Rock Bottom

Just a warning, this post will be jumbled, negative and descriptive of things you may not want to know about. If you want to read a cheery blog I am sorry but it will not be mine :( Not this time anyways. I normally hide and do not post when I am feeling this bad and some fellow bloggers encouraged me to write when I am feeling such as I am now so I am taking this advice.

I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. I DO NOT HATE WHO I AM INSIDE BUT I HATE WHAT I AM DOING TO MYSELF, I HATE WHAT I AM PUTTING IN MY BODY, I HATE THE MIND GAMES I PLAY WITH MYSELF ON A DAILY BASIS.

I join weight watchers I buy good food, I make sure I have all the tools available to lose weight and you know what? I do nothing about it. I was going to completely avoid telling what I had for dinner and I planned on hiding it from K (so much shame involved) but I know he reads this blog and now he knows, but you know what I joined WW on saturday and here I am on Monday eating a whole small pizza and garlic bread. My body rebelled ( I will not go into detail on that one) but literally 5 minutes after I was finished I was in the bathroom... not good. I actually sat there in the bathroom and out loud said "what the f**k are you doing to yourself Lauren?", I think I have hit rock bottom. I have never felt such shame towards myself. It is so ridiculous because I am always saying that I have all the tools to lose weight yet I do not do anything about it and that I know what I need to do but I do not do it but you know what? The truth is, I do not know what I need to do because I have never done it. I have to try something new, something completely out of my comfort zone and something I just do not know what to do to be successful because I never give myself a chance to. Fear of trying new things has pushed me down so much in the past and it is doing it again. It is controlling me.