I am Finally Back, and with a Serious Problem

Hello blog friends (if I still have any)
I have been the worst blogger ever, and I am sorry for that! But I have decided to start blogging again since I miss all of you and I am also having quite a problem and always felt that I could safely tell my problems on this blog and know that no one would judge me. But first, where have I been you ask? Well I have been back at school!

Towards the end of the summer I stopped blogging because I was just so nervous and pre occupied with going away to school. I am now 5 hours away from my boyfriend, my cats, my family and my friends. It is hard since K and I have been living together for a year and a half so it was hard to come here and I miss him a lot. I also miss my family tons, and going home for Thanksgiving for only 2 days was not enough at all, needless to say I cannot wait until Christmas. I have made some amazing friends here though, and I can definitely say I will be friends with 3 of them after this for the rest of my life! Especially one friend Nick, he and I became instead best friends I have never had that happen to me, to meet someone and become instantly close but with him it was super easy, and it is nice to have a great guy friend again as a lot of mine from high school have really changed a lot in a negative way. I am living in residence again which is extremely hard since I have not lived in residence in 7 years. I have my own room which is nice (even though it is the smallest room I have ever seen lol) but the thing I hate is sharing a bathroom with 11 other people guys and girls and a kitchen which people keep disgusting so I never ever cook in there. It also sucks because at this teachers college every other month you are teaching in a school, and you could choose your home city to teach in (but mine was not an option) so I am stuck here with 3 other people on my floor who I am not close with and all the people I am close with left to go home for this month. So I am the outcast on this floor which does not help since I just stay in my room all the time. They are drinkers and party-ers and I am not, so it is hard but I just keep to myself and stay in my room. But it is hard to hear them laughing and having fun and I miss the people who I laugh with.

Teaching has been going well, a definite struggle but well! Normally a classroom will have between 0 and 2 kids with a learning or behavioural disability in it, my class has 10! So that has been a definite struggle. Also a couple of my kids who are in grade 5/6 split class are at a Kindergarten to grade 2 level so it is sad, as many of them come from horrible backgrounds and have experienced things I would wish upon no one, especially not a 9 or 10 year old. But I am loving them and I love my mentor teacher as well, she is great!

I am sure there is a lot more to catch you all up on, but the problem I have been having has been taking over and is all that is on my mind. I have developed an eating disorder. I cannot believe I just told you all that, but I have to for my own sanity. I used to think that eating disorders were only anorexia or bulimia but I have grown to find out that is not the case. There are many different types. And I can confidently say that I have a problem with food. I am obsessed, and it is a voice in my head that isn't even me, it does not sound like me, in my opinion it is evil. I wake up thinking about it, go to bed thinking about it, weigh myself constantly, hate what I see in the mirror, go all day without eating and then binge, and I have overwhelming thoughts of purging (throwing up), I have even gone in the bathroom and been so close but did not do it, and the sad thing is the reason I have not done it is not because I know it is wrong, but because I just hate throwing up. I always used to blame my food problems on being depressed or eating because I am bored, but I know that is not the case. Because I am not depressed here, I like school, I like teaching, I have friends here. I now know I have a real problem, and that scares me. I called to make a counselling appointment through my university because it is free. But the first appointment open is November 25th which I almost cried when I found this out, and I know that people know it is free so they go for no good reason. But there are people with real problems out there and we need help. I do not know how I will make it through a month. This problem is overwhelming, it is running my life. I have been looking for other free counselling places but the only place is the sexual assault centre which I am thinking of going to as well because of what happened to me in high school. Could these 2 things be related? I am not sure. But maybe it is time I find out.

Progress This Week

Hello Friends
So I started my new regime this week! K and I had our first meeting on Thursday and I set my goals, 1 goal for each day and then 4 goals for the week therefore 11 goals for the whole week. I weighed in for the first time and weight in at 193. I am such a little kid that if I complete my goal K gives me a sticker and it gets me all excited!! Because I made a bright pink bristol board with all my goals by the days of the week so if I complete my goal for that day then K puts a sticker on the day, YAY.

So here are my goals for this week:
Thursday the 22: weigh in a set goals for the week COMPLETE
Friday the 23: Drink 3 of my stainless steel bottles of water (30 ounces each) COMPLETE
Saturday the 24: 5 servings of fruit/veggies COMPLETE
Sunday the 25: go for 5K walk COMPLETE
Monday the 26: Drink 4 of my stainless steel bottles of water (30 ounces each)
Tuesday the 27: do a wii workout
Wednesday the 28: try a new workout and eat 5 servings fruit/veggies

WEEKLY GOALS: 3 workouts, no chips (FAIL had them once), weigh between 190-191 on Thursday the 29th), and only have 1 serving of pizza (2 slices)

So I have completed my first 4 days YAY and 3 to go!!
I will definitely update with my weight loss on Thursday (hopefully a loss) and my goals for next week!
I did my 5K today and woo, it was hard for sure since I have no worked out or gone for a walk in forever so that is a long walk for sure. But I did it!!
Good day friends!

Midnight Chips

Ok well this is something I would love to hide from the world. But tonight at 11:30 I got in my car, drove to the store and bought chips.
I proceeded to eat the chips.
For about a minute I was mad at myself and then I thought. Maybe I needed this... because you know why? They really did not taste all that great. I did not really enjoy them.
Is being overweight worth the taste of these chips?
Maybe a mini bag every once in awhile...
But not how I have been eating them.
One of my goals this week was no chips, so yes I have failed
But I also have 10 other goals for this week
So if I meet 10 and fail 1, should I beat myself up? HELL NO!
Wake up call?
I THINK SO

The Versatile Blogger Award

Trisha over at http://butterbuttchronicles.blogspot.com/ has nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award. Thanks Trisha! So here are the rules of the award.


1. Thank the person who gave you the award. Thank you Trisha! I appreciate it ::)

2. Share seven things about yourself. 7 things about me. HMM OK I will put them at the end of this blog.

3. Nominate fifteen newly discovered blogs. 15 hmm, well I do not think I have 15 newly discovered but I will also name some of my faves that I wish other people would subscribe to.

4. Let your nominees know about the award. OH BOY thats a challenge in itself.

OK 7 things about myself

1) I was named after Lauren Bacall, shes an actress who my dad absolutely loved. She was married to Humphrey Bogart who was called Bogie. Now when I was 2 I went downstairs in my grandparents basement, walked up to my grandpa and said "you are skeedy and I am bogie". Now at 2 I clearly did not know I was named after Lauren Bacall and that her husbands name was Bogie. Creepy? I think so!

2) I love old people, they are so cute and when I see a really cute one I get a tear in my eye!

3) If I could adopt every cat from every humane society I would!

4) I am a reality TV fanatic, I watch the most horrible reality shows ever and am not ashamed to admit it.

5) I once shaved my head in grade 7. I took a picture of Matt Damon into the hairdresser and said "cut my hair like this", needless to say I regretted it!

6) I swallowed one of my retainers in my sleep once! Now my bottom teeth are crooked again.

7) When I was younger my mom used to give me so many carrots at dinner, so I would sneak them into my pockets take them to my room and put them in a suit case. My mom found them years later, they were black liquid.

OK 15 people

allison at http://lovingmycomplicatedlife.blogspot.com/
alison at http://myjourneythroughtheterribletwenties.blogspot.com/
sandra at http://rightoutloudwriting.blogspot.com/
Miss Chunky Chick at http://chunkychickgetstiny.blogspot.com/
Mrs S at http://sweetsassysoutherland.blogspot.com/
Slim Girl at http://slimminggirlsworld.blogspot.com/
Whitney at http://www.slimmingdownforthegown.com/
Keelie at http://wearelosingitblog.blogspot.com/
Sarah at http://projectfive-oh.blogspot.com/
Mama Laughlin at http://the-laughlins.blogspot.com/
Googie at http://lgokey02.blogspot.com/
Beth at http://mcclintockb.blogspot.com/
Lisa at http://inweighovermyhead.blogspot.com/
Erin at http://glamglitzgut.blogspot.com/
Buzzy and Breezeys mom at http://thefatchickweigh.blogspot.com/

I avidly read all these blogs and love them, hope you all will too!

How Bad Do You Really Want It?

Hello friends
This is a question that K asked me last night at dinner. This was because I had to get my student card picture taken for school and when I looked at it my face just looked so round and my chin blends in with the fat and I have no definition in my face. This made me sad. I used to LOVE pictures of myself and would always be ready to smile for a photo. Now I avoid cameras like the plague and hate how I look in photos. I always feel like pictures do not reflect what I actually look like, but the sad thing is, of course they do!! They are reflections of reality, and reality slapped me square in my round face yesterday. SO what am I doing about it you ask? Well I have said over and over how I am going to lose weight and change yet I never do it. So K asked me last night, how bad do I really want it, how much effort am I willing to put in? And this really hit me. I mean I was glad he asked me these questions because it forced me to think about it. And I think I am ready to put in a steady effort, I know I cannot just wake up and be a completely changed person but I am going to actually put something from my head to paper which I have not done before. So here is the plan.

Since I cannot afford weight watchers anymore K has agreed to have weekly meetings at home with me. I will weigh in every Thursday in front of him and he will write down my weight and then we will chat about my weekly goals and what I am going to commit to for that week. And hopefully he will give me some stickers if I do good lol. I am such a child ha ha but stickers are fun and they make me happy. I am making a bristol board today for a 6 week plan (until I go to school). Each day will have little goals like eating fruits and veggies that day or drinking lots of water, or going for a walk. And if I accomplish each goal then a sticker just might appear for that day. I think this will really help and I am glad that K has agreed to be my meeting leader! I have been overweight for a couple years now yet I never really let it take over my life, but lately it has been. I have developed social anxiety over it and when friends from home want to see me, I make up excuses and do not go because I do not want them to see me. I am also extremely nervous about school because I will not want to go out with people because I do not have clothes that fit or that are in style and am ashamed and will judge myself beside the pretty skinny girls that I will be living with. This is sad. I never used to be like this. I was always the first person to want to go out and have fun and dress up and now I am this cowering person who wears fat jeans and a black t shirt everyday. This is not acceptable. The people that know me best know me as a fun, out going, talkative person and that is not who I am anymore, and I miss the old Lauren!!! I will bring her back, new and improved.

I will leave you all with a picture of how I look taken a couple weeks ago and am hoping to start doing progress pictures, they are so motivating when I see them on other peoples blogs. So this was taken at my grandparents birthday and this is definitely the biggest I have ever been. I miss my old face, my old body and my old spunk!!

Since today is the first day of the new plan here is my starting weight and some other measurements and I will update them every Thursday.
Starting weight: 193
Shirt size: extra large
Pant size: 16

I am the one with the white sweater!

My Rock Bottom?

Well I am not sure where to start and I apologize in advance if this seems like a big jumbled mess, because basically I am just writing what is in my head without really caring about how it sounds. SO as you can see from my title, I feel like I have finally hit a rock bottom when it comes to weight loss. Sure I have had AHA moments and moments of clarity about WHY I do certain things, like emotional eating, or eating while bored, or even why I join Weight Watchers (which is usually just so I feel like I am actually doing something about my weight, yet never fully follow the program). So I always have these moments of realizing what I do wrong yet I never hit that rock bottom point where I am like "wow this is depressing, I really need to lose weight". I have days where I think I look fine so I just go on eating bad things or not working out, but today I had my actual rock bottom moment.

K was out all day so I thought hey I will go to the mall and do some shopping for Florida and get some shorts or capris and I desperately need a pair of nice dark jeans because right now I have one "fat" pair that are ugly but I have to wear them everyday because thats all that fits me. So I went to the mall, first store the biggest size did not fit, next store I took about 10 items into the fitting room and a guy put me in a room and was talking to me and such. So I went in and was trying on jeans, the largest size in the store I could not pull up barely past my knees. So the guy asked "do you want another size?" and I had to shout "no thanks the biggest size in the store does not fit" UGH. I left the mall empty handed.

As I was walking out of the mall I just thought THIS IS IT. THIS IS MY ROCK BOTTOM. I got to the point where I am too big for the clothes in all the stores I used to shop in and even some other ones that I have tried. All these store stop at size 14 or 16 and I no longer can wear any of them. I felt ostracized, embarrassed, ashamed and guilty and just wanted to cry. I see women who are bigger than me who look beautiful and have clothes that look great on them, where do they shop? Because I have not been able to dress this body successfully. Sometimes I wonder if maybe these women are just bigger women and have been all their lives. Everyone is born with a certain body type and frame. I am originally tall and very lanky and skinny, always have been. So underneath I have these small bones and skinny frame but with a lot of fat placed in certain places, it makes for a very difficult task of finding clothes. I know I am not meant to look like this. This weekend I went home for a big family party and the pictures upset me, and my cousin who is 12 fit into my old prom dress, which I wore at 19 years old. So when I was 19, I was the same size as a 12 year old. This was depressing that only 6 years ago I was that skinny. I mean do not get me wrong I do not want to go back to my very skinny days where I looked like I did not eat (which I did by the way) but I would love to be a size 10, something that I can find at stores and fit into.

This is turning into me rambling, but I am just so done with being overweight. I really am. I know people say "tomorrow is a new day" but honestly if its not, then I will live for years and years like this. It will never change, and I will only get bigger and more depressed over it. I do not want to go to school like this, with zero self confidence. I do not want to go and feel like I am the biggest one on my residence floor or not having clothes to go out in and have fun. I wear crappy jeans and a black t shirt every day because thats all I have that fits and that I am comfortable in.

I have had moments where I thought "I do not want to be like this anymore" but today I had a "I CANNOT BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE"
I just cannot, it is not doing anything but harm to my health, my self esteem, my confidence and my happiness.

UGH

Well I am mad at myself. I am back up to the weight I started at, 193.
I hope that this feeling of utter shame and guilt really helps me to get on this shit for real.
Sorry for the sullen post, but I am just feeling so bad about it. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just do it?

The Scale is Not Moving...in the right direction

Hello all,
I hope some of you are still following and reading my blog, again I apologize for being such a bad blogger and follower. But I am determined to keep up with the blog. I am getting discouraged. I have been trying weight watchers, trying working out 4 times a week, trying not eating as much, trying pretty much everything I can think of and the scale just does not move. So then after a few weeks of trying these things I think well obviously nothing is going to work so then I just revert back to eating horribly and not working out. Because the weeks that I work out and eat great I do not lose and the weeks that I eat bad and do not work out I stay the same, so sometimes I wonder what is the point then? If anyone has any words of advice I will gladly take them. UGH

On the Harry Potter front, I was a full blown addict. I read all 7 books in the matter of a couple months. I just finished book 7 (the last one) this afternoon, it was both sad and happy in the end. I really loved these books and wish I could just start reading them again. Hopefully in a couple of years I will have forgotten everything and can read them again, but I doubt it because I have such a good memory. But I hope when I am a teacher that I will have a Harry Potter unit and read the books with my class and test them on it and such!

Sorry not much to post today, just kind of feeling down about myself AGAIN. UGH. I hope everyone out there is having a great week.

I Have Been A BAD BLOGGER And FOLLOWER!! P.S I Am Not Dead

Well friends, I do not even know where to start!!
I have been a very bad blogger and follower! I am very sorry to all my blog friends that I have been so neglectful and the thing is, I do not even have a good reason (other than full Harry Potter addiction) so I apologize if this blog is incredibly long and crazy all over the place!

Well where shall I begin? There was an earthquake here today!!! And you know what? I did not even feel it. I was in my weight watchers meeting and did not feel a thing yet when I got home everyones Facebook names were about the earthquake and it was all over the news. It was a 5.5 earthquake. K says it woke him up and that the bed was shaking and that the TV was moving and the cats tails were huge and they were freaking out. Isn't that crazy? I did not even feel it!!

Speaking of weight watchers, well...I have not been doing too great. I did not go last week to my meeting so I made sure to go this week even though I was feeling discouraged and beating myself up about eating poorly this past week. But I went anyways and I lost .4 not bad, but I want more! So I intend to track everything this week and my goal is a 1.4 pound loss at my next meeting on Wednesday the 30th! I am just mad at myself because I have been going for 8 weeks and only lost like 3.6 pounds. I want a 5 pound loss sticker darn it, and next week I will get it! I VOW TO IT! SO enough beating myself up about weight loss, I am tracking this week and sticking to program and I WILL get that sticker :) I joined Spark People which I am loving, it is a great way to track your calories and get good ideas so I am enjoying it. My goal I have set on it is to be 162 by Christmas Day which is 1 pound a week from now until then which I thought is realistic. My goal weight is 150-155 but I chose Christmas for my first goal because it will be the first time seeing my family and friends in 4 months since I will be far away at school so I want to look awesome and have them be proud of me! I am really nervous however about losing weight while at school, since that is where I gained it all to begin with HELP!

Speaking of school, there have been a couple of developments. I got into residence (yay) so I am excited about this but nervous. In first year I shared with 4 other girls and we had 2 bathrooms and a kitchen so it was fine, but now I am sharing bathrooms and a kitchen with a whole floor of people, I have never lived in a conventional residence before so I am nervous about this. I am also nervous about K and I living 4 hours apart. We have lived together since about a month into our relationship (crazy eh?) and have been apart for a total of about 10 days our whole relationship so I am really nervous and scared that we might not stay together, that would make me so so sad so I hope it does not happen. Never done the long distance thing before. In other school news we had to pick our schedules and I am scared school looks hard and I have been gone for over a year so I hope I do fine and I am also nervous about teaching, AHHH I AM JUST NERVOUS TO GO PERIOD! I have never been more than 2 hours away from my family and friends and K. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Ok enough yelling about school. One more thing about school...I still do not know what the heck is going on with my loan. I mean I am pretty sure I will get it but I got this letter saying I could not get it for a year and all this CRAP. So I called the office and apparently I got a warning because when I went back for my second degree I got a loan but I decided not to continue with school, however I paid back the entire loan right away. But anyways I hope I get it or else I cannot go to school which would NOT be good. So keep your fingers crossed for me and my loan!

So I am in full Harry Potter obsession mode!!!!!!!! (If you have not read the books and are in the middle of them do not read on as I am saying things about people who die) I am on the 6th book and have about 200 pages left! I was soooooooooooooo sad in the 5th book when Sirius died OMG I was not happy at all he was my favourite. I am sure other people die (DON'T TELL ME) but Sirius made me sad. I want Ron and Hermione to date they clearly love each other, and Harry loves Ginny aww so cute. All I have been doing is reading non stop it is an addiction. I want to know what happens yet I do not know what I will do when the books are done and there aren't anymore to read! I think I might cry! I cannot wait to go to the Harry Potter park in Disney WOOT.

In other news I have started working at another grocery store. It is a lot smaller and the people are nicer. I still do NOT want to work in the grocery bizz anymore but whatever it is for 8 weeks, I can do it. I feel bad only working there for 8 weeks but you gotta do what you gotta do to pay the rent right?

Well this post is getting LONG, I am sure there are things I have not discussed but I promise I will not wait another month to post! Hope you guys are still out there!!

PS DOES ANYONE WATCH THE REAL HOUSEWIVES??
DANIELLE ON NEW JERSEY IS CRAAAAAAAAAAAZY AND LIVES IN HER OWN WORLD
KELLY FROM NEW YORK DRIVES ME CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY
AND JILL FROM NEW YORK IS SO HIGH SCHOOL HOW OLD IS SHE?
I LOVE BETHENNEY
HA HA OK THAT IS ALL

Blog award!

I almost forgot that Stefi over at http://stefis-wl-journey.blogspot.com gave me the Oh My Blog award (thanks girl)! So here are the rules of this award:
1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award ever!
2. Choose one of the following options of accepting the Oh My Blog! award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog where you’re basically talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, make up, etc) and post it.
3. Pass the award onto at least three, but preferably more, awesome bloggers and let them know.

So number 1 I am super excited about this award, I am glad that people actually like reading what I write, it makes me happy!! :)

And since I do not drink (not in the last year anyways), nor know how to make a vlog I shall share one of my embarrassing moments with you all, and I have many! This has to do with sex so if you want to stop reading here feel free but it is pretty funny/gross/embarrassing! And K already knows about it so I am free to write it since it is not about him. So I had been dating a guy for about 6 months and we tried sleeping together a few times (lets just say he had a few mechanical issues that were not working) anyways, we finally got to it, and I could feel liquid like dripping all over me, I was thinking ok I guess he just is really sweating it is hot in here. WELL...I went into the bathroom after and had blood all over me!!!!! He had a nosebleed and apparently did not notice. I think this may have been more embarrassing for him but come on, I walked out of his bedroom covered in blood and his roommate was in the living room watching TV. lol. awesome.

My 3 people I nominate this award to are:
Allison over at lovingmycomplicatedlife.blogspot.com/
Whitney over at http://www.slimmingdownforthegown.com
and
Kimmi over at http://fitfatandback.blogspot.com/

enjoy!!

Getting Real, More Harry and My Best Girls

Hello all,
It has been awhile and yes I have been avoiding, you know me! When I feel like I am not doing that well I hide but I am here to be accountable. I accomplished my goal of working out 4 times this past week, a record for me people I am shocked I did this. However, my eating was not good. I am talking candy, doritos, fritos, ruffles chips and pizza hut. Yes NOT GOOD. I think the boredom and loneliness here has got the better of me, I still do not know one person in this city and I spend most nights alone as K works nights. So I am just looking forward to going to school just to meet some people and then move back home to be closer to friends and family. But I need to learn not to eat my feelings, as my friend Sandra said to me tonight "feeling are not meant to be eaten, I don't think they would taste very good" ha ha she is right, well they do taste good but only momentarily. Today I woke up and did not want to go to my weight watchers meeting as I knew it would be a gain. All that hard work at the gym for nothing. So I skipped my meeting. But as the day went on I thought I cannot just run away from the scale, so I went to the afternoon meeting instead and I lost .2 which is virtually nothing. I just feel like such a failure. I have gone for 6 weeks and only lost 4 pounds, when most people have lost 15 or so in that time. It is because of my eating. So this weeks goal : gym 4 times, track everything and count my points, no chips and no pizza. So lets hope I do it. I want a better loss. I was not getting real with myself and sitting in my ww meeting tonight I knew I was not giving it my all. Well I am going to, I vow to it.

Still loving Harry Potter, I am 100 pages into the 5th book. I have never read a series before and man is it addicting. LOVE IT. I hate Snape, Voldemort, the Malfoys and Percy Weasley and I LOVE Sirius, Ron, Hermione and Hagrid!!!! Such a good story, cannot wait to read more, but will be sad when I am done reading them :(

Not much else to report. I am so lonely here ugh. I miss my best girl friends. I know most people have a group of friends but mine are all spread out. All in different places and all met in different places, some high school, some work, some university so they know of each other but are not friends with each other. Ugh I miss them all soooo much. Two of them are in a different province so I never ever see them but talk to them all the time online, but it is not enough. I want them to move back. I miss the times we used to spend together. And the others live back in my hometown so I am looking forward to being with them more once I move home. This move was a bad experience but it taught me a lot, like who are the most important to me and also that home is where the heart is, and this is not home.

I want to end this post with some pics of me and my 4 best girl friends, I love them and miss them!!


This is Crista, my best friend all through university. We were roomies from day 1 in residence until our last year. I have had sooo many laughs with her and great times and I miss her a lot. She always puts me in my place and tells me like it is and I need that in my life. LOVE HER!




This is Adrienne, we have been friends since we were 3. We were best friends all through middle school and high school. We have had our differences but we are still very close and are always there for each other. We had soo many sleep overs and talks and boy troubles and just everything you can think of, we have dealt with it!! Love her and miss her too!



>
These are 2 of my great friends Meghan and Sandra. Meghan and I were born on the same day in the same hospital and that is where our moms met, so we have been friends since day 1. But the girl in the middle is like my sister from another mother lol. We talk every single day for hours at a time LOVE HER! Def wouldn't have got through many things in life without her.>
This is Alison, we have been friends for about 5 years, love her. We have struggled through boys, university, and just life together. Pop and chip parties forever. This is us New Years right before it turned 2009, a fun night!



PS Is it wrong to admit that I like the Justin Bieber song "Baby"? OK don't answer that lol

PPS CANT FORGET MY BESTIE FOR LIFE

70 Followers, Biggest Loser and Harry Potter

Hello all
I know my title is a bit jumbled but hey these are the things I want to talk about along with a few other things so why not just throw it all in there!? I hope everyone is having a good week so far, mine has not been too bad I weighed in at Weight Watchers on Tuesday morning and was down .8 which I was happy about but I am ready for bigger numbers and I know I can get them. I have been going for a month and have only lost 3.8 so I want to rev up the weight loss. This week I want a 2 pound loss, I know this is a lot to ask for but I think I can do it. If I lose anything at all I will be out of the 190s yay, my at home scale says I have been out of the 190s for a couple weeks but at WW I am fully clothed so I weigh more so I am excited to be fully clothed and in the 180s woot.

This week i challenged myself to go to the gym 4 times in one week so between Tuesday the 25th and Tuesday the 1st of June (JUNE can you believe it??). So I am proud to say I have gone once so far and am going today with K so that will make 2, so who knows people I may even go FIVE times instead of four. That would be awesome. I really believe I can lose weight and go to the gym consistently which I never have before. I was having a hard time going to the gym here in this city because it was right downtown and soooo busy, and I am sure there are a couple of you who know what I mean by being scared or intimidated to go to such a busy gym. So there is another branch of the Y in the city but in a more rural area so I thought why not try it? I will never go back to the downtown one. I was 1 of about 5 people in the whole place. I am sure it is not always that dead but if I keep going during the day I bet it will be. YAY. I felt so comfortable there and was not scared or intimidated and all the machines I wanted were available and I even had my own lane at the pool so I did not have to worry about being in the same lane as a really fast swimmer. So I think I will continue to go to this gym and maybe even get the gym fever lol, here's hoping.

I cannot believe I have 70 followers!! I was so excited when I saw this I could not believe it, so just a shout out to my followers, you guys are awesome and I really appreciate everything you guys have said and all the advice and motivation you have given me!! SO THANKS :)

So onto the Biggest Loser finale, wow every finale just seems to get better I mean how do these people do it? They look fabulous. Melissa of the red team looked awesome and I was so scared she was going to win the 100 000 thank goodness she didn't. When she said "it is not about the money for us" I shouted YOU LIAR at the TV lol that is probably the only reason she did so well. She even pissed me off when she was on the scale. UGH to her. UGH. Anyways I was really happy with the final 3, I am not a Koli fan he just seemed to care too much about winning and did not seem happy at all the whole night. They all looked really great and I am happy for all of them. Ashley and Michael looked AMAZING! I am so happy for both of them and the thing I liked is that a lot of times the finalists just look too ripped and they look a little unnatural (Helen) and a lot of them gain some weight back so I thought Ashley and Michael just looked really healthy and great. Daris looked good too but I was kind of disappointed a bit by something with his story. He had never had a girlfriend or never been kissed before and now all of a sudden that he is skinny he has a girlfriend. That just saddens me, I mean I am sure that a lot of it is because now he has confidence and such but I am sure that he got rejected a lot purely due to the fact that he was overweight and now that he is not he has a girlfriend. I don't know that kind of hurt me a bit makes me sad for people who have great personalities and are great people but get overlooked. In the end I was happy for Michael and hope that him and Ashley get married ha ha wouldn't they make a great couple?

Onto student loans, I found out that my old university had dropped the ball and not documented that I had re-payed an overpayment back in 2009, so I made some calls and got that taken care of so now the OSAP website says "application being processed and OSAP is contacting outside parties to make sure everything on your application is valid check back in 2 or 3 days" lets all pray that it works out so I can go to school.

OK so now onto my addiction, HARRY POTTER!!!!!!! I tried for years to avoid reading these books, I just did not think I would be into them. My mom bought me the first one years and years ago when it came out, I read about 10 pages and decided I wasn't into it. Then I started a new venture trying to read the 100 best books of all time and on there of course were the 7 Potter books. So I thought fine I will get them over with. I started the first one about 2 months ago and have been hooked every since. They are just soooooooooooooo good! I just started the 4th one a couple days ago and just want to know everything NOW! I cannot wait to go to Disney this summer and see the Harry Potter park in Universal Studios YAY. So do any of my blog followers read Harry Potter? What was your favourite book out of the 7? Who are your favourite characters? BUT DO NOT GIVE ANYTHING AWAY I AM ONLY ON THE BEGINNING OF BOOK 4 SO NO SPOILERS PLEASE!!

Have a good Thursday all!

ABCs of me, and some money stress!

The ABC's of Lauren
I saw this on a blog awhile ago and though it was a cute way to get to know some fellow bloggers. So if you want to copy and paste it with your own answers go for it:)

A) Are you a PC or a Mac? PC although I would like a MAC someday when I am not so poor, but I enjoy my pink laptop.

B) Best show currently on TV: LOVE 24 but it just ended tonight :( So I will go with Biggest Loser, love that show even though it makes me cry every time.

C) Chore you dislike: I hate cleaning the cat litter, thank goodness K does it every day what a good boy! I also hate vacuuming!! Good thing I do the things K does not like and he does the things I do not like.

D) Dogs or Cats? Well I have 2 cats, Frank and Estelle (named after Frank and Estelle Costanza from Seinfeld), but I am hoping to add a dog (George) to the mix, gotta complete the family!

E) Essential "Start the day" items: Hmm, I am not a coffee drinker so I will say either some peanut butter toast or Nesquick with skim milk MMM

F) Favorite Color: for clothes, black for accessories pink (I have a pink cell, ipod, camera and laptop!)

G) Gold or Silver: Silver

H) Height: 5'8

I) Instrument you play: Played clarinet and trumpet for many years

J) Job: 11 years in the grocery store cashier business lol, but going to teachers college in September to change that.

K) Kids? none yet, but I want one, if we had the money we would for sure

L) Living where? Ontario Canada

M) Mom's name: Susette, many people spell it with a Z and she gets mad lol

N) Nickname: Bogie to my whole family, BHBBB to my sister ( you do not want to know what it stands for) L-DUB to friends

O) Overnight hospital stay: stung by a bee and did not know I am deathly allergic, in the hospital for a week!

P: Pet Peeve: Gum chewing with mouth open, people not holding doors

Q) Quote from a movie: "I am a God"
"And now, you are a coat rack" - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"Are you crying? Are you crying? Roger Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pink shit, and thats when my parents drove all the way from Michigan to see me play the game and did I cry? NO, NO and you want to know why? Because there is no crying in baseball!! No crying in baseball" - A League of their own

"Baseball is hard, if it wasn't hard everyone would do it, it's the hard that makes it great" - A League of their own (FAVE movie of all time)

R) Righty or Lefty? righty

S) Siblings: older sister we were mortal enemies growing up but now we are BFFS

T) TV shows you watch: biggest loser, anything reality, 24, bulging brides, the hills, survivor (ok so these are all reality shows, you get the point)

U) Underwear: oh definitely just started not wearing them to bed lol too much information? my mom was so mad when she found out I wore them to bed I had to promise I wouldn't anymore haha

V) Veggies you like: green beans, corn, green peppers, broccoli, cucumbers, potatoes

W) Ways you flirt: haha I do not flirt with anyone

X) Expiration Dates - do you keep or toss? hmm depends what it is, if it still looks and tastes ok I will keep it for a couple days past the date

Y)Yummy foods you make: home made pasta sauce, meatloaf, cajun chicken, home made chicken fingers

Z) Zoo animal you like: I HATE ZOOS!!! they are mean! in my opinion

Well wasn't that fun? Now you all know a little bit more about me, nothing substantial though ha well maybe I will write some deep post about me someday but for now that will do!

So what is new with me? Well not too much. I did not eat well this week at all, stress seems to be such a bad trigger for me. As you all know I applied for teachers college and got in, which was probably the most exciting thing ever as it is so hard to get in here. So I applied for a student loan (it is called OSAP) here. It gave me my estimate which was perfect and I thought all was well. So then a couple days later I went online to see my status and saw this "You are currently restricted from getting OSAP, call the office to see what you can do about this"........this is when I had a complete panic or anxiety or stress or some sort of attack. If I do not get OSAP, I do not go to school bottom line. School is going to cost about 14000 and I only have about 6000 so no that is not going to get me there. I do not know why I would be restricted, there was a list of reasons and I do not feel like I fit any of them. I have no defaulted on my previous loans or anything so I am really hoping it is just that I was supposed to call them to tell them I am returning to school after being off for a year. Ofcourse this happens on a Friday night so I could not call right away and have to wait until Tuesday because it is a holiday here! UGH, so first thing in the morning I will call. I am so scared because if they tell me I truly cannot get it, I cannot go to school. I do not know what I will do then. I would have a complete breakdown! I WANT to teach, it is what I have wanted to do since I was a kid. I hope it all works out.

ANYWAYS other than that, nothing much new here. Seems to be one crap thing after the other this year, ever since K and I moved to this new city things have not gone well, but I am looking forward to going to school (hopefully) and then moving back to my hometown, I think it is where I belong. So it is just a bad period I guess! I have planned out everything I am going to eat this week which I have never done, so we will see if it works out, I stuck to todays so 1 down and 6 to go! I need to get more creative with my cooking and realize that just because K is not home does not mean I cannot make a nice dinner. I also plan on going to the gym 4 times this week, this is huge people. I have not gone well since ... I do not know I think maybe 2009? I usually do at home workouts but I want to go to the gym so 4 times will be huge, lets see if I can do it! I plan to do 30 mins cardio (15 treadmill, 15 elliptical) and then 30 mins in the pool! So I will keep you all updated if I actually pull this off, this would be the first time in my whole life to go 4 times in one week so it may not sound like much to you guys but it is huge to me! Tomorrow I weigh in at WW I am not expecting a loss. But next week, oh there will be one!!

Happy Tuesday tomorrow all and make sure to watch the Biggest Loser finale!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling Inadequate and needing gym help

Hello all
I know it has been about a week since I have posted, I think I have been avoiding it. I still read everyone else's blogs and they are so good and so motivational and give good tips and have great ideas. I just feel like I am not even close to these people like I am not organized in my weight loss journey I do not think I could plan meals or exercise, I am too hard on myself I think, and do not really know why people would want to read my blog!! But I am going to keep going with it and I hope the people who do read it actually like it!

For my birthday I went to my hometown and went for thai with K and my 2 former university roomates and their boyfriends and a lady that I used to work with. It was a small dinner but very nice and tasty ofcourse. On my actual birthday I had lunch with my oldest friend (we have been friends since we were 3) we do not see each other much but when we do it is just like old times. So that was very nice and then my mom made a nice big Italian dinner (mmm) it was so good. I did really well with my eating over my birthday weekend however I did eat 3 pieces of pizza bread at dinner, I am telling you this stuff is AMAZING and I only eat it about once every 2 years so I had 3 pieces and it was delish. I got some very thoughtful presents as well. My mom is so happy that I am into cross stitching now as my sister is not very crafty and my mom lives for crafts. She gave me a lot of supplies that I needed and also a cross stitch that she made a long time ago with a cork board attached for little notes and such and she wrote a messege on the back about how happy she was to have another stitcher in the family, so that meant a lot to me. My mom also gave me a ring that my dad had given her over 25 years ago so that was very nice. I also got a pink i pod so I made sure I put my music on it so that I can have a good work out mix...

Bringing me to work outs, seriously I have no worked out in forever. I do not know why, I just cannot get the motivation to go to the gym, but I NEED TO. Any words of advice about the gym would be greatly appreciated. The thing is I just do not know what to do when I am there. My goals are to lose weight in my tummy and thighs. So I guess I should be doing cardio? But how much? What machines are best? Any work out classes recommended? Swimming? I am trying to work up the courage and motivation to go to the gym but I want to know what to do once I get there. So thanks in advance for any help! My eating has been just ok. I am still stuck at 189 and I know why. I need to eat more fruit and veggies but I have been doing better than I used to but I can definitely improve. Another thing I need help with is I am alone for dinner almost every night, as K works 4-12 or 7pm-3am so I am always alone for dinner, and I just cannot get the motivation to cook for 1 or always feel like I make too much. Anyone else out there have a spouse who works shift work and has to eat alone?

Biggest Loser this week was good, I am loving the final 4. I really hope Daris gets put through to the finals. I like Koli but I think he will gain all his weight back it does not seem like he is learning life lessons but just wanting to win and will have a hard time dealing with real life when he gets home. I could really relate to Daris eating at night and he felt so bad, I think we can all see a bit of us in him so I hope he makes it through, and I LOVE Michael and Ashley so I will be happy with whoever wins this year! Who are y'alls faves? Yes I am not from the south (I am a good ole Canadian) but I love the saying "y'all" just makes me happy and I do not know why!!

I think that is all for me today, just trying to make myself go for it you know? I know what is holding me back... ME! I want to just push myself out of the way and go for it but there is a voice in my head that says I can never be like those people on Biggest Loser or I can never be like the bloggers I read everyday who are succeeding. Such an evil voice...

PS My weight watchers loss this week was 1.6 not bad, but could do better!

25th Birthday and Friday Fives

Hello all
Well I think I am out of the 190s for good, I hope so anyways. The past couple days I have been 189 and today I was 187.8 so that is pretty exciting, and I hope to stay out forever now!! I am sure when I weigh in at Weight Watchers I will be more because I am always more fully dressed when I weigh in there but I do feel a little bit lighter. 7 pounds does not sound like much but I can feel it a little bit.

Nothing much new with me really. I still HATE my job, but whatever I have 78 days left until I am done there and then I get to go to Disney and then move to school. I hope I get into residence for school or else I will have some last minute scrambling to do to find housing so I will find out in June if I got residence. Keep your fingers crossed.

I got my hair done yesterday and I am not a fan. I am always blonde but at Christmas I went brown so I was ready to be blonde again but it did not turn out as light as I wanted. It is brown with blonde streaks and I just do not like the streaky look, I wanted more of a lighter all over look. SO I will let it grow out for a month or so and then go home to my usual hair dresser and get it done the way I want. She also cut it weird, I hate going to new people and I will not go to her again. I just want nice long hair and she just cut it really boxy or something, I do not know I just do not like it.

Tonight is my birthday dinner. K and I are going to my hometown and having dinner at a thai restaurant. There will be about 15 people all together at dinner tonight so I think it will be fun. I usually go out to a bar for my birthday but I do not drink anymore and haven't in about a year so just dinner is good for me! Then tomorrow is my 25th birthday. I cannot believe I will be 25, I mean ofcourse it is not old but this birthday is definitely hitting me a bit. I just thought I would be in a completely different position in life at 25 but oh well. Maybe next year!!

So the Friday Fives over at http://mcclintockb.blogspot.com/ is your favourite photos. Now I do not have any old photos on my computer so I will be putting my favourite ones that I have on my computer, and maybe one day I will scan some older ones on and post about them! So here they are! There are more than 5 so forgive me lol



Love my cats, I found them snuggling like this in my closet!




We took so many silly photos in Mexico and I love this one, K looks scared of me lol





Good ole Mexico beach picture



LOVE



Me and one of my best friends being silly in Vancouver



First year university, love it and loved my roomates they became some of my best friends.



My 2 first year roomies and I we had lots of great times and are still great friends



My kitty Frank and Neko the husky, soooo cute.




I love this picture, Frank and his flower toy haha I think this is hilarious.



My very first cross stitch, so proud of this!

The 190s Are a Curse

K I was at 187.8 then this morning 191? WHAT? I have not even eaten anything bad. UGGH am I destined to be in the 190s FOREVER?
off to the job I go (UGH)

Dear Scale: Are you a DIRTY LIAR?

Hey peeps
So I still hate hate hate my job. So annoying, I have never ever hated something so much like I stand there and just want to cry. I smile at people and try and talk to them and they just walk on by, no smile back, no hello back NOTHING. I just stand there and watch co workers talk and laugh with each other and it sucks. I mean I am there for 2 and a half months should I care? Probably not I probably should not care at all, but for some reason I do. I think it is because I come from a store where everyone was very welcoming and nice and we all were friends and it was nice. This place is just so cold. I mean do I look for a job for 2 and a half months? Or do I just stick out the next 84 days (YES I COUNTED THEM). I know it is not a lot yet it sounds like an eternity. I just hate being miserable all day until I go to work and then miserable at work, ugh. I try and make the best of it but I just cannot. Can I make it 84 days????????

As for weight loss, I think my scale is a big lying jerk, but it is brand spankin new. It said last night that I weighed 188.8 (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?) I did not believe it even though the scale is not even 1 day old, how can this be? Is the cold turkey really working??? AHHH I do not know. So this morning it said 187.8, I cannot believe this. WOOT. I mean the 180s? That means since Monday I have lost 4 pounds I still somehow do not believe it. But I guess just cutting out everything bad really helped. Somehow I still do not believe it and I will step on the scale and it will say 193, because I have been in that rut for so long, I have not seen 188 since I was 23 probably and I am almost 25. AHH this is awesome, but I am skeptical is it really true??

Ugh I am off to work for a long day of hating life... :(

Good day all and happy mothers day tomorrow to all moms, wish I could see my mom!

NASHVILLE NEEDS HELP

Hey guys
I do not live in Nashville, not even close but you know what? They have suffered horrible floods and NEED HELP. This has not been nearly as publicized as it needs to be and I am shocked at the lack of news coverage, so I beg you if you live near there do what you can to help. Or even just post on your blog the crisis that is going on there so that maybe someone might see it and help them out. If I lived closer or even had the money to fly there I would be there in a heartbeat but I cannot so I ask those of you who can to help them out! A fellow blogger is from there and has posted about the crisis, here is her link check it out!
http://mcclintockb.blogspot.com/

here is a video to show what exactly is happening there!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFjaQoOdJvI

Need a New Scale, Officially

Good day all,

It has been awhile since I have blogged. I had to finish the cross stitch for K's mom which I gave her last night for her birthday. It took me 6 months and I worked so hard on it and it turned out great seeing as though it was only my second one ever. Her reaction was not quite what I expected but I am sure she liked it, I hope she did anyways!! So we went for dinner at a pub so clearly nothing healthy on the menu so I got one piece of fish and about 10 french fries, the portions were so skimpy but I was glad about it too because then I did not eat more!

I also went home to my home town for 3 days and it was great. I miss it sooo much there. It took me moving hours away to a big city to realize how much I miss it there and want to live there more than anything. Only 4 more months here, and then 8 months at school and then I plan to move back to my home town or at least the surrounding area. I just miss being there in the small town and having everyone know each other and being close to my family and such so I had a mini break down while I was there. Just sad and missing it there a lot, and I just hate my job here and ugh I do not know swimming in debt and just breaking down about all of the above. But anyways, I guess I will be back there in exactly 1 year, hope it goes fast. I just hope to have a great experience while at school, it is weird going back to living in residence and being a student I mean I have not lived in residence or started a new school since 2004 so this will be interesting. Just hope I do not miss my family and K too much as I will ONLY be home at Christmas and that is it :(

In relation to my weight loss I need a new scale. I decided to go cold turkey on chips and candy and such bad things because I know if I have them in my house I will not eat them in moderation so I decided cold turkey for now would be the best idea. On Monday before my weight watchers meeting I weighed myself and it said that I had gained 3 pounds since my last weigh in, I was so upset I did not want to weigh in, I was going to skip my meeting but I sucked it up and went. They told me I was 193 therefore I LOST .8 I mean it is not a huge loss but I will take it considering I thought I gained 3 pounds and I know what I can improve on for this week. So when I was at home I weighed myself and was 190.8 (awesome) then today my scale has given me about 10 different weights, I am going on my way home from work tonight to Wal Mart to buy a new one, I cannot handle this one anymore it discourages me too much by lying to me and I hate not knowing where I stand! So a new one it is!

So did I tell you guys how much I HATE MY JOB?? ugh, I do not even know where to start seriously, it is horrible. I have always worked at grocery stores this is my 11th year doing it, so first of all I am just ready to not be doing it anymore. But I really really hate this one, it is insanely busy. I mean I am used to working in a busy place but this is ridiculous I mean 10 people in my line at all times. And they make us bag the groceries and put them in their cart and basically do everything (for minimum wage) ofcourse. I am sweating my ass off at work which is gross and great treated HORRIBLY by the customers and also co workers. No one talks to each other I am used to talking to my customers and knowing them and now no one talks to me it is horrible. I hate being treated like crap for minimum wage, UGGGGH. I just hate it. I am debating applying to one of the other grocery stores here which is a lot easier and people talk to each other. I mean even the woman who trained me told me it is the "coldest" store she has ever been at and I am not down with that. I just do not know what to do, do I stick it out for 3 months? Or do I apply to the other store. Ugh I hate being miserable and hating having to go there all the time. What do you think I should do?

PS Biggest Loser makeover week, LOVE IT!

Question for anyone doing Weight Watchers

Hello all
I have a question for anyone who does weight watchers. I am going to start my weigh ins on Tuesdays instead of Saturdays because of my work schedule. So this Tuesday I will be home visiting my parents, and was wondering can I go to a meeting there? Or do I have to go to the exact place I signed up at? It is in a different city but same province.
Thanks!

Friday Fives: Favourite Movies

Well it is Friday Fives over at http://mcclintockb.blogspot.com/ (I do not know how to add a link so that you can click on it and go to her blog, can anyone help me how to do this?), ANYWAYS I could list about 100 of my favourite movies but I chose to stick to 5 or else this will be the longest post ever. So here they are, 5 out of many of my fave flicks along with a fave quote from each.



Sex and the City, what more can I say? LOVE IT! Cannot wait for the second one in May!!
"Charlotte Poughkeepsied in her pants" definitely the funniest scene in the movie!



The Sweetest Thing, my roomates and I watched this movie probably every day for a year while we lived in residence, soooo funny, I think I will watch it tonight actually.
"Let me put it to you this way. I had Lamb Curry last night and I'm shitting out a Buick!" HAHAHA



JAWS! I love scary movies and this is one of the original classics, LOVE IT!
"Smile you son of a bitch!" BEST line of the movie!



The Shawshank Redemption. I could watch this movie over and over, and still cry at the end. If you have not seen this movie, you MUST watch it. Every time I watch it I learn something and notice something new.
"There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit." This quote gives me goosebumps every time I hear it. PS I LOVE BROOKES AND CRY EVERY TIME. Brookes was here, so was Red.



Sister Act, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie just a feel good movie!
"Bless us, oh Lord, for these Thy gifts which we are about to recieve. And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of no food, I will fear no hunger. We want you to give us this day, our daily bread. And to the republic for which it stands, and by the power invested in me, I pronounce us ready to eat. Amen."

I could go on with so many more, but I will leave it at 5!
Have a good Friday and weekend!

Picked Myself Off the Floor

Hey blog friends
Just first of all wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my rock bottom post, it really really meant a lot to me and helped more than you all know! So THANK YOU!!! I have been doing a lot better since then. The night after that happened K was working again at night so of course I wanted some sort of bad take out so instead I actually got dressed got in my car and went to the grocery store and bought some chicken breast white meat and ate that and felt much better about it. It was cheaper and better for me. I have been eating well throughout the day too taking lots of snacks to work so that I do not come home and pig out on bad food.

K and I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought lots of good stuff, I threw in one small bag of watermelon candies and thats it, so I think I will be doing better. I am really trying hard and know that I can go harder and I will. I am just kind of taking it easy after the other night as I kind of had an emotional breakdown and still feel a little fragile from it. But I will come out of it and next week I will go even harder and add some workouts into my good eating. I weigh in at Weight Watchers tomorrow and an hoping for a loss. Even one pound will make me happy!

I started my new job and have one more day of training tomorrow from 12-4 then I start working for real. I have done this for 11 years now so I am confident at the job but since I am starting at a different store then I have to train and start at the bottom of course. But I am there for 3 and a half months so I do not really care that much.

Anyways not much to report here just wanted to say thanks for the support and I will post my weigh in results tomorrow.

P.S Biggest Loser this week = me bawling my eyes out

Rock Bottom

Just a warning, this post will be jumbled, negative and descriptive of things you may not want to know about. If you want to read a cheery blog I am sorry but it will not be mine :( Not this time anyways. I normally hide and do not post when I am feeling this bad and some fellow bloggers encouraged me to write when I am feeling such as I am now so I am taking this advice.

I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. I DO NOT HATE WHO I AM INSIDE BUT I HATE WHAT I AM DOING TO MYSELF, I HATE WHAT I AM PUTTING IN MY BODY, I HATE THE MIND GAMES I PLAY WITH MYSELF ON A DAILY BASIS.

I join weight watchers I buy good food, I make sure I have all the tools available to lose weight and you know what? I do nothing about it. I was going to completely avoid telling what I had for dinner and I planned on hiding it from K (so much shame involved) but I know he reads this blog and now he knows, but you know what I joined WW on saturday and here I am on Monday eating a whole small pizza and garlic bread. My body rebelled ( I will not go into detail on that one) but literally 5 minutes after I was finished I was in the bathroom... not good. I actually sat there in the bathroom and out loud said "what the f**k are you doing to yourself Lauren?", I think I have hit rock bottom. I have never felt such shame towards myself. It is so ridiculous because I am always saying that I have all the tools to lose weight yet I do not do anything about it and that I know what I need to do but I do not do it but you know what? The truth is, I do not know what I need to do because I have never done it. I have to try something new, something completely out of my comfort zone and something I just do not know what to do to be successful because I never give myself a chance to. Fear of trying new things has pushed me down so much in the past and it is doing it again. It is controlling me.

The "Guilty" Game

I got this game over at losing-on-purpose.blogspot.com and it looked like a fun post for today since I wrote a lot yesterday. I am still battling with cravings. It is so much worse when K is working 4-12 because I am alone for dinner and just want bad things for dinner. I need to change this. Anyways here are the answers, message me if you need further details lol.

The rules of the game:
RULE 1- You can only say Guilty or Innocent.
RULE 2- You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!
RULE 3- Copy and paste this into your notes, delete my answers, type in your answers and tag to your friends to answer this.

The Questions:

1. Asked someone to marry you? INNOCENT
2. Ever kissed someone of the same sex? INNOCENT
3. Danced on a table in a bar? GUILTY
4. Ever told a lie? GUILTY
5. Had feelings for someone whose feelings you can’t have back? GUILTY
6. Kissed a picture? INNOCENT
7. Slept in until 5 PM? GUILTY
8. Fallen asleep at work/school? GUILTY
9. Held a snake? INNOCENT
10. Been suspended from school? INNOCENT
11. Worked at a fast food restaurant? INNOCENT
12. Stolen from a store? INNOCENT
13. Been fired from a job? INNOCENT
14. Done something you regret? GUILTY
15. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? GUILTY
16. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? GUILTY
17. Kissed in the rain? GUILTY
18. Sat on a roof top? GUILTY
19. Kissed someone you shouldn't? GUILTY
20. Sang in the shower? GUILTY
21. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? INNOCENT
22. Shaved your head? GUILTY
23. Had a boxing membership? INNOCENT
24. Made a boyfriend/Girlfriend cry? GUILTY
25. Been in a band? GUILTY
26. Shot a gun? INNOCENT
27. Donated Blood? INNOCENT
28. Eaten alligator meat? GUILTY
29. Eaten cheesecake? INNOCENT
30. Still love someone you shouldn’t? INNOCENT
31. Have/had a tattoo? GUILTY
32. Liked someone, but will never tell who? INNOCENT
33. Been too honest? GUILTY
34. Ruined a surprise? GUILTY
35. Ate in a restaurant and got so bloated that you couldn’t walk afterward? GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY
36. Erased someone in your friends list? GUILTY
37. Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)? GUILTY
38. Joined a pageant? INNOCENT
39. Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who really meant what they said? GUILTY
40. Had communication with your ex? GUILTY
41.Got totally drunk on the night before exam? GUILTY
42. Got so angry that you cried? GUILTY

Crazy Head Games, Thinking in the FAT State of Mind

Well hello all
Hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was alright, I got to go to my hometown and visit my family which was nice and had a good dinner out with my parents so I was happy about that. I also have not posted since Biggest Loser and it was a tear jerker, I love O Neal and Sunshine! And does anyone watch Survivor?? SUCH a good episode last week, I love Parvati I do not care how many people hate her but she is awesome and extremely smart!

Yesterday I ran a ton of errands and spent a little bit of money. My credit line is for school however there were some things I wanted and needed and have been putting off buying them. I feel so guilty when I buy things for myself and use my credit line so I never do. But these were things that will help along my weight loss journey so I am trying to not feel bad about this but I am having a hard time with it. This is what I did yesterday and bought. I went to Weight Watchers and signed up for 3 months, I feel I need the meetings and was happy I went, and the leader seems great. So I went there and spent money on that and then bought some weight watchers smoothies and snacks as well. I then went to No Frills and bought some yogurt, bananas and strawberries and then went and bought some new running shoes. The shoes I have hurt me the last time I walked and I knew that if I did not buy new ones I would not continue to work out. You will also notice that my weight now says 193.8 this is because when I weigh in at weight watchers I am fully clothed so I am just going to go by that weight. I do not think i will be 184 by my birthday so I am going to make my new goal OUT of the 190s by my 25th birthday.

So I bought Nike Max Fierce shoes, they are super nice and I love them but ofcourse they cost money too!! I wanted the Reebok Easy Tone but apparently they are strictly for walking but I would love to get a pair for work so that my feet do not kill when I get home (I stand all day). Does anyone have these shoes?? Do you like them??

I then bought the Slim in 6 workout system so I hope that works for me!! Does anyone out there who is trying to lose weight take supplements? I do not really want to other than maybe a multi vitamin but I was wondering if anyone takes them and which kind they take? I then went and bought 2 new cross stitch kits. I am finishing up one for K's mom and its taken me forever so I am looking forward to finishing it and starting a new one. The next one will be for my sister as a housewarming gift and then I bought one to make for me because I make them and give them away and this time I want one for me since I put so much work into them! I will post a picture of it when it is done!! So that is what I spent money on and as much as I am trying not to feel guilty I DO!!

So here is where the crazy head games come in. I sign up for weight watchers, I buy healthy food, I have the resources to work out... but I DON'T! I let food control me! I secretly eat, when I know my boyfriend is working afternoons I wake up thinking, "what can I eat while he is gone?" is this not horrible? I know I am not the only one who does this. It is because there is so much guilt and shame that goes along with it that I want to do it alone and dispose of the evidence so no one else knows. Why do I let food control my thoughts? I do not know. I do not know why I have not decided that I AM WORTH IT, I am worth not eating badly and being lazy but I do not feel worth it yet. I do not know how to make food and these thoughts stop controlling me. But I am trying. And also does anyone else do this? If I am eating well throughout the day and then I eat one bad thing, like today I ate a chocolate bar and then when I was thinking about making a healthy dinner I thought "I already ruined the day by eating that chocolate, so why bother making a healthy dinner" such crazy head games I play with myself. I guess I am stuck thinking in the FAT state of mind.
SIGH

Weigh in #1

Hello friends
Well as I have told you I recently started doing Weight Watchers at home but just on my own no meetings or weekly weigh ins but I have been using a spreadsheet to figure out points and such and have been keeping in contact with a fellow blogger as we try and lose weight. Today was my first official weigh in and here are the results:

Starting weight on Friday April 16: 194
Todays weight Friday April 23: 191.2
Difference: -2.8

I am pretty happy about this! I can taste the 180s, I was there before but I let life get in the way and I did not deal with my problems in a healthy way and just ate them away. I lost the weight this week by eating all my 26 points but with all healthy foods and having 3 servings of dairy, 8 of water and 6 of fruits/veggies everyday. I did not eat any of my activity points or my extra 35 for the week. But I vow to next week be in the 180's and never look back! Two things I plan on doing to enhance my weight loss are buy the Slim in 6 weight loss program and also sign up for weight watchers as in going to the meetings and maybe look into buying some new running shoes. I have wanted to do all 3 of these for awhile but I did not want to use my credit line to buy them. But I am starting to feel like they are all very good reasons to spend money. What do you guys think? I am still working hard to be 184 by May 15th which is my 25th birthday. This birthday is kind of hitting me hard, did anyone else find that 25 was a hard one?? If not what birthday was the hardest for you and why??

Day 1 of Getting my ASS (BIG ASS) in Gear

Hello all
Well today I have been eating really well and I went for my first walk/jog. I was very out of breath as I know I am out of shape but I still went so I was proud of myself for that. I did not love the experience as it was hard and I am out of shape however I will continue because I know it will only get better!! Thanks to everyone who gave me some tips on running and walking, I went to Wal-Mart and bought a pedometer (a breast cancer pedometer) and I was going to buy running pants but I think what I will do is when I lose my first ten pounds I will buy myself some new pants:)
So here are my stats for the day off my new pink snazzy pedometer
Steps: 1900
Distance: 1.5 km
Calories: 107

So not bad but not amazing, but I am still proud of myself!! It will only get better from here I am sure. Tomorrow I am going to do a wii workout, as I am going to do the run/walk 3 times a week and a wii workout 2 times a week. Here is what I have eaten so far, I am doing Weigh Watchers so I will include points values too! My starting points for the day is 26,

bagel 5
peanut butter 2
apple juice 2

slim fast 5

yogurt 2
dried fruit bar 2

I got 2 points given to me for exercising so I have 10 left for the day! I will be eating fish for dinner mm, which is only 5 points and a few french fries for 3 points all made here at home so I know what is in them!

I hope to see a loss on the scale this week and I promise to blog when I am feeling down because that will probably stop me from buying many large bags of Doritos and eating them in minutes!

Meet The Enemy

This my friends, is the enemy. I have been feeling so bad about myself lately that I have just been stuffing my face with Doritos and laying around. Isn't it silly that we get into these cycles that we feel bad about ourselves for being overweight so we eat more and just gain more weight? Something is twisted about that, and I need to find a way to change this. I want to start running but I never have. I am in such bad shape that I feel like I would run for 5 seconds and be out of breath. Does anyone have any running tips for me? I am a total newbie and I have no clue what to do. I just always feel like I cannot do something, I have had this mentality for so long with everything I do. I am surprised I am actually going to teachers college part of me thinks I will not be good at it, I just quit things or do not start them because I feel like I will fail. Ugh I do not know, but I want to try this time! I want to face my fear of failure. So tomorrow I run (well probably walk), but any running advice or tips would be great! Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Yes, I Have Been Hiding

Hello friends,
No I am not dead, but I have been hiding from the world and from all my bloggie buddies. Why? Because I have been doing horribly in my weight loss journey. I feel ashamed and crappy about myself UGH. However I am doing something about it. My friend Allison over at lovingmycomplicatedlife.blogspot.com/ has really been a great help to me and is really encouraging me to get back on track. I have set a new goal of losing 10 pounds by my 25th birthday which is on May 15th. So I am hoping for 184 by then. I have been doing so poorly lately, too many life things getting in the way. K got his eye surgery and so I have been looking after him being what he calls "the drop nazi" because he needs about 50 drops a day and I put them in for him. So I really have not been concentrating on working out or eating well. But I WILL accomplish my goal, I WILL! But it is very exciting that now K can see, although he is walking around inside in the dark with his sunglasses on, I think he might be milking it for all it is worth, but is that not what men do?

I also somehow got a bladder infection (sorry for the TMI) but you girls know what I mean, these are horribly uncomfortable and it is hard to try exercising and such when you feel like you have to pee every 5 seconds even though you do not UGH, hate them.

I do not really have much to say even though I have been away for awhile just because I really have not been doing anything. I really do want to be 184 by my birthday and I will, thanks everyone for encouraging me and feel free to send any advice or encouragement my way :)

Decision Time, In Pictures!

I have made my decision, I am officially going to Queens University in the fall. Here are some beautiful pictures of where I will be living (just the campus) it is so gorgeous there! In one picture you will see a jail, it is the Kingston Prison for Women which I can throw a rock at from where I will be living, creepy...and the mens prison the Kingston Penitentiary where the worst criminals in Canada live can also be seen from my future window! I hope none of them escape!










This is the residence I will hopefully be living in.



Prison for Women! At first I thought it was the mens prison and I saw no wall or anything and I was like "HELL NO AM I LIVING HERE! THEY COULD LOOK RIGHT AT ME OUT THEIR WINDOW!" But then I found out the mens one was down the street and it looked like Shawshank, no one is getting out of there lol.