Sunday, July 25, 2010

Progress This Week

Hello Friends
So I started my new regime this week! K and I had our first meeting on Thursday and I set my goals, 1 goal for each day and then 4 goals for the week therefore 11 goals for the whole week. I weighed in for the first time and weight in at 193. I am such a little kid that if I complete my goal K gives me a sticker and it gets me all excited!! Because I made a bright pink bristol board with all my goals by the days of the week so if I complete my goal for that day then K puts a sticker on the day, YAY.

So here are my goals for this week:
Thursday the 22: weigh in a set goals for the week COMPLETE
Friday the 23: Drink 3 of my stainless steel bottles of water (30 ounces each) COMPLETE
Saturday the 24: 5 servings of fruit/veggies COMPLETE
Sunday the 25: go for 5K walk COMPLETE
Monday the 26: Drink 4 of my stainless steel bottles of water (30 ounces each)
Tuesday the 27: do a wii workout
Wednesday the 28: try a new workout and eat 5 servings fruit/veggies

WEEKLY GOALS: 3 workouts, no chips (FAIL had them once), weigh between 190-191 on Thursday the 29th), and only have 1 serving of pizza (2 slices)

So I have completed my first 4 days YAY and 3 to go!!
I will definitely update with my weight loss on Thursday (hopefully a loss) and my goals for next week!
I did my 5K today and woo, it was hard for sure since I have no worked out or gone for a walk in forever so that is a long walk for sure. But I did it!!
Good day friends!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Midnight Chips

Ok well this is something I would love to hide from the world. But tonight at 11:30 I got in my car, drove to the store and bought chips.
I proceeded to eat the chips.
For about a minute I was mad at myself and then I thought. Maybe I needed this... because you know why? They really did not taste all that great. I did not really enjoy them.
Is being overweight worth the taste of these chips?
Maybe a mini bag every once in awhile...
But not how I have been eating them.
One of my goals this week was no chips, so yes I have failed
But I also have 10 other goals for this week
So if I meet 10 and fail 1, should I beat myself up? HELL NO!
Wake up call?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Versatile Blogger Award

Trisha over at has nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award. Thanks Trisha! So here are the rules of the award.

1. Thank the person who gave you the award. Thank you Trisha! I appreciate it ::)

2. Share seven things about yourself. 7 things about me. HMM OK I will put them at the end of this blog.

3. Nominate fifteen newly discovered blogs. 15 hmm, well I do not think I have 15 newly discovered but I will also name some of my faves that I wish other people would subscribe to.

4. Let your nominees know about the award. OH BOY thats a challenge in itself.

OK 7 things about myself

1) I was named after Lauren Bacall, shes an actress who my dad absolutely loved. She was married to Humphrey Bogart who was called Bogie. Now when I was 2 I went downstairs in my grandparents basement, walked up to my grandpa and said "you are skeedy and I am bogie". Now at 2 I clearly did not know I was named after Lauren Bacall and that her husbands name was Bogie. Creepy? I think so!

2) I love old people, they are so cute and when I see a really cute one I get a tear in my eye!

3) If I could adopt every cat from every humane society I would!

4) I am a reality TV fanatic, I watch the most horrible reality shows ever and am not ashamed to admit it.

5) I once shaved my head in grade 7. I took a picture of Matt Damon into the hairdresser and said "cut my hair like this", needless to say I regretted it!

6) I swallowed one of my retainers in my sleep once! Now my bottom teeth are crooked again.

7) When I was younger my mom used to give me so many carrots at dinner, so I would sneak them into my pockets take them to my room and put them in a suit case. My mom found them years later, they were black liquid.

OK 15 people

allison at
alison at
sandra at
Miss Chunky Chick at
Mrs S at
Slim Girl at
Whitney at
Keelie at
Sarah at
Mama Laughlin at
Googie at
Beth at
Lisa at
Erin at
Buzzy and Breezeys mom at

I avidly read all these blogs and love them, hope you all will too!

How Bad Do You Really Want It?

Hello friends
This is a question that K asked me last night at dinner. This was because I had to get my student card picture taken for school and when I looked at it my face just looked so round and my chin blends in with the fat and I have no definition in my face. This made me sad. I used to LOVE pictures of myself and would always be ready to smile for a photo. Now I avoid cameras like the plague and hate how I look in photos. I always feel like pictures do not reflect what I actually look like, but the sad thing is, of course they do!! They are reflections of reality, and reality slapped me square in my round face yesterday. SO what am I doing about it you ask? Well I have said over and over how I am going to lose weight and change yet I never do it. So K asked me last night, how bad do I really want it, how much effort am I willing to put in? And this really hit me. I mean I was glad he asked me these questions because it forced me to think about it. And I think I am ready to put in a steady effort, I know I cannot just wake up and be a completely changed person but I am going to actually put something from my head to paper which I have not done before. So here is the plan.

Since I cannot afford weight watchers anymore K has agreed to have weekly meetings at home with me. I will weigh in every Thursday in front of him and he will write down my weight and then we will chat about my weekly goals and what I am going to commit to for that week. And hopefully he will give me some stickers if I do good lol. I am such a child ha ha but stickers are fun and they make me happy. I am making a bristol board today for a 6 week plan (until I go to school). Each day will have little goals like eating fruits and veggies that day or drinking lots of water, or going for a walk. And if I accomplish each goal then a sticker just might appear for that day. I think this will really help and I am glad that K has agreed to be my meeting leader! I have been overweight for a couple years now yet I never really let it take over my life, but lately it has been. I have developed social anxiety over it and when friends from home want to see me, I make up excuses and do not go because I do not want them to see me. I am also extremely nervous about school because I will not want to go out with people because I do not have clothes that fit or that are in style and am ashamed and will judge myself beside the pretty skinny girls that I will be living with. This is sad. I never used to be like this. I was always the first person to want to go out and have fun and dress up and now I am this cowering person who wears fat jeans and a black t shirt everyday. This is not acceptable. The people that know me best know me as a fun, out going, talkative person and that is not who I am anymore, and I miss the old Lauren!!! I will bring her back, new and improved.

I will leave you all with a picture of how I look taken a couple weeks ago and am hoping to start doing progress pictures, they are so motivating when I see them on other peoples blogs. So this was taken at my grandparents birthday and this is definitely the biggest I have ever been. I miss my old face, my old body and my old spunk!!

Since today is the first day of the new plan here is my starting weight and some other measurements and I will update them every Thursday.
Starting weight: 193
Shirt size: extra large
Pant size: 16

I am the one with the white sweater!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My Rock Bottom?

Well I am not sure where to start and I apologize in advance if this seems like a big jumbled mess, because basically I am just writing what is in my head without really caring about how it sounds. SO as you can see from my title, I feel like I have finally hit a rock bottom when it comes to weight loss. Sure I have had AHA moments and moments of clarity about WHY I do certain things, like emotional eating, or eating while bored, or even why I join Weight Watchers (which is usually just so I feel like I am actually doing something about my weight, yet never fully follow the program). So I always have these moments of realizing what I do wrong yet I never hit that rock bottom point where I am like "wow this is depressing, I really need to lose weight". I have days where I think I look fine so I just go on eating bad things or not working out, but today I had my actual rock bottom moment.

K was out all day so I thought hey I will go to the mall and do some shopping for Florida and get some shorts or capris and I desperately need a pair of nice dark jeans because right now I have one "fat" pair that are ugly but I have to wear them everyday because thats all that fits me. So I went to the mall, first store the biggest size did not fit, next store I took about 10 items into the fitting room and a guy put me in a room and was talking to me and such. So I went in and was trying on jeans, the largest size in the store I could not pull up barely past my knees. So the guy asked "do you want another size?" and I had to shout "no thanks the biggest size in the store does not fit" UGH. I left the mall empty handed.

As I was walking out of the mall I just thought THIS IS IT. THIS IS MY ROCK BOTTOM. I got to the point where I am too big for the clothes in all the stores I used to shop in and even some other ones that I have tried. All these store stop at size 14 or 16 and I no longer can wear any of them. I felt ostracized, embarrassed, ashamed and guilty and just wanted to cry. I see women who are bigger than me who look beautiful and have clothes that look great on them, where do they shop? Because I have not been able to dress this body successfully. Sometimes I wonder if maybe these women are just bigger women and have been all their lives. Everyone is born with a certain body type and frame. I am originally tall and very lanky and skinny, always have been. So underneath I have these small bones and skinny frame but with a lot of fat placed in certain places, it makes for a very difficult task of finding clothes. I know I am not meant to look like this. This weekend I went home for a big family party and the pictures upset me, and my cousin who is 12 fit into my old prom dress, which I wore at 19 years old. So when I was 19, I was the same size as a 12 year old. This was depressing that only 6 years ago I was that skinny. I mean do not get me wrong I do not want to go back to my very skinny days where I looked like I did not eat (which I did by the way) but I would love to be a size 10, something that I can find at stores and fit into.

This is turning into me rambling, but I am just so done with being overweight. I really am. I know people say "tomorrow is a new day" but honestly if its not, then I will live for years and years like this. It will never change, and I will only get bigger and more depressed over it. I do not want to go to school like this, with zero self confidence. I do not want to go and feel like I am the biggest one on my residence floor or not having clothes to go out in and have fun. I wear crappy jeans and a black t shirt every day because thats all I have that fits and that I am comfortable in.

I have had moments where I thought "I do not want to be like this anymore" but today I had a "I CANNOT BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE"
I just cannot, it is not doing anything but harm to my health, my self esteem, my confidence and my happiness.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Well I am mad at myself. I am back up to the weight I started at, 193.
I hope that this feeling of utter shame and guilt really helps me to get on this shit for real.
Sorry for the sullen post, but I am just feeling so bad about it. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just do it?

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Scale is Not the right direction

Hello all,
I hope some of you are still following and reading my blog, again I apologize for being such a bad blogger and follower. But I am determined to keep up with the blog. I am getting discouraged. I have been trying weight watchers, trying working out 4 times a week, trying not eating as much, trying pretty much everything I can think of and the scale just does not move. So then after a few weeks of trying these things I think well obviously nothing is going to work so then I just revert back to eating horribly and not working out. Because the weeks that I work out and eat great I do not lose and the weeks that I eat bad and do not work out I stay the same, so sometimes I wonder what is the point then? If anyone has any words of advice I will gladly take them. UGH

On the Harry Potter front, I was a full blown addict. I read all 7 books in the matter of a couple months. I just finished book 7 (the last one) this afternoon, it was both sad and happy in the end. I really loved these books and wish I could just start reading them again. Hopefully in a couple of years I will have forgotten everything and can read them again, but I doubt it because I have such a good memory. But I hope when I am a teacher that I will have a Harry Potter unit and read the books with my class and test them on it and such!

Sorry not much to post today, just kind of feeling down about myself AGAIN. UGH. I hope everyone out there is having a great week.