Well hello all
Hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was alright, I got to go to my hometown and visit my family which was nice and had a good dinner out with my parents so I was happy about that. I also have not posted since Biggest Loser and it was a tear jerker, I love O Neal and Sunshine! And does anyone watch Survivor?? SUCH a good episode last week, I love Parvati I do not care how many people hate her but she is awesome and extremely smart!
Yesterday I ran a ton of errands and spent a little bit of money. My credit line is for school however there were some things I wanted and needed and have been putting off buying them. I feel so guilty when I buy things for myself and use my credit line so I never do. But these were things that will help along my weight loss journey so I am trying to not feel bad about this but I am having a hard time with it. This is what I did yesterday and bought. I went to Weight Watchers and signed up for 3 months, I feel I need the meetings and was happy I went, and the leader seems great. So I went there and spent money on that and then bought some weight watchers smoothies and snacks as well. I then went to No Frills and bought some yogurt, bananas and strawberries and then went and bought some new running shoes. The shoes I have hurt me the last time I walked and I knew that if I did not buy new ones I would not continue to work out. You will also notice that my weight now says 193.8 this is because when I weigh in at weight watchers I am fully clothed so I am just going to go by that weight. I do not think i will be 184 by my birthday so I am going to make my new goal OUT of the 190s by my 25th birthday.
So I bought Nike Max Fierce shoes, they are super nice and I love them but ofcourse they cost money too!! I wanted the Reebok Easy Tone but apparently they are strictly for walking but I would love to get a pair for work so that my feet do not kill when I get home (I stand all day). Does anyone have these shoes?? Do you like them??
I then bought the Slim in 6 workout system so I hope that works for me!! Does anyone out there who is trying to lose weight take supplements? I do not really want to other than maybe a multi vitamin but I was wondering if anyone takes them and which kind they take? I then went and bought 2 new cross stitch kits. I am finishing up one for K's mom and its taken me forever so I am looking forward to finishing it and starting a new one. The next one will be for my sister as a housewarming gift and then I bought one to make for me because I make them and give them away and this time I want one for me since I put so much work into them! I will post a picture of it when it is done!! So that is what I spent money on and as much as I am trying not to feel guilty I DO!!
So here is where the crazy head games come in. I sign up for weight watchers, I buy healthy food, I have the resources to work out... but I DON'T! I let food control me! I secretly eat, when I know my boyfriend is working afternoons I wake up thinking, "what can I eat while he is gone?" is this not horrible? I know I am not the only one who does this. It is because there is so much guilt and shame that goes along with it that I want to do it alone and dispose of the evidence so no one else knows. Why do I let food control my thoughts? I do not know. I do not know why I have not decided that I AM WORTH IT, I am worth not eating badly and being lazy but I do not feel worth it yet. I do not know how to make food and these thoughts stop controlling me. But I am trying. And also does anyone else do this? If I am eating well throughout the day and then I eat one bad thing, like today I ate a chocolate bar and then when I was thinking about making a healthy dinner I thought "I already ruined the day by eating that chocolate, so why bother making a healthy dinner" such crazy head games I play with myself. I guess I am stuck thinking in the FAT state of mind.
SIGH
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This is a hugely mental game which needs adjusting as you go, but know that it takes awhile and for me took a lot of successes to keep me motivated and to solidify the mental side. Sometimes you need to fake it until you make it which means telling yourself a lot of little lies and affirmations until you brain really starts to believe it.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are definitely aren't alone. When I was at my most unhealthy, I would come up with wild plans and rationalizations to eat food secretly. Also, it was easy to call a huge fast food cheeseburger a "sandwich" when reporting back to my wife what I had for lunch. I wasn't lying cuz the chains call them sandwiches, but it wasn't exactly being truthful either.