Wednesday, November 25, 2009


So my friends today was not the greatest day for me. I am not happy with myself today at all. I had a very bad night last night and I have let it effect me today. Last night my boyfriend and I got into such a big fight and I was so emotional and crying and upset which led me to not get up and go to the gym this morning, all I have eaten today is chips and some crescent rolls and I just feel horrible about it now. I love my boyfriend and he loves me and we have already worked things out which we always so, I am just upset with myself right now that I ate so badly today since I have been doing so well. This just shows that food really is a comfort for me, I was upset so I turned to bad food, the food I always turn to when I am heartbroken, sad, upset, frustrated, bored and depressed. Ugh. I just feel like I cannot do this. I am sitting here watching The Biggest Loser and seeing these peoples transformations I am just like wow I want that to be me but what am I doing? Sitting on the couch doing nothing about it. I can relate to what they are saying, about sitting on the couch being miserable, hating my appearance, not being happy with any part of my life which I am sure is a big factor of the fights I have been having with my boyfriend. It is sad because after I was assaulted I have dated cheaters and liars and jerks and been so attached to them but my boyfriend now is none of those things yet I am pushing him away. I mean of course he is not 100% innocent in our arguments that is for sure but I feel like my unhappiness is definitely contributing to them. I just have this mentality of "Why bother losing weight if everything else in my life sucks" but I have this mindset that is ridiculous and I bet if I lost the weight and committed to changing that I know everything else in my life will turn out so much better.
I am just sick of hiding from life, I am hiding here in my apartment not feeling worthy of even going out there and being with people. I see the workouts and challenges the people on the show are doing and I think " I cannot do that, I do not have Gillian or Bob screaming at me and telling me what to do therefore I cannot do it" excuses?? I just feel like I cannot do this...ugh...
In other news my kitty Estelle is getting fixed tomorrow but she has a serious heart problem which is very serious to have her put under for surgery. So I am very nervous about this and I will be devastated if something happens to her... so everyone just keep little Estelle in your thoughts :)
Kind of an un-motivational posting but I am feeling discouraged and upset and just like I am destined for this life...AM I?? Is this what is meant for me?


  1. Hey girl!

    Don't feel so discouraged.. I know you can do this!! I believe in you! It can definitely be very easy to make excuses for ourselves tho.. I know.. I do it all the time. Just gotta realize when you are doing it and fight through it! I so know what you mean when you said "why bother losing weight if everything else in my life sucks" because sometimes I think that way to when so many other things aren't going the way I want them to its like well why even bother with anything else. But losing weight will make you feel so much better about yourself and make you want to do more and accomplish more because you know how great it feels! And things aren't so bad, you have a great boyfriend, a nice place to live, those darling little kitten children of yours lol and i have faith you will get into teachers college. And you know what, if not, then maybe its not meant to be and you can try the counselling or something else.
    You lost 3 pounds already too.. that is sweet! Imagine how much more you can lose once you get to the gym.... so get your ass to the gym girl!! haha
    love ya and I'm here cheering you on!!

  2. Girl I hear you on the fights. Relationships are so rewarded but DAMN they got their downs too!

    Anyway, don't beat yourself up about the eats and non-exercise. The main thing is you know it happened and move on. Make TODAY the day you make up for your mistakes.

    Hope you're feeling better by now! :)