Thursday, November 19, 2009

So Why Am I Like This?

So today went alright. I woke up not feeling too well today but I made sure I did not eat the way I normally would when I feel this way. Last night after I wrote my first blog I laid in bed and just thought a lot as to why I am the way I am, so this blog may be a bit dark and sad but its all things that need to be said out loud for me to continue on this journey. I think its really important to point out WHY we have turned out the way we have and WHY we do or in my case DONT do certain things in our lives.
There are numerous reasons and situations that have contributed to my eating getting completely out of control. I was sexually assaulted by one of my high school boyfriends when i was in the 11th grade. Therefore every bit of love for myself I had went with him and I lost a piece of me that I never got back. I confided in a few friends and no one believed me as this guy had a good reputation at my school and put on a very "all around nice guy, good student" front and ofcourse denied any accusations on my part. I decided not to press charges or tell anyone other than a few close friends because I was scared. I did not think anyone would believe me and I also did not want to ruin his life the way he ruined mine (which part of me has regretted all these years). Food at this point became the greatest friend I had ever met. It did not talk back to me, it did not say I was lying, it just gave me some minimal satisfaction and this is when I started sitting in my room and hiding my eating habits. My whole personality changed after this and this is when I had my first meeting with depression. It is sad when you are going through something like that and no one believes you, and people can be so cruel and high school became a total nightmare and place where I was made to feel like a total liar and many a rumour was spread about me after that, by him and his friends.
This was the starting event for me, since then I have dated many of the wrong guys and been treated poorly. I have been cheated on, abused, left in the middle of the night and so on...this is not meant to be a pity party just the truth. I feel like I dated these people because I just wanted the attention I felt like I had been so beaten down by the assault that I should take whatever male attention came my way. When in all these scenarios I let these guys walk all over me, I wanted them back, I forgave them...horrible I know and I want to be stronger than that and I regret it.
Lately I have been dwelling on these situations and I have a once close girl friend who decided she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I did not do anything to deserve this whatsoever. I mean we all make mistakes right? I made a small mistake and apologized for it however she still completely ignores any contact I make with her. And what do I do? I beat myself up over this so much day in and day out. It is taking over my life!!!!! I need to get out and live my life and I am hoping by taking control of my weight and life that hopefully I will start to care less about these people who have turned their backs on me and to love myself more and really love life. I admire people who always have smiles on their faces and seem to love life so much and I have people like this on my facebook and I have to admit I am jealous when I look at their pages and wonder "COULD THIS EVER BE ME?". I sit here and tell myself I have no friends just because one girl has turned her back on me or a few exes have crazy girlfriends who have had me blocked from facebook. I do have friends however my best friends are all scattered across the country and province which makes me feel like I am alone without friends but deep down I know this is not true. So my friends I am hoping that by taking control over my weight I will gain happiness and self confidence and can move on from these issues and stop eating them.
So an update for today.
I ate some waffles for breakfast with some apple juice and had some chicken (white meat) and a small portion of potatoes and a bun for dinner with a diet coke. I definitely could have done better but it definitely could have been worse. So it is a start. My problem is that I do not eat enough throughout the day so my body holds on to fat. Goals for tomorrow: eat more and eat better, and exercise!
No chips No chicken wings No pizza and definitely NO eating with the blinds closed for me tomorrow!


  1. Wow! I just ready all of your posts so far and I can SO relate to you! At my heaviest I was 194.5lbs. I joined the gym called Curves and got down to 182.2 before joining Weight Watchers. I'm now down to 160lbs and working on getting to my goal weight.

    My friends are scattered throughout the country, but my closest friends are scattered throughout a big city. Even though we are probably an hour away from each other, our schedules conflict so much that I don't get to see everyone when I want. It's depressing, but my 2 cats and boyfriend make it better. Or at least sometimes they do. Because admitting you like to hang out with your 2 cats more than people can be depressing sometimes. :)

    Food addiction totally exists. I crave food all the time and think about what I'm going to eat most of the day. The other day after work I started craving a chicken sandwich from a fast food place and I was literally salivating. I would have been drooling if I wasn't swallowing so much! It's crazy.

    You should start going to WW meetings. I have made a few friends at my meeting and even though I just spend 45 minutes with them a week, they encourage me SO much. You do need to start eating more during the day, but I have the same problem. I get busy at work and forget to eat or don't eat all day. When I finally eat it's something bad and there goes the whole diet plan out the window.

    I've been doing simple things at the gym: elliptical, classes offered, ab work on the mat they have, and a few pieces of equipment I know how to use. You can ask a staff member to show you how to use a few pieces of equipment if you need it. My gym has a 15 minute ab class that kicks my abs all the time. I stole a few of those moves and now do them in my own time.

    I will definitely read your blog and see how you are doing. If you need anything or just want to chat, I'm here (or at least available online).

    I better go before I clog up your comment section! Hope you have a good Friday!

  2. You need to deal with the assault. Find your local rape crisis center, they will DEFINITELY help you AND believe you! (I am currently a volunteer at my local one and I cannot believe the amount of love these volunteers and staff members have for their survivors) Its shitty that no one believed you and Im sorry about that. I just think youre gonna battle the bulge until you deal with whats really driving you to eat.

    Like you said, you didnt ruin this guys life. Dont give him any more power to ruin yours. Nobody ever deserves to be assaulted or raped.

  3. Heather- thanks for the comment i always appreciate any sort of tips or anything i can get because i feel very gym illiterate lol so i will definitely take your pointers!
    i am definitely going to go back to weight watchers and really make it work this time. i have to!
    i love what you said about your boyfriend and 2 cats keep you company. no its soo true i have 2 cats to and they are currently both laying with me keeping me company. its amazing what pets can do for us even though they cannot speak to us. well not in English anyways!
    Oh and i SO relate to your salivating i am the same way like i start thinking about chips and i am literally thinking about them non stop and drooling until i eat them. i need to learn to beat that thats for sure!! I'm so glad to hear i am not the only one who does this! makes me feel a lot better. and it also makes me feel good to know that i am not the only one who's friends are all over the place... its hard thats for sure but i need to start appreciating the fact that i do have my boyfriend and kitties! i look forward to further posts and comments from you!!

    Monica- today i found out where my local sexual assault centre was and i am thinking about going! i have never gone before so it would be a definite step!