So Why Am I Like This?

So today went alright. I woke up not feeling too well today but I made sure I did not eat the way I normally would when I feel this way. Last night after I wrote my first blog I laid in bed and just thought a lot as to why I am the way I am, so this blog may be a bit dark and sad but its all things that need to be said out loud for me to continue on this journey. I think its really important to point out WHY we have turned out the way we have and WHY we do or in my case DONT do certain things in our lives.
There are numerous reasons and situations that have contributed to my eating getting completely out of control. I was sexually assaulted by one of my high school boyfriends when i was in the 11th grade. Therefore every bit of love for myself I had went with him and I lost a piece of me that I never got back. I confided in a few friends and no one believed me as this guy had a good reputation at my school and put on a very "all around nice guy, good student" front and ofcourse denied any accusations on my part. I decided not to press charges or tell anyone other than a few close friends because I was scared. I did not think anyone would believe me and I also did not want to ruin his life the way he ruined mine (which part of me has regretted all these years). Food at this point became the greatest friend I had ever met. It did not talk back to me, it did not say I was lying, it just gave me some minimal satisfaction and this is when I started sitting in my room and hiding my eating habits. My whole personality changed after this and this is when I had my first meeting with depression. It is sad when you are going through something like that and no one believes you, and people can be so cruel and high school became a total nightmare and place where I was made to feel like a total liar and many a rumour was spread about me after that, by him and his friends.
This was the starting event for me, since then I have dated many of the wrong guys and been treated poorly. I have been cheated on, abused, left in the middle of the night and so on...this is not meant to be a pity party just the truth. I feel like I dated these people because I just wanted the attention I felt like I had been so beaten down by the assault that I should take whatever male attention came my way. When in all these scenarios I let these guys walk all over me, I wanted them back, I forgave them...horrible I know and I want to be stronger than that and I regret it.
Lately I have been dwelling on these situations and I have a once close girl friend who decided she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I did not do anything to deserve this whatsoever. I mean we all make mistakes right? I made a small mistake and apologized for it however she still completely ignores any contact I make with her. And what do I do? I beat myself up over this so much day in and day out. It is taking over my life!!!!! I need to get out and live my life and I am hoping by taking control of my weight and life that hopefully I will start to care less about these people who have turned their backs on me and to love myself more and really love life. I admire people who always have smiles on their faces and seem to love life so much and I have people like this on my facebook and I have to admit I am jealous when I look at their pages and wonder "COULD THIS EVER BE ME?". I sit here and tell myself I have no friends just because one girl has turned her back on me or a few exes have crazy girlfriends who have had me blocked from facebook. I do have friends however my best friends are all scattered across the country and province which makes me feel like I am alone without friends but deep down I know this is not true. So my friends I am hoping that by taking control over my weight I will gain happiness and self confidence and can move on from these issues and stop eating them.
So an update for today.
I ate some waffles for breakfast with some apple juice and had some chicken (white meat) and a small portion of potatoes and a bun for dinner with a diet coke. I definitely could have done better but it definitely could have been worse. So it is a start. My problem is that I do not eat enough throughout the day so my body holds on to fat. Goals for tomorrow: eat more and eat better, and exercise!
No chips No chicken wings No pizza and definitely NO eating with the blinds closed for me tomorrow!