Saturday, October 16, 2010

I am Finally Back, and with a Serious Problem

Hello blog friends (if I still have any)
I have been the worst blogger ever, and I am sorry for that! But I have decided to start blogging again since I miss all of you and I am also having quite a problem and always felt that I could safely tell my problems on this blog and know that no one would judge me. But first, where have I been you ask? Well I have been back at school!

Towards the end of the summer I stopped blogging because I was just so nervous and pre occupied with going away to school. I am now 5 hours away from my boyfriend, my cats, my family and my friends. It is hard since K and I have been living together for a year and a half so it was hard to come here and I miss him a lot. I also miss my family tons, and going home for Thanksgiving for only 2 days was not enough at all, needless to say I cannot wait until Christmas. I have made some amazing friends here though, and I can definitely say I will be friends with 3 of them after this for the rest of my life! Especially one friend Nick, he and I became instead best friends I have never had that happen to me, to meet someone and become instantly close but with him it was super easy, and it is nice to have a great guy friend again as a lot of mine from high school have really changed a lot in a negative way. I am living in residence again which is extremely hard since I have not lived in residence in 7 years. I have my own room which is nice (even though it is the smallest room I have ever seen lol) but the thing I hate is sharing a bathroom with 11 other people guys and girls and a kitchen which people keep disgusting so I never ever cook in there. It also sucks because at this teachers college every other month you are teaching in a school, and you could choose your home city to teach in (but mine was not an option) so I am stuck here with 3 other people on my floor who I am not close with and all the people I am close with left to go home for this month. So I am the outcast on this floor which does not help since I just stay in my room all the time. They are drinkers and party-ers and I am not, so it is hard but I just keep to myself and stay in my room. But it is hard to hear them laughing and having fun and I miss the people who I laugh with.

Teaching has been going well, a definite struggle but well! Normally a classroom will have between 0 and 2 kids with a learning or behavioural disability in it, my class has 10! So that has been a definite struggle. Also a couple of my kids who are in grade 5/6 split class are at a Kindergarten to grade 2 level so it is sad, as many of them come from horrible backgrounds and have experienced things I would wish upon no one, especially not a 9 or 10 year old. But I am loving them and I love my mentor teacher as well, she is great!

I am sure there is a lot more to catch you all up on, but the problem I have been having has been taking over and is all that is on my mind. I have developed an eating disorder. I cannot believe I just told you all that, but I have to for my own sanity. I used to think that eating disorders were only anorexia or bulimia but I have grown to find out that is not the case. There are many different types. And I can confidently say that I have a problem with food. I am obsessed, and it is a voice in my head that isn't even me, it does not sound like me, in my opinion it is evil. I wake up thinking about it, go to bed thinking about it, weigh myself constantly, hate what I see in the mirror, go all day without eating and then binge, and I have overwhelming thoughts of purging (throwing up), I have even gone in the bathroom and been so close but did not do it, and the sad thing is the reason I have not done it is not because I know it is wrong, but because I just hate throwing up. I always used to blame my food problems on being depressed or eating because I am bored, but I know that is not the case. Because I am not depressed here, I like school, I like teaching, I have friends here. I now know I have a real problem, and that scares me. I called to make a counselling appointment through my university because it is free. But the first appointment open is November 25th which I almost cried when I found this out, and I know that people know it is free so they go for no good reason. But there are people with real problems out there and we need help. I do not know how I will make it through a month. This problem is overwhelming, it is running my life. I have been looking for other free counselling places but the only place is the sexual assault centre which I am thinking of going to as well because of what happened to me in high school. Could these 2 things be related? I am not sure. But maybe it is time I find out.


  1. Lauren! It's so great to see you back. I'm glad things are going well generally at school. Your teaching class sounds really challenging. I'm really impressed. I wouldn't be able to do it.

    I am concerned about your eating issues. You may be right, what happened in high school may very well be related to your eating issues.

    My sister had been going through a similar situation, in that she had a voice in her head telling her to eat. I was a compulsive eater. I could never eat just 1 or 2 of something ... if I got started I couldn't stop. Food was such a big part of me. I'm not sure what happened ... I never used to be like that. But once it starts, it's really hard to stop.

    Might I suggest throwing out the scale? If you want someone to talk to, please email me. I suspect we're not far from each other. I am concerned and if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.

    In the meantime, please take care of yourself. And I hope you find someone you can talk to.

    Hugs, Sandy

  2. Hi Lauren, I'm Sandy's husband. She read some of this post to me tonight and I was compelled to ask her to forward the link.

    I have a great interest in Psychology, although I'm not a professional therapist or counsellor. But at the risk of sounding like an armchair psychologist I'll give you my opinion.

    This disorder stems from something underlying, an intangible that you haven't put your finger on yet. It could as you say result from the incident you refer to in high school, which was obviously traumatic.

    Even if it's something you haven't consciously thought of lately, an event such as this can manifest itself in different ways years later. I've talked with many women and girls over the past year who have dealt and are still dealing with unresolved issues in their own way.

    But I believe it's probably more attributable to your current situation.

    At the core of the binge and purge cycle in bulimia nervosa is self-esteem, accepting self-worth and dealing with stress. There are a lot of things at play here that (I think) may be factors: stress, loneliness, change. Are you feeling there are many things beyond your control? Each taken on its own can be dealt with more readily, but as a whole it could be taking more of a toll on you than you realize.

    Anyway I've rambled. I'm not qualified to offer advice but I do wish you well in getting this under control. Sandy's a terrific listener, believe me. I know she'd love to hear from you. And if you care to drop me a line I'd be happy to talk with you.


  3. Lauren,

    Good to hear from you but I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I might try calling them back and insisting on an earlier appointment because of the seriousness of the problem. They should easily be able to put you on a cancellation list and something like this should never wait for too long.

    Keep on posting and we'll give you all the support we can.

    missed you, girl!