what I actually look like, but the sad thing is, of course they do!! They are reflections of reality, and reality slapped me square in my round face yesterday. SO what am I doing about it you ask? Well I have said over and over how I am going to lose weight and change yet I never do it. So K asked me last night, how bad do I really want it, how much effort am I willing to put in? And this really hit me. I mean I was glad he asked me these questions because it forced me to think about it. And I think I am ready to put in a steady effort, I know I cannot just wake up and be a completely changed person but I am going to actually put something from my head to paper which I have not done before. So here is the plan.

Since I cannot afford weight watchers anymore K has agreed to have weekly meetings at home with me. I will weigh in every Thursday in front of him and he will write down my weight and then we will chat about my weekly goals and what I am going to commit to for that week. And hopefully he will give me some stickers if I do good lol. I am such a child ha ha but stickers are fun and they make me happy. I am making a bristol board today for a 6 week plan (until I go to school). Each day will have little goals like eating fruits and veggies that day or drinking lots of water, or going for a walk. And if I accomplish each goal then a sticker just might appear for that day. I think this will really help and I am glad that K has agreed to be my meeting leader! I have been overweight for a couple years now yet I never really let it take over my life, but lately it has been. I have developed social anxiety over it and when friends from home want to see me, I make up excuses and do not go because I do not want them to see me. I am also extremely nervous about school because I will not want to go out with people because I do not have clothes that fit or that are in style and am ashamed and will judge myself beside the pretty skinny girls that I will be living with. This is sad. I never used to be like this. I was always the first person to want to go out and have fun and dress up and now I am this cowering person who wears fat jeans and a black t shirt everyday. This is not acceptable. The people that know me best know me as a fun, out going, talkative person and that is not who I am anymore, and I miss the old Lauren!!! I will bring her back, new and improved.

I will leave you all with a picture of how I look taken a couple weeks ago and am hoping to start doing progress pictures, they are so motivating when I see them on other peoples blogs. So this was taken at my grandparents birthday and this is definitely the biggest I have ever been. I miss my old face, my old body and my old spunk!!

Since today is the first day of the new plan here is my starting weight and some other measurements and I will update them every Thursday.
Starting weight: 193
Shirt size: extra large
Pant size: 16

I am the one with the white sweater!