Thursday, July 22, 2010

How Bad Do You Really Want It?

Hello friends
This is a question that K asked me last night at dinner. This was because I had to get my student card picture taken for school and when I looked at it my face just looked so round and my chin blends in with the fat and I have no definition in my face. This made me sad. I used to LOVE pictures of myself and would always be ready to smile for a photo. Now I avoid cameras like the plague and hate how I look in photos. I always feel like pictures do not reflect what I actually look like, but the sad thing is, of course they do!! They are reflections of reality, and reality slapped me square in my round face yesterday. SO what am I doing about it you ask? Well I have said over and over how I am going to lose weight and change yet I never do it. So K asked me last night, how bad do I really want it, how much effort am I willing to put in? And this really hit me. I mean I was glad he asked me these questions because it forced me to think about it. And I think I am ready to put in a steady effort, I know I cannot just wake up and be a completely changed person but I am going to actually put something from my head to paper which I have not done before. So here is the plan.

Since I cannot afford weight watchers anymore K has agreed to have weekly meetings at home with me. I will weigh in every Thursday in front of him and he will write down my weight and then we will chat about my weekly goals and what I am going to commit to for that week. And hopefully he will give me some stickers if I do good lol. I am such a child ha ha but stickers are fun and they make me happy. I am making a bristol board today for a 6 week plan (until I go to school). Each day will have little goals like eating fruits and veggies that day or drinking lots of water, or going for a walk. And if I accomplish each goal then a sticker just might appear for that day. I think this will really help and I am glad that K has agreed to be my meeting leader! I have been overweight for a couple years now yet I never really let it take over my life, but lately it has been. I have developed social anxiety over it and when friends from home want to see me, I make up excuses and do not go because I do not want them to see me. I am also extremely nervous about school because I will not want to go out with people because I do not have clothes that fit or that are in style and am ashamed and will judge myself beside the pretty skinny girls that I will be living with. This is sad. I never used to be like this. I was always the first person to want to go out and have fun and dress up and now I am this cowering person who wears fat jeans and a black t shirt everyday. This is not acceptable. The people that know me best know me as a fun, out going, talkative person and that is not who I am anymore, and I miss the old Lauren!!! I will bring her back, new and improved.

I will leave you all with a picture of how I look taken a couple weeks ago and am hoping to start doing progress pictures, they are so motivating when I see them on other peoples blogs. So this was taken at my grandparents birthday and this is definitely the biggest I have ever been. I miss my old face, my old body and my old spunk!!

Since today is the first day of the new plan here is my starting weight and some other measurements and I will update them every Thursday.
Starting weight: 193
Shirt size: extra large
Pant size: 16

I am the one with the white sweater!


  1. Oh my gosh, I cannot even tell you how much I identify with everything in this post! I am a photographer, yet I practically have NO pictures of me for the last 6 years! I usually freak out about meeting new people and especially don't want to see anyone from my past. I even get anxiety about going around my family! It's ridiculous! I've finally joined the gym - I can't let this overweight belly continue to control my life! Good luck with everything!

  2. sounds like a great plan girly! I know you can do it!

  3. Lauren, you have just described what I was going through. I could have written that post. Isn't it reassuring that other people have been through the same thing and felt the same? It's sad in a way, but it's also good because you don't have to feel totally alone.
    The plan sounds like a fabulous one and I'm looking forward to seeing your in progress shots.
    And even if you don't think so ... I think you're still beautiful and I know you'll get back to your "old" self .. just as long as you do it in a healthy way and it sounds like you're on the right track.

    Way to go girl!

  4. I think this is a great idea! It def. helps to have someone other than yourself holding you accountable.

  5. I stumbled upon your blog when I decided to start my weight loss journey into the blog world... I couldn't agree more about the photos! I am the SAME way! I avoid the camera at all costs, which is ironic because I'm a photographer!

    Good Luck with your journey! That's awesome that K is so supportive of you.