Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My Rock Bottom?

Well I am not sure where to start and I apologize in advance if this seems like a big jumbled mess, because basically I am just writing what is in my head without really caring about how it sounds. SO as you can see from my title, I feel like I have finally hit a rock bottom when it comes to weight loss. Sure I have had AHA moments and moments of clarity about WHY I do certain things, like emotional eating, or eating while bored, or even why I join Weight Watchers (which is usually just so I feel like I am actually doing something about my weight, yet never fully follow the program). So I always have these moments of realizing what I do wrong yet I never hit that rock bottom point where I am like "wow this is depressing, I really need to lose weight". I have days where I think I look fine so I just go on eating bad things or not working out, but today I had my actual rock bottom moment.

K was out all day so I thought hey I will go to the mall and do some shopping for Florida and get some shorts or capris and I desperately need a pair of nice dark jeans because right now I have one "fat" pair that are ugly but I have to wear them everyday because thats all that fits me. So I went to the mall, first store the biggest size did not fit, next store I took about 10 items into the fitting room and a guy put me in a room and was talking to me and such. So I went in and was trying on jeans, the largest size in the store I could not pull up barely past my knees. So the guy asked "do you want another size?" and I had to shout "no thanks the biggest size in the store does not fit" UGH. I left the mall empty handed.

As I was walking out of the mall I just thought THIS IS IT. THIS IS MY ROCK BOTTOM. I got to the point where I am too big for the clothes in all the stores I used to shop in and even some other ones that I have tried. All these store stop at size 14 or 16 and I no longer can wear any of them. I felt ostracized, embarrassed, ashamed and guilty and just wanted to cry. I see women who are bigger than me who look beautiful and have clothes that look great on them, where do they shop? Because I have not been able to dress this body successfully. Sometimes I wonder if maybe these women are just bigger women and have been all their lives. Everyone is born with a certain body type and frame. I am originally tall and very lanky and skinny, always have been. So underneath I have these small bones and skinny frame but with a lot of fat placed in certain places, it makes for a very difficult task of finding clothes. I know I am not meant to look like this. This weekend I went home for a big family party and the pictures upset me, and my cousin who is 12 fit into my old prom dress, which I wore at 19 years old. So when I was 19, I was the same size as a 12 year old. This was depressing that only 6 years ago I was that skinny. I mean do not get me wrong I do not want to go back to my very skinny days where I looked like I did not eat (which I did by the way) but I would love to be a size 10, something that I can find at stores and fit into.

This is turning into me rambling, but I am just so done with being overweight. I really am. I know people say "tomorrow is a new day" but honestly if its not, then I will live for years and years like this. It will never change, and I will only get bigger and more depressed over it. I do not want to go to school like this, with zero self confidence. I do not want to go and feel like I am the biggest one on my residence floor or not having clothes to go out in and have fun. I wear crappy jeans and a black t shirt every day because thats all I have that fits and that I am comfortable in.

I have had moments where I thought "I do not want to be like this anymore" but today I had a "I CANNOT BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE"
I just cannot, it is not doing anything but harm to my health, my self esteem, my confidence and my happiness.


  1. I'm so sorry your in this depressing place right now! I know the feeling because I have been there and not that long ago. The beginning is the hardest and what worked for me was finding something I enjoyed doing and sticking with it. I joined a bootcamp and LOVE IT. I like to workout now and it's helped me make healthier choices when eating too. I did WW for a while, but honestly it's just SUCH A SLOW weight loss I was more frustrated than motivated. Jenny craig is awesome for a while but it helped my lose 40 pounds quickly and motivated me to keep going even after I was tired of their food. Start out small, maybe stop eating out and then move on to portion control. Don't try to be 'diet perfect' it doesn't exist! :) Hope things get better for you!!

  2. OMG shopping is sooo hard! Lane Byrant is GREAT! granted some things are totally Mumus but they have great jeans. If you know the things that look great on you, you can always go online and find stuff. Like I like a lot of stuff from the GAP but in the stores everything is small so I order online.

    Also Clothes shopping is totally one of those rock bottom places. I've gone home and cried after shopping trips! Know you are on the right track and have the willpower to make the right choices. Check out plus size shops cuz once you have great clothes your confidence will soar!

  3. Lauren, good to hear from you. Sorry to read that you are in a right place right now. Rambling, oh ramble on as long as you want. Get it out, come to understand just everything you are feeling. I can read fast, so write write write my friend. Then, in your next post or the one after, ramble in a different direction. Ramble on about what you want, how you think you can get it, what you have to stop to get it, what help you need and from who to get it. Even if you have done similar before, get your feelings out, then wipe the slate clean and ramble forward a step or two.

    Keep talking to us, please. We'll do all we can to move forward with you.

  4. Oh girl, I have been there! I agree with Madison's Mommy - start off slow. I was so overwhelmed when I started my weight loss journey. I kept thinking, "how the heck did I let myself get here?!" I joined bootcamp with my sis in law and this MADE me be accountable. I HAD to work out 3 days a week and HAD to weigh in every single week. This is what kick started my weight loss. I lost 25 lbs in less than 4 months.

    You just have to get to the point where you say enough is enough. There is no "trying" in losing weight - you either do what you need to do, or you don't. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle, but now that I am in the 170's I just feel so much better about myself (I started at 227 lbs). Obviously, I still have weight to lose, but realizing how good I felt after I lost that first 25 lbs, it made me want to lose another 25 lbs ASAP, and so on. Hang in there and just do your best.

    Once you get into a routine, things will go much easier for you. As much as I hate working out, I make myself do it at least 3 times a week, no matter what. And more often than not, I find myself going 4 or 5 times. I keep finding new goal for myself. I just signed up for my first 5K and right now, that is the goal I am working towards.

  5. I feel like we're in the same boat right now. IT's funny how a lot fo the time I feel like no one gets what I'm going through and then I come on her and realize that there are people that are going through the EXACT same thing sa me.

    I hear you loud and clear - all my clothes are tight, I can only wear my fat clothes - my normal clothes are in a box under my bed.

    Let's do this :)

  6. Hi! You have been nominated for Versatile Blogger! Please come visit to find out the rules.

  7. I just started following your blog. I understand how you feel though I am over a decade older than you and about 80 lbs more than you are now.